Annoyed With Myself, I Want To Be Able To Trust People

[verasdfghjkl]

I am so so mad at myself for having all these complications of the disorder and not being able to fight them, not allowing to trust somebody I know or people in general and just be happy. I'm just mad that I can't fight the emotions of not trusting people and being scared of them, and just push through, just be brave and take a freakin chance already. Let me explain myself.

I'm 22 years old, a college music student in my 3rd year and graduating next year. I was diagnosed with PTSD in September 2013 officially. I got the EMDR-therapy (also since September), I find this a difficult method to put up with every Friday of my week but have faith that it will get better someday. However, right now I'm in a bad place. Still having nightmares, panic attacks, flashbacks, feeling uncomfortable and scared in public (especially when people look at me) et cetera. Today I had two issues, which are linked to each other of course:

1. So today, I woke up from a cruel nightmare, but decided I wanted to go to another city by train, to get out of mine. When I stepped into the train and sat down, I immediately felt attacked by somebody else on the train, a woman who just kept staring the whole way through. I felt unsafe, felt the adrenaline, almost got a panic attack right there.

2. On my train back home, there was this guy who was quite flirtatious. I didn't reject him in my head, but the same symptoms I had with the woman earlier came back. So these emotions won again from logical thinking (which is: like it, then respond. Don't run away scared - AGAIN) A few weeks ago this happened when a nice girl flirted, a few weeks before that it happened with yet another guy. I'm sick and tired of this. I'm so angry with myself for not being able to respond to it, for running away every single time. The only time I do answer to someone's flirting is when I'm drunk and I want to get lucky - and when I 'want to get lucky', I mean never see this person after ever again.

I think I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life. Just for being disturbed. I'm so annoyed. Please, is there someone here who recognizes these struggles and found a way out of them?

 

[verasdfghjkl]

Oh for the record: I have NEVER been able to let someone in that way. Never had a relationship because of this. Always push them away even before it begins.

 

[Deleted member 19804]

I know how you feel, especially the self-blaming and the anger and frustration. It's completely unfair that we can't just respond like a "normal" human being. I too get seriously terrified when a stranger flirts with me, especially if they don't stop after I've politely tried to reject them. I get all wound up in my head and I can't figure out what to do, because if I stay the person might continue, but if I run away they might come after me.. I've had that experience a few times and that is not pleasant.

I have found, and this is going to sound very lame (sorry), that accepting the way I feel takes away a huge part of the load on my shoulders. Getting annoyed and angry with myself only wastes my time and energy, as I cannot change the way I feel. I can't just stop being afraid of people. I can beat myself up for it over and over and over again (and believe me, I have), but it really doesn't take away the fear I feel in those moments. If anything, it makes the fear worse.

So I gave up that tactic and now I'm trying to get more "in touch" with my feelings. It's really hard for me, as I've been repressing negative emotions since early puberty, but I know it's the right thing to do. So when a guy is flirting with me too intensely, I try to keep a rational and open mind and I try to get out of the situation as soon as I can. When I'm in a safe place I sometimes talk to someone I trust. Then I put on some music that soothes me and/or watch a few episodes of my favourite sitcoms.

As for the learning how to trust people, that's going to be a long process. Yes, that sucks, but if you can find a little more acceptance in yourself, it's a whole lot easier to deal with.

Hope this is helpful to you.

 

[Changing4Best]

I understand that you are looking for answers and I don't blame you for that. Once you get through with the worst of your EMDR, you may be able to get somewhere with relationships, but right now you are in a rather vulnerable spot in your life, a time when working on your condition is far more important than starting a very iffy relationship or one night stand especially. Give yourself time, be patient and loving of yourself. Be angry at the situation if you need to be angry, but not at yourself for something which is way out of your control.

In time, things will get better, that is why you are going through the EMDR, that is why you are working through this, so things will eventually look up. It will get better, just keep working at it!

