Angry.

[SMC_1987]

Today I am not having a good day mood wise. I feel so FRUSTRATED and IRRITATED for no apparent reason. I didn't sleep well at all, I don't remember having any notable dreams but I have issues staying asleep. I was very tired at work today.

Starting off on a bad foot and stepping on to the other. I get home from duty...12 hour shift, very long day; I am tired, hungry, and mentally exhausted. My spouse starts bombarding me with information that I can hardly process because my brain feels so...busy. I tried to communicate this to him, that I haven't had a chance to "decompress" and relax yet. I ask him if we can talk about it later, calmly, despite the anger and frustration I feel that makes me want to erupt into a screaming match just to get the anger out. He responds with a loud "huff" and "you've been here for an hour" in a tone that insinuates that the hour I've had that consisted of me taking off my uniform, tidying away my gear, etc. should be enough time. This only serves to make me more angry. I swear there are times when I could just scream at him to leave and never come back at the peak of my worst moments. I know I push him, he's been pushing back lately. I feel like he resents me sometimes, and there are times when I wish he would just leave me so I didn't have to feel this crappy about dragging someone else through this.

So tired of being angry all the time. So tired.

 

[Spiderallis]

Not getting enough rest certainly can have that effect. You handled things very well with your spouse. With all the stress of your day and the exhaustion, you remained calm and dealt with things in a healthy way. Have you spoken to anyone about your sleep problems? I know for me the rest got easier to work on once I dealt with the sleep issues.

 

[SMC_1987]

Have you spoken to anyone about your sleep problems?

No, I haven't really spoken to anyone about anything until I joined this forum. I flirt with the idea of therapy, I'm trying to warm up to it because I know how much it could help me. I'm not even fully certain why I procrastinate on that matter, I'm afraid for some silly reason.

I used to suffer from some pretty bad insomnia about 4-5 years ago, I could go for days without sleeping until my body would crash from exhaustion. Now, I can easily fall asleep but have trouble staying asleep, which is certainly a huge improvement but I still wake up very tired. I would say on average I wake up at least 3-6 times a night, which could vary from every hour to every few hours, its not always the same. I also used to have some pretty horrific nightmares and had severe issues with sleepwalking; I choked my spouse in his sleep once, he's much stronger than me so it wasn't really an issue and he sort of jokes about it now but its something that frightened me. I also have put my uniform on several times in my sleep as if getting ready for work, none of these things I can recall. Thankfully, I haven't experienced the night terrors or sleep walking in about 4 months now which gives me a little hope. I still talk a ton in my sleep, but I always did that even as a child so I'm not sure thats affiliated with the PTSD or not.

 

[Marf]

I do the similar sleepwalking things and always have also. I suggest therapy, and would venture to guess you have many legit reasons for that fear. Plus, medications may help with the sleep issues.

 

[SMC_1987]

I'm very resistive to the idea of medication, I would rather try therapy first or find other ways to cope with it.

 

[arfie]

Fighting with the love of my life is a kajillion bazillion times more appealing to me than facing the emotional landfill of my PTSD. Well... Those pesky little consequences are not so appealing...

I wanna shift the focus an itsy bit. You felt all that and ?..I am guessing you contained it well enough to post here instead of drawing first blood? Can we congratulate you on managing it with fair grace?

I, too am med resistant, but I definitely don't try to do it alone. PTSD is not a safe neighborhood for solo travel.

 

[SMC_1987]

Well, at least I know I'm not the only one who instigates the occasional fight for no good reason. The last 6 months have been pretty rocky for us, to the point where we had to have one of those "we need to talk" dinners at a nice restaurant, that I'm certain made our waiter feel awkward lol.

I'm trying my best to find other outlets to vent my anger, I know what I do isn't right. I find it odd that I'm mostly angry instead of sad; in fact it's pretty much the only emotion I have left that I'm capable of actually expressing in its entirety. With a side of some pretty intense feelings of guilt now and then, too.

Yes, I did come here to write about it. Instead of buzzing around the house aggravated and feeling bad yet again for blowing up over something stupid, I typed it out (angry typing can be satisfying lol).

He's such a good man, I don't want to hurt him. I know I'll never find another like him. At the same time I often think how much better off, happier, he could be with someone who isn't scarred like this. *sigh*

 

[arfie]

Can we think of posting here as an effective improvement over projecting the confusion at a good man? I would sure like to think so. Why my man is still loving me after 34 years of this is the great mystery of my life.

I also have more rage than depression in my PTSD reactions. Daddy was a bi-sexual pedophile. My raging righteousness even has lots of cultural crusaders throwing gas on the fire... Learning to avoid sloganistic crusaders is one of my latest therapy efforts. Please stop throwing gas on my fire before it consumes what is left of my being. When I am raging, I have the intelligence and objectivity of two rutting bulls. Mindless Hurtus maximus coming at you! Logical functions not accessible.

Trying to change this has proven as simple as trying to talk a hydrogen bomb into imitating a water balloon. It is what it is, whether I approve or not. Even pink ribbons and bows have proven powerless. Progress over perfection. I have given my loved ones defenses against it. When I am hurting or confusing them, they tell me, "How 'bout them Cowboys?" long story on how we came to agree on that cue, but it works for us under any circumstance, public or private. It tells me to back off and go work my program.