General Anthony & Anyone Else... - Viewing PTSD

[superd]

I saw on the other forum in the thread about substance use/abuse/dependancy where you wrote about not being able to explain to others what PTSD is like. Do you think of your PTSD as separate from the event that created it, or are they one and the same?

Just curious...thanks!

 

[lrs]

The time when I was actively taking drugs in addiction was as traumatic as anything else I've ever been through.

 

[Deleted member 93]

Here I am with it and the fun part is it can change, PTSD is not the same daily. People describe it as a roller coaster (closest way to decribe but not intense enough IMO) and that is true with every aspect of it. When I am at a height of painc by having to go some where or see someone or triggered; or insomnia and cannot force thoughts from my head and sometimes when I cannot focus and think stright, it can be all about the event(s) that created it. I was up unti about 5 AM the last 2 nights in a row only to get up at 6:30 with my kids. I was thinking I cannot go on like this. It passes. I feel like I can sleep tonight. I may be able to.

Then some times if it is not any type of flashback, but I am triggered none the less into panic or just feel like I am losing my mind because it feels like my mind can not make rhyme or reason of everyday events in my home around me I am not thinking PTSD, I am thinking I am dying or have lost it for real this time. No this is PTSD thoughts, or events that caused it.

I am not always thinking PTSD, it is all in the moment, I don't even think I could say this is PTSD during panic until it passes; I am just learning to control them telling myself is fear of fear. To even to say PTSD during my moments would involve way to deep of thinking and reasoning for me, which is just simply not possible during episodes. I am just where I see I have it for real, it is real, I am not "crazy", and am having major threapy for it now. I did not accept I had it at first and sometimes I still cannot swallow it.

When I can calm myself or I am having a decent day (they occasionally happen, like today, I only snapped a couple times and able to pull back) I see PTSD as a seperate entity and think about it, study it, I feel like I have thinking to catch up on! I see what the condition does to me and those around me now and years past before proper treatment. I hate that I have so little control over my own mind and reactions. I then get angry at those who made me what I am, I was not born like this, I was made. I get angry about the situations that caused it. I get angry that others can have the same thing happen and be OK, and I am not, that I am somehow inferior because my mind does not work the same way as others all the time and has actually physically now changed, not just my thought process but if it is scanned it would not look like it is supposed to. That other people's actions screwed me up so bad that my mind actually "morphed"! I ponder what it would be like to be able to go out in the street for a walk with no fear. I feel fear for people I see doing things I wish I could do. I am an over protective mom as a result.

It had gotten worse since I quit abusing alcohol. Then they tried to medicate me, it was even worse then, now almost off my meds (still in the tapering off) and in threapy to treat I am even worse than before. The strange thing... Now that I am almost off the drugs docs had me on, since I gave up drinking all together, I may be worse but I actually have a few moments, a day of clarity. I can think. I can do something else. A fog lifts. It is harder on me and those around me right now than before, but there are actually a few good days where before all were bad. Before they were not as bad as now, but I see I have to go through this and see my threapy through to get to the point where one day I will notice I have a lot more good days than the bad. It is a hard fight.

Explained the best I could.

 

[anthony]

PTSD is definately seperate for me from the event, as one event doesn't compose my PTSD, multiple events over multiple locations, spanning years comprise my PTSD. I see PTSD as the result of the traumatic events, not actually intertwined within the event itself.

Its not a matter of coming to terms with the event/s to come to terms with PTSD, because once you have PTSD, PTSD is much more than the original traumas that caused it. Coming to terms with the past is only a part of beating PTSD.

 

[superd]

Veiled and Anthony,

Thanks for your insights...it helps me to understand a little better what my wife is going through.

Veiled, when you said "see my therapy through", does that mean that there are days when you just can't go? Or that you don't want to go? Is there a part of you that wants to go to therapy? My wife has basically three approaches to therapy: 1) She is "sick" and doesn't go; 2) she goes, but she doesn't feel like geting into it; and, 3) she goes, gets into it and is either very happy or very tired afterwards.