 

[verasdfghjkl]

Thank you Snow White, for your answer. For about two months I was accepting my feelings and the PTSD because - I kept telling myself - it's not my fault. But the reason I'm getting frustrated now, is that every time a new opportunity comes to me, I get confronted with it. And I kind of let a lot of great opportunities just go away that way. Also, I'm starting to crave someone closer to me than just a good friend. I'm 22 now... I'm starting to feel like I need someone like that. And this is when the PTSD really pisses me off. I want good things, but I can't because my instinct, or something like that, won't let me. My rational and logic thinking are so far off from my built in instinct that is PTSD, that it's just simply annoying to think something as simple as 'Let's go to the left', and then going right, when the last thing I wanted was going right. But I'm going to take this to my therapist tomorrow, as this thought and in particular these situations with possibly interesting people getting rejected because of the PTSD have bothered me too long now, and I can't seem to find a solution or accept it... Because I want someone in my life. I don't want to reject these people, but I do every time.

Also thanks to you, Sheila Kathy. I really wonder when the worst of the EMDR will be over. I just want to live... And now that I know what I have and what I and my therapist have to do about it, I can't wait for me to get better. But of course I also get the fact that I have probably had it my whole life and the reason it started in the first place was because of my childhood, so it might just be a long way before I can fully enjoy and live my life. I find it hard to be loving of myself when I don't have a reason to do so: don't we all love the people who rise above and stand strong? I've been hearing this for the past three years and I know that the majority of people in society don't know what they're talking about when they say things like that but right now this just bothers me too much, because I want something and the PTSD is standing in the way. So there are like to different kind of parties within myself, fighting a battle. And PTSD is winning. Tomorrow will be an interesting session with my therapist :)

 

[WillyKat]

As I read your post, I felt like I was reading a journal entry of mine from when I was about your age. So I want to respond to you as a much older person, who wishes I could address myself at 22.

Feeling scared when people look at you is perfectly normal. I don't know your story but I know mine. My abuser rode the school bus with me for three years (I was six and he was about 14). I have blocked a lot of the memories but I do remember him once staring back at me, threatening, keeping me silent and terrified. I get edgy and often angry when people watch me. Trigger. It's been said that people that fear speaking in public are perfectly normal. In the natural world, animals or people staring at you usually mean you harm. So fearing those that stare is normal.

I too had a lot of trouble with the whole dating thing. I would routinely freeze up whenever a woman flirted, or the one time another older boy (same school) came on to me. This really hurt and still hurts. I missed many opportunities. Yes, those were for sex but sometimes meaningless sex really isn't all that meaningless. It can also be closeness, warmth, companionship even when it only lasts a short time. And who knows, sometimes beautiful relationships start off like that. On this, I'm not exactly sure what's going on, but I think that the whole flirting / coming on thing reminds me of the rodent that abused me. Perhaps he treated me like that. Ironically, if I'm in a men's locker room and another guy looks at me and just smiles, it doesn't bother me. I can just ignore it with no issues. But there's something about the words. Another trigger I'm still working on.

I believe there is a way out. I've posted several times on this forum about this same thing. I probably sound like a broken record. I just want to share what was a huge improvement in things for me: the anger, even rage, and fed-upedness about this makes us look for the mighty blow, the knockout punch, the magic switch that will change things. There isn't one. The more you want one, the more you wish there was one, the longer you stay stuck. You have to think in terms of baby steps, small changes, long, long journey. Open a small valve at the bottom of your PTSD bucket (or cup) and let the anxiety, stress, and anger seep out.

The seep will slowly become a drip. You will want to keep that drip going. Sure it's slow, but it's a lot like an exercise program where you don't see results from one day to the next.

I'd also advise you to research the notion of mindfulness, of getting into the present moment. PTSD makes you view the present moment within the framework of the moment of trauma. That's the key to dealing with it. Your train ride wasn't your trauma, but you understood it all within that framework. No doubt a train ride or walk downtown has real dangers, but you can take steps to protect yourself and begin to see it as just a train ride.

I know this is hard. Believe me I know. That slow approach was and is the hardest part of my journey. But you can do it, and you can find a way to not be lonely.

 

[The Albatross]

I had to ask myself if/whether I was willing to take the time to learn and also what I was willing to risk or endure in my effort to re-establish an ability to trust people.

 

[Meteorology12]

It is quite a challenge to trust people. I can't stand to be hugged, it makes me feel like I am smothered. I have a hard time accepting people flirting with me, thankfully I haven't had it happen too much. It makes me run in the other direction when it does happen. I am like you, am in my early 20's. I have not been in a relationship. I sometimes feel silly that I am not in a relationship yet and my other friends are. It is a struggle because I want to be close to someone yet, I have a fear of closeness. I hope that you find the key to your success and great job on pursuing your education in music!!!! Music is an excellent therapy.

