General Another Glimpse

[Peach]

I try to be understanding with Tater (the name I'll use for my vet from now on) and his inability/reluctance to do chores/enjoyable jobs which I find small and easy...but that's because I don't have to deal with his problems. I know they're big tasks for him. For example, I wish he'd get a dog. Despite the initial and continued maintenance stress, I personally think it would be more beneficial than detrimental. Just my opinion. Or letting his grass get a foot tall before he mows it (we are talking about 20 square feet - flat terrain, if he does front and back). I don't say anything, it's his life and he can live it in which ever way he feels is best for him. Still, I can't help but think about these things.

Reading about the stress cup, and later, the spoons, have helped me to understand the amount of energy even something "small" can take.

Yesterday he said something interesting. We were talking about my vegetable garden. I know he used to grow plants as well, specifically tomatoes, and living in the rainy UK I was saying he should start again cause they would flourish! He said he would like to, but he would feel bad if he started growing something, had a bad week where he neglected them, only to come out finally and see that they're dead or dying....it would make him feel worse.

About the actual tomatoes, I say, do it anyway! Yes, it's sad if they die (damn cabbage worms decimated my cabbage, broccoli, and cauliflower overnight!!!), but it's not the end of the world...I'm not counting on my crops for survival. It's a hobby and there's always next year. And aside from pests (do they even have tomato horn worms or the like in the UK?), those tomatoes would take care of themselves, they would be fine if he didn't visit them for a month!

It's such a conundrum. On one hand, he, by his own admission, wants distractions like gardening, but then he stops himself from even starting in case they fall by the wayside when he is feeling overwhelmed.

Damned if you do and damned if you don't.

Plus, I can't help but think this is exactly why we should be together. Yes, I would add an amount of good and bad stress, but he would also have someone to take some of the responsibility off his plate. He could have his distractions and know that when he's not up to, it will still be taken care of - the dog will be walked, fed, and loved. The plants will be tended. The dishes cleaned, floors vacuumed, dinners cooked. He would have all that extra time to simply take care of himself.

I'm not complaining (seems someone always thinks I'm mad or whining everytime I post something:confused::sorry:), just thinking out loud. I find it interesting when I get a peek inside Tater's thinking process. The picture gets a little clearer each time.

 

[sun seeker]

I find it interesting when I get a peek inside Tater's thinking process.

Maybe try thinking of it not as a thinking process but... what shall I say? A self-protection process? I was reading through your post nodding at certain points because I can see how from the outside, it could look just as you say, while I know what it feels like from the inside. At some point I stopped taking on big projects - and for some of us, some of the time, even a small garden can feel like a big project - because I knew I would not be able to complete them when the bad times hit. It's one of the things that makes life with this condition so complicated. Not just the battle of getting through from day to day, but the battle of not being able to plan ahead because we never know what is around the corner.

In this respect, could it be that Tater is actually learning to take care of himself by not taking on a project that he might not be able to complete? Maybe he knows his energy is limited and is making choices about where to spend it.

Also, PTSD periodically (frequently) makes it feel impossible to make even small decisions, and getting a dog is no small decision. Think of it as a car stalling. Or the keys on a typewriter getting jammed. It may be that he simply cannot make any more decisions at this point, even decisions that in the end would make his life easier. It's not about thinking. It's about not being able to think.

 

[Tinyflame]

Perhaps instead ask him what he feels he'd like to do/ include?

There's lots of reasons stuff could be gong like that for him, ptsd +/ or other conditions, but take his word for it. If it were me, & I looked at a dead plant that summarized (to myself) how useless or incapable I was/felt (yet again) it would really put me in a potential tailspin. Because too loss/ death/ putting 'hope' in something that doesn't go well, well that can all be very hard to manage. And woah- a dog- that's huge (for the dog's sake). I'd die for my dog but I still have to leave a measuring cup on the counter to remember to feed her.

What about something else in the middle? A tomato plant for him in your garden?

Like @sun seeker said above. For him I'd say opt for no grass at all!

I think the worst thing about ptsd other than the negative recall or re-living & thoughts, is the sheer amount of energy it sucks out to do small things, especially if they're opposite to what you'd choose. For example, years go I bought a lot of tomato plants, was really in to it (ended up over-fertilizing & all for not, btw- 100's of green tomatoes, & forget the relish idea lol).. This year my sister bought one (not my idea). Similarly I leave an empty milk jug to remember to water it (at the coffee pot, because that I know I'll go to). I don't want it to die because she loves tomatoes/ it's her idea/ I don't want her to think I didn't care (I do), or I'm lazy (I'm not). I spent all of one day trying to remind myself not to forget to water it when I got home from work. However, you see a tomato plant, I see a mountain. :(

 

[Peach]

It's way past my bedtime, so I'll reply properly tomorrow but I had to say:

I'd say opt for no grass at all

He hates his grass! He has said many times that he wants gravel instead! LOL!

 

[Tinyflame]

Lol . Then go for gravel (or the lowest maintenance alternative possible) :tup: if gravel= peace. :)

You're a dear person @Peach. Just listen to what he says. :tup: :hug:

(And enjoy the tomatoes. :hungry: You can bring him or give him a toasted tomato sandwich instead, maybe? :) :hug: )

 

[Deleted member 27524]

Haha @Peach your posts always make me giggle! You have a delightful personality:)

D has a very specific way he mows his grass. After all he is a landscaper as well. We were discussing one day how difficult he had made things (he said), and he said he would make it up to me. I said "let me cut your grass one time". The man makes pretty stripes in his yard and just so-so. He said "no no you can't cut my grass out of the question jokingly". I told him that yep that's what I wanted was to cut his grass. The next day I sent him a pic of my yard that I'd mowed and my stripes were crooked and I'd left some stray grass strips longer than others and the text said "all for you baby. I'm going to do your yard just as good as I did my own" lol.. He got a big kick out of it. He has OCD as well I'll mention so crooked stripes or an inadequate yard would drive him bonkers so I'd never really do it but we had fun giggling over it. Your post just brought back a happy memory for me and I couldn't help but share.

 

[Peach]

I can see how from the outside, it could look just as you say, while I know what it feels like from the inside.

That's exactly right. I can empathize and sympathize and try to make concessions constantly, but at the end of the day, those of us who don't have PTSD will never fully understand. We just have to do the best we can to put ourselves in our loved one's shoes and make things easier on them.

Maybe he knows his energy is limited and is making choices about where to spend it.

Yes, he's been diagnosed and medicated for about 20 years. I know it was extremely rough in the beginning...and even the middle due to his personal situation adding loads of stress, but he's had a good 5+ years where he's been able to settle a bit. He's divorced, his trouble making son is out of the picture, he has his own home, lives alone, sets his own schedule, and has no one to answer to. So he does know by now that he needs his nap everyday and what he is (or at least what he thinks - because yes, he does get jammed up) capable of doing.

He has made huge strides since I've met him. I am a proud mama bear and so happy for him. He was quite clever in painting a nicer picture for himself (or for me) of his life than it really was. More like what he wished his life looked like. I learned later that he was embarrassed about the state of his home - he had basically turned it into a cave of boxes - physically surrounded himself by all the things that made him feel safe. He loved buying stuff off of EBay (which is actually how we met, I sold him quite a bit of stuff LOL), it somehow fulfilled whatever feelings he had, be them loneliness, boredom, or like someone was sending him a gift. I dunno. Anyway, he told me half truths while we were getting to know each other. For example, the pictures he sent of his home were really of his place, but they were the immaculate pictures the seller had listed years ago, not what he had turned it into. I even asked about specific items in the pics and he acted like it was all accurate. It wasn't until after he said I could come stay with him last March that the truth slowly started coming out.

He kept telling me not to expect much and told me everyday how much work he had done to prepare for my visit. I told him not to worry about me, I was fine, but he was unstoppable and decided he didn't need his cave anymore. He started with the living room and guest room. He has nice things and quality furniture, but it had all been boxed, covered, and/or useless. He did finally let me see pictures of what it had looked like before he cleaned, and let me tell you, it was night and day. He was so proud of himself, as he has every right to be! It looks really great now and he's kept up with that momentum and moved onto organizing the garage, then he'll get back to the kitchen. He even said he had not only stopped buying stuff off the internet a good 9 months ago, but he's thinking about selling a ton of his collectables.

After I got to his place and it was clear things were going well between us and I wasn't appalled by his mess (which was just that, a mess, but not like dirty or gross), he confessed he'd had visions of me walking in, looking around, walking back out and demanding to know where a B&B was. LOL Aww, Tater. :rolleyes: He was a nervous wreck! :x3:

So, maybe after he's satisfied with all that, he'll think about the dog. I know it is a big decision, but there is no doubt in my mind the benefits would outweigh the cost a hundred fold. The man absolutely lives for dogs!

even decisions that in the end would make his life easier. It's not about thinking. It's about not being able to think.

And that, right there, is it in a nutshell. Succinct.:)

 

[Peach]

I looked at a dead plant that summarized (to myself) how useless or incapable I was/felt (yet again)

I do believe this probably applies to him as well. It's not actually about the plant, but his inability to (maybe) keep it alive and seeing it as a physical manifestation of your own perceived uselessness. For the record, @Junebug you are not your plants! Even the most capable of farmers lose crops sometimes, it's just a way of life.:hug: But when it counts, like your dog, you get the job done. Maybe you need to leave the measuring cup out, but your dog is alive and well, and that's all that matters. You ARE doing it. Lift your chin up and be proud of yourself!!!:smug:

I do love the idea of having a tomato plant designated as his and I could send him the veggies. Unfortunately, even if they would survive in the mail, you're not allowed to send perishables. I have managed to sneak some whiskey over to him though. LOL!:D

Aww, @Thunderstorm that makes me feel so great! Thank you!:laugh::hug: I enjoy reading you're stories, too.

Ha! I'm sure that picture made D very twitchy! LOL Good for you! I do love the lines in the grass though. Nothing much better than that. Go watch the Buzzfeed youtube video called 19 Oddly Satisfying Photos You'll Want To Savor. He'll love it. :p

 

[technigirl]

Peach, I just wanted to say you are one awesome person. I hope Tater realizes what he's got!

 

[Sweetpea76]

Damned if you do and damned if you don't.

I'm like you @Peach ... I just did not get it. He would avoid things he felt overwhelmed about but really wanted to do, and then let the fact that he couldn't do them stress him out and make him feel bad. Or what really drove me nuts the most was him cancelling or no-showing something because he was overwhelmed, then making himself sick to death about no-showing or cancelling. The logical side of my brain was just flabbergasted that he was making things so much harder on himself when a little bit of "sucking it up" would make his life so much easier.

It took awhile for it to fully dawn on me that there really wasn't anyway to suck up PTSD. Even if pushing through something would make him feel ten times better or save him a heap of stress, sometimes he just CANNOT push through it.

You know, my Vet hates when I try to be a "fixer"... It's just a habit with me I guess. I have teenage kids, so I'm used to telling people how to do things the right way :whistling:. There are a lot of times he tells me I jump straight into problem solving mode and it makes him feel inadequate. I have had to learn to bite my tongue a lot. Sometimes it is just better to be an ear. It's kinda like when women are trying to vent to men about how much of a bitch their coworker is or something, and the guy starts to tell her how to fix it. That's not what she wants to hear... she just wants somebody to listen to her and agree that her coworker is the bitchiest bitch that ever bitched.

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear @Peach, thank you. I'm sorry I wrote something & it disappeared. :( I didn't know how to respond exactly yesterday, it's hard to explain.

The short version is (for me), it's not about the tomato, or representations. It's more like you want to care about the tomato (& after all 'normal' people do- & you 'do' want to be 'normal' or once remembered when you were), you don't want to hurt anyone's feelings (especially when they are a good person), you don't want to be a downer (you want them to be happy. You want to be happy too).

But, it's more like, think of the worst moments in your life, how you felt, thought etc, how you felt, re-experience it, what you saw, what you thought, smelled, tasted etc. The feelings of fear or hollow, horror, shame, intense sorrow, despair, hopelessness, helplessness shock etc. Now , someone talks tomatoes. But it's running like a tape in the background, not just memories but like 2 parallel realities. When things are severe, it feels surreal. When the ptsd is a little better, it still feels there under the surface. It's never gone too long, though mercifully sometimes there can be reprieves for some unknown reason, distraction that entirely removes it. But it never feels like a happy ending or the past.

Maybe it's a bit like that for him.

:hug:

ETA, perhaps @Sweetpea76 is on to something there, I (personally) would be thrilled if someone knew how to suggest to 'fix' it , but we know (usually, unless say it's a FB- we are not removed from reality in that sense), that it is passed. But we have to live (or it creates a 'reality' where) it 'is' in a manner of speaking currently occurring in our heads & bodies. It's all jumbled up. So validation & understanding of that invisible parallel stuff (though it isn't really occurring then) is very comforting & stress reducing. It's up to us to try to figure out how to work on that.

And really that doesn't even scratch the surface because then you have to add in thoughts, beliefs, conclusions, feelings, shame, guilt, distortions in thinking, questions, coping, re-enacting, reacting, triggers etc.

Blah! :eek: :sorry:
(And to think it all started with a tomato. :rolleyes: :hug:)

 

[Peach]

her coworker is the bitchiest bitch that ever bitched.

Have we worked with the same people??? :roflmao:

This video says it all. LOL I know exactly what you're talking about!:D

When the ptsd is a little better, it still feels there under the surface. It's never gone too long, though mercifully sometimes there can be reprieves for some unknown reason, distraction that entirely removes it. But it never feels like a happy ending or the past. Maybe it's a bit like that for him.

Is suppose it probably is similar for him. Thanks for explaining.:) And sorry to hear your first post disappeared, I hate when that happens!:arghh;