Another Bad Flashback

[LawPhotos]

I just had another really BAD flashback. I am all alone -- just sitting here shaking and scared. I feel like my insides have turned to liquid. I can't stand this. I'm not fully grounded yet and the fear is overwhelming. I am afraid to even breathe. Just a couple of weeks ago I had one of the worst flashbacks ever. It lasted forever. I have the smaller ones a lot but it's these big, bad ones that annihilate me . This one, too, ranks up there in the top 10 for intensity--plus the memory was new (but not repressed) and it was probably the most horrific of them all.

I don't want to go to sleep. I am sure I'll have a nightmare. I was trying so hard to come back from the flashback but I couldn't. Now the subject keeps coming back to my mind and I am worried that I will slip back into it again. I am distracting myself with this to try to keep it at bay. I tried what grounding techniques came to mind but damn it nothing ever seems to help! Then I managed to get to the kitchen for ice which is what my T tells me to do. I stood there shoving my body into the side-by-side freezer (I'm small) holding two ice cubes in my hands until they melted, but I couldn't even feel them. I got a couple more and rubbed them all over my body even my feet. I didn't feel anything and wasn't even cold. I stayed stuffed half into the freezer for a long time. Nothing. I took another ice cube and rubbed it all over my face and put one in my mouth which I promptly gagged on. I could feel the one on my face somewhat and finally got a little grounded. I took the plastic gallon jug of milk from the fridge and put it under my shirt on my stomach. I didn't even wince or get a chill, no goosebumps nothing.

We just did self-soothing on Monday in DBT so I got my kitties and my super soft blanket but that is all I can muster. And now the kitties have left me. Trying so hard to resist the urge to SH just to feel something and ground myself.

 

[intothelight]

(((Lawphotos)))

It is so hard to deal with really bad flashbacks. The sights, sounds, smells, physical sensations, emotions can all feel like being awake in the middle of a nightmare. Be proud of yourself for not self-harming and using other ways to ground.

Talking to your T is a great idea.

Take care.
Debbie

 

[LawPhotos]

(((Lawphotos))) It is so hard to deal with really bad flashbacks. The sights, sounds, smells, physical sensations, emotions can all feel like being awake in the middle of a nightmare. Be proud of yourself for not self-harming and using other ways to ground.
Talking to your T is a great idea.

Thank you ITL, it was an awful one and left me shaken for a long time. I did journal about it a little bit but it became triggering so I stopped. I haven't had a T appointment and won't until Monday--but I did see her in group and I just mentioned it in passing. The others in the group don't have PTSD and I don't want to appear totally insane by talking about things that they know nothing about like flashbacks and dissociation.

I am happy that I didn't give in to the urge to SH.

 

[Srain]

LawPhotos,

It sounds like you did a lot of hard work with trying to get grounded and you did succeed in NOT SH. That you should be extremely proud of yourself for! It's a HUGE step in working towards healing, although you may have felt like it all seemed like you didn't get to where you felt you should have got to, you went to the end result which was taking the best care of yourself you could. Good on you!

((((((((((hugs))))))))))
peace and healing,
Rain

 

[TheLost]

I once went to a hypnotherapist who taught me to imagine all your energy around your head and then to take deep breaths and see the energy all go down and into your solar plexus around your belly button. This has helped me in the little flashbacks and when I feel sort of dizzy and floaty. I know it doesnt help much with the big flashbacks and what your are experiencing now but Im new here and want to help. As soon as I feel as though some horrible memory is comming back I do this and I just repeat to myself I dont have time to remember this just now. I think you have done very well to cope through this though and I understand about the SH. Well done!

 

[ClairBear226]

Law, have you tried the chatroom at all here when you have a bad one? I've done that a few times now. Seems to help sometimes.

I'm with ya - have had the problem a lot lately too. If you're having trouble and see me on here, send me an SOS message - I'll go over to the chat room and meet you if you think it'll help. (((HUGS)))