Sounds like therapy is really hard on y'all....:frown:

 

[Deleted member 93]

There sure are days I just can't go. And I get off my ass and go anyway, because I can't live like this and the way I did! I have never missed an appointment, you can't. In the beginning of seeing docs I had posted somewhere that there were claws marks on the door way, I really am not overly fond of one of my docs, but I don't see her much. I have gone looking like crap and thinking this guy better be happy I just showered as it took more than I had that day to give to just do that. Not going is not an option. Sometimes you are sick, stress can make you very ill. You go anyway. You have days you don't "get into it" and you need a talented therapist who can pull it out and give you work to do. Once she goes and is into it she is likely to have ups and downs. And don't be shocked by what looks like total breakdowns through it either.

If she is in counseling I can't stress enough to others to go with their spouse to occasional appointments to work on the relationship and keep it strong during this. Every once in a while when things are strained my husband goes too, it helps when doc sheds a little light on how my mind is working and I can't put it in a way for someone else to get. I often wondered if some of the crap we type on here to other sufferers looks like jibberish to normal people! Point is even though we are the ones with PTSD it does not mean you do not suffer too, and a little bit of help goes a long way when everyone is trying to keep it together and it seems like it is falling apart faster than you can put it back together.

Personally I see a guy for CBT once a week, my appointment is always the same day, same time, set in stone as like that I can't forget and I feel obligated to go. He also is the one who will give us counsel, he and I go into details, when my husband is there we do not, he helps my husband and I understand where the other is coming from and it helps as my doc already knows all the details. I also see a shrink. Used to also be weekly but now it is every month - 2 months.

Therapy is not easy, this site is not easy, having PTSD is not easy, healing is not easy, living with us certainly is not easy, but anything worth a damn never is now is it? I hope she joins us soon, it helps when we poke at each other to get help we need. I wish y'all well.

 

[Jaynea]

What if?

What if your spouses dr's wont talk to you. My husband has a wonderful DO that diagnosed him and really managed to help him But when Mike really lost it and I called for help he said he couldn't talk to me because of confidentiality....I was frantic last weekend for some help he wasn't sleeping and roaming around doing this eerie humming and looking "weird". It passed but my therapist retired and I haven't replaced her yet...Instead I found this.
Back to the point "What if the doctors wont talk to you?"

 

[Deleted member 93]

If my husband called my doc he would likely get no where also. Only reason he sits in sometimes is to address our issues as a couple resulting from PTSD symptoms. I choose too allow my husband in and when he is in things my doctor is privy to is not discussed but he encourages me to talk to my husband about some of it on my own, whether I do is something else. To get advice to help with ya'll your husband would have to be willing to let you come in and let doc know ya'll need help as a couple dealing with PTSD, but not so many visits that it interfers with trauma therapy. We only go in together occasionally, like a tune up.

What you describe your husband doing doc probably would not give you much advice except explain to you, as you can find here, it is stemming from PTSD and its ups and downs. That it happens and can be common. You cannot fix it and do not try. It will have to play out and when he is ready he can come to you about it. My doc simply explains to my husband how my mind perceives things and how it works so to say. He explains it in a way my husband gets and tells him to don't try to fix it it, guys like to "fix stuff" and he just cannot. During an episode, my doc would tell him to back off and let it ride out. If there was some way to wave a wand or a few magic words to turn that off we would all be in line for it. All doc is going to do is help you understand that and that when an out burst happens it is not excusable behavior but expected none the less. It is not personal even though you sure as hell seems like it to ya'll. How could it not?

But no, you are not going to be able to just call up doc and expect them to do something, they can't. Not only due to confidentiality, but they just cannot during it... Just make sure you mention to your husband to mention it to his doc so it can be discussed. I would also ask your husband to talk to his doctor about helping ya'll a little with the relationship, ie what would be the best response for you to have during that and to calm your fears.

I carry a lot of guilt having it and having so much emphasis put on me and this crap. I feel greedy, like I am getting more than my fair share. My doc works on that as spouses can feel that way too about their partener. My doc compares it to cancer. It is real, it is debilitating, it is an illness like any other that can ruin you, and it is not selfish to try and get the proper treatment to get as well as you can.