Anxiety And A Funeral - Do I Go?

[p-no]

I can not imagine anyone teling you after that you were crazy for trying. It's your decision and it's a tough one. I have been in your shoes, and there is no right or wrong, just a "what you are going to do" and later-on a "how you are going to cope with it".

I truly believe that if you crash, there will be people here to help you through it.

Thinking of you.

 

[Shellbell]

I agree with prime-no, no-one will tell you it was crazy to try. I won't.

I admire your strength and I really hope it does go okay and you have a peace about it. And if you do crash, then you will have support.

Thinking of you too.

 

[NarcSis]

Hugs. "You is kind, you is smart and you is important" (The Help)

A mantra to help you get through it. :)

We're here for you.

 

[Srain]

I'm so very sorry for your loss, Nimkekaa.

((((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))))

Sending peaceful and healing thoughts,
Rain

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Good for you. Hugs and prayers if you will accept them. Big hugs.

 

[nimkekaa]

Thanks for everyone's support. I am so greatful for all the support I recieve on this forum. I never would have dreamed I would gain so much strenght from an online forum. I think joining this forum is one of the best things I have ever done for myself.

 

[nimkekaa]

I was plesently suprised when I went to the funeral today.

I was having some anxiety issues when I had to drive through the city the my father lives in to get to the funeral. Then I had to drive by my grandmother's house where my uncle that abused me now lives in. By the time I arrived at the church I was shaky and having some breathing issues.

My hubby was great and just kept talking to me. He walked with me to the cemetary where I visted my grandfather's grave first. It was short and sweet but it did help calm me a little. Then we went into the church. I was a little shaky but I didn't see anyone from my family so I was ok.

It was a small church so people were in 2 other rooms besides the main part of the church. My hubby did a quick check for me to see if there was anyone that would set me off. He found nobody. I should have known that my parents and uncles, and aunts would be too self absorbed to go to the funeral of someone they knew their whole life and who was a main support of the community for that long also.

Then I was a little anxious about the possibility of people I know, neighbours etc that might ask me how my parents are doing or where they live now. I find it very ackward as I don't know what to say. Like "well I haven't spoke to them in 10 years since I remembered my father killing a woman and molesting me" doesn't seem apppropriate. But to say I don't know sounds cold and uncaring.