 

[The Albatross]

Agreed Meteorolgy 12 about music being great therapy and also that I have a hard time accepting people flirting with me. I have only recently been able to withstand it without a bout of weight gain as I tended to hide behind some extra pounds.

 

[verasdfghjkl]

@WillyKat (found the reply button... Still getting used to this place :))

you said :'You have to think in terms of baby steps, small changes, long, long journey. Open a small valve at the bottom of your PTSD bucket (or cup) and let the anxiety, stress, and anger seep out. '

But I've been thinking really hard, but how do I open the bucket up and let the anxiety, stress and anger seep out? I find this really difficult, hence my anger towards myself that I just can't rise above what happened and be strong about it (or 'grow stronger from it', as the awful saying goes) and let those feelings go.

Also, I understand the part about the framework, but I think it might be slightly more difficult than that, maybe for me. I'll explain my background a little. My father abused me emotionally and physically (just to be clear; he didn't abuse me sexually - still don't know what the word 'abuse' means sometimes, as I'm not from the States but from The Netherlands.) from ever since I can remember anything until I was 19 or so. I kind of have a lot of frames this way, as there was a lot of trauma. In between those frames/traumas there was also always a lot of tension, anxiety and I had to be really aware in between those moments too. I started talking about what happened to other people and realizing what really had happened when I was 20 - moved away from that city, starting college - and going into 'quick therapy' (as in quick fixes, no EMDR or diagnoses) for five sessions spread over half a year when I was 21, I am now 22 and have had the diagnose and EMDR therapy for 9 months now. So the way I kind of feel it, is that the 'wrong way of viewing the world and everything that happened' is until I was 20, against a small 2 years of trying to fix those wrong thoughts and ways I learned as a child. I hope I kind of explained this in a good way. But I feel like it's going to take a long time to recover from the PTSD/traumas because the traumas went on for such a long time.

I had my session with my therapist yesterday, and we feel like I have also come to a point where I can't control the disease any longer (hence my anger and post here... I was feeling really helpless), having to much anxiety being in public, not being able to sleep, nightmares and biting my cheeks and tongue until it bleeds, panic attacks, flashbacks etc, I am being sent to a psychiatrist for medication because it is totally out of control.

@Meteorology12

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It is a struggle because I want to be close to someone yet, I have a fear of closeness. I

(There is a quote button! This place gets better every minute :) )

I totally understand what you're saying here. It's an awful feeling

 

[Deleted member 12723]

It takes a long time for people to earn my trust. I watch their actions and see if the words match their actions.

It is a long, long journey to healing and recovery. It will probably take me a lifetime to learn from my painful and costly lessons, my mistakes which I need in order to learn.

There is hope if you keep on working on changing yourself into a healthy person. This stuff is not for sissies.

The days pick you and you do not pick the day. I know that sucks.

Every time I had a good day, I would get my hopes up that I could keep the feelings. And then the bad days were very bad.

I started therapy in 1985 and am a lot older than you.

Here is something a friend told me. You are not as bad as you think you are and you are better than you think you are.

Keep at it no matter what you are so worth fighting for. There is hope for you.

I think it is wonderful that you have chosen music. It is so healing. Music meant so much to me since I started therapy. It helped me to express how I was feeling. I listen to all types of music except country. No offense meant to those who like it.

I am wishing you the very best. Just do not give up.

 

[WillyKat]

you said :'You have to think in terms of baby steps, small changes, long, long journey. Open a small valve at the bottom of your PTSD bucket (or cup) and let the anxiety, stress, and anger seep out. '

Well, it isn't easy until you've done it for a while. It's sort of like an exercise program. Before you can build up to using weights and walking ten miles a day, you have to start small.

Do some research on mindfulness and grounding. In a very small nutshell:

• Learn how to begin breathing. Doesn't sound like it would make much difference but try relaxing every muscle you have, then take 10 deep breathes. Then 10 more.
  
• Try focusing on just the present moment, not the future, not the past.
  
• Just as important: let go of any notions that the pain must simply stop; you're going to have to let it erode at it's own pace.