Sufferer Angry

[Suzanne23]

Hello, I'm Suzanne. I have PTSD from many different people and many different incidents. Truthfully I've had it most of my life. My parents, cousin, grandparents and countless men caused me great pain. I've tried to the medications and they're poison. That shit gave me strong suicidal thoughts. I tried therapy and the therapist tried to rip me off, had to report her for fraud. I don't trust anyone and I'm always angry. I have two toddlers and I don't know how to be close to them. I think I love them but I question it and question if I should even be around them or anyone. I'm married somehow, don't know why my husband loves me but he does. I've never been shown real love before him and it's so unfair that my kids will be affected because I'm infected with all of these darks thoughts and feelings. The best part is I still talk to many of my abusers and even see them. I have a hard time making the right decisions since I was never properly taught what's right and what's wrong. My whole life is miserable and I really hate myself. I can't stop being angry either.

 

[EveHarrington]

Welcome to the forum. :hug:

 

[Suzanne23]

Thank you

 

[aut555]

@Suzanne23
I have a lot of anger. I am good at keeping it inside because people don't like that about us. The people that should have stuck up for me didn't, like my soon to be ex, my mom, my brother, my daughter. I have more love from animals then l do people. So there is anger. The only thing l can say is don't raise two dysfunctional kids because of your anger, because you are continuing this pattern of abuse. So to step outside of yourself is extremely tough. But you need to say l will not continue the pattern of abuse. I am angry that my ex abused me, l am angry l coudn't save my daughter, she ended up on antidepressant. I am angry that l married such a covert aggressive narcissistic bipolar man. I tried to be open minded, he was a different background, mixed nationality, it was horrible. We are totally different people. Anger is my middle name. Now l want to be by myself, and l get angry with men who think l want to relive abuse. Nope. Ok, do you wish to tell me what you are angry about specifically? It helps to unload, l am happy to listen. Sending compassion, and thanking you for talking about anger. Nobody talks about it here.

 

[Suzanne23]

I'm angry that my family acts like they own me. My parents always called me stupid when I was growing up and my mom would tell me I was getting fat and she was always obsessed with weight and looks. My dad is totally whipped by her. She probably has borderline personality disorder. My dad has physically and verbally abused my mother and brother in front of me. My brother is now a heroin addict who treats me like total shit. My grandmother is a total bitch who caused my mom to be abusive. She's horribly abusive to me and my mom. I now feel compassion for my mom even though she's horrible to me too. I keep trying to break away from them but they always guilt me into coming back around. That's only half of it. I was in a lethal abusive relationship that almost ended in a murder-suicide. He died but I don't feel any better about it. He actually reminds me a lot of my family in ways. Oh, he was a veteran and I'm a veteran too. The way I got out was horrible. I could go on and on!

 

[Richie]

maybe if you could go on and on then you should go on and on. I may be new here but I cant imagine anyone on this forum is going to judge you so go ahead and release that pent up tension

 

[Suzanne23]

I'll start at the beginning...my uncle died a few years before I was born. He killed himself. This greatly affected me because I saw what his death did to my mother and grandmother. They used to scream and cry and act crazy at times. I was a toddler and would run and hide, thought my life was in danger. Well my mom and dad started fighting a lot around the same time and they got physical and verbal a lot. My dad would often storm out of the house and leave me with my mom who has borderline personality disorder and PTSD. She was very neglectful, unstable and very selfish. She would comment on my looks or weight negatively and taught me how to be bulemic at a very young age. Fortunately for me it didn't work out, I couldn't make myself throw up. My dad has been physically and verbally abusive to me and my brother as well. I got molested as a child by the neighbor across the street who was much older than me and who was also special needs. I finally told my parents when I was 17 and they said it was my fault. I was premiscuous as a teenager because I just wanted to feel loved and wanted but I went about it in the wrong way. It only caused me more pain. I have a cousin who did some incest shit to me and who also had her guy friends hook up with me mostly when I was drunk out of my mind. I was 16,17 and they were all four years older than me or more. One was 10 years older. My aunt committed suicide when I was 16 or 17 and my friend and boyfriend committed suicide when I was in my early 20s. I joined the Army Reserves when I was 17. This is only half of the shit.