I mean the tendency is to blame the victim.
If you don't have a lot of money or good insurance, it's hard to get talk therapy in the U.S. You get twenty minutes and talk medicine.
I did go through a long period like you described until I was about thirty. I had to learn how to cry again. I was so numb that I could bang into a table with my shin, get a big lump and a bruise, and not feel anything. People would ask, "Didn't that hurt?!" And I'd say, "I guess it must have, that's a pretty big lump." Didn't really feel anything from the neck down---not even hunger. Felt the migraines though.
Sometimes I think I want to be numb again, so I can work all the time. But I really don't. Numbness (or not identifying---we may not be talking about the same thing) does, however, protect us sometimes, until we are ready and have a safe place to identify with the pain. I did have feelings during the flashbacks and night terrors for thirteen years, but I'd often shake them off, forget about them, then get a migraine. I couldn't talk to anyone about it because it was classified, and half that time PTSD wasn't a diagnosis yet. I didn't have insurance, either.
Only a movie set off a series of flashbacks for me that lasted from December of 1990, got worse during Gulf War I, and then finally stopped in the winter of 1991. Haven't had any night terrors or flashbacks since then. Sometimes I'm afraid they'll come back. One movie was a last straw that sent me into such a state that I turned myself into a mental ward. Images and themes in movies can be very powerful. Don't think it's silly to be disturbed by them. Some themes should be avoided completely.
The anger problem does seem to go on, and there is plenty in the world to get angry about. But I have mostly felt grief lately, and "being like a machine out of order". The brain does not always work. It's natural to be frustrated with every-day-things when you're being haunted by ghastly images of exceptional things, and you're angry. I get overwhelmed processing the mail. It's frustrating, yes? It feels silly to be fighting with dishes or the laundry, but it does make sense.
If it's hard on your husband, maybe it's because he knows what you've suffered? And he loves you? Did you read the information on PTSD on this website? There is an excellent explanation of why we get stressed so often by little things. I'm having a hard time explaining that to my boyfriend, because I am so distant and withdrawn right now.
Take care.
The world won't stop so we can pull ourselves together. What an obstacle course.
If you don't have a lot of money or good insurance, it's hard to get talk therapy in the U.S. You get twenty minutes and talk medicine.
I did go through a long period like you described until I was about thirty. I had to learn how to cry again. I was so numb that I could bang into a table with my shin, get a big lump and a bruise, and not feel anything. People would ask, "Didn't that hurt?!" And I'd say, "I guess it must have, that's a pretty big lump." Didn't really feel anything from the neck down---not even hunger. Felt the migraines though.
Sometimes I think I want to be numb again, so I can work all the time. But I really don't. Numbness (or not identifying---we may not be talking about the same thing) does, however, protect us sometimes, until we are ready and have a safe place to identify with the pain. I did have feelings during the flashbacks and night terrors for thirteen years, but I'd often shake them off, forget about them, then get a migraine. I couldn't talk to anyone about it because it was classified, and half that time PTSD wasn't a diagnosis yet. I didn't have insurance, either.
Only a movie set off a series of flashbacks for me that lasted from December of 1990, got worse during Gulf War I, and then finally stopped in the winter of 1991. Haven't had any night terrors or flashbacks since then. Sometimes I'm afraid they'll come back. One movie was a last straw that sent me into such a state that I turned myself into a mental ward. Images and themes in movies can be very powerful. Don't think it's silly to be disturbed by them. Some themes should be avoided completely.
The anger problem does seem to go on, and there is plenty in the world to get angry about. But I have mostly felt grief lately, and "being like a machine out of order". The brain does not always work. It's natural to be frustrated with every-day-things when you're being haunted by ghastly images of exceptional things, and you're angry. I get overwhelmed processing the mail. It's frustrating, yes? It feels silly to be fighting with dishes or the laundry, but it does make sense.
If it's hard on your husband, maybe it's because he knows what you've suffered? And he loves you? Did you read the information on PTSD on this website? There is an excellent explanation of why we get stressed so often by little things. I'm having a hard time explaining that to my boyfriend, because I am so distant and withdrawn right now.
Take care.
The world won't stop so we can pull ourselves together. What an obstacle course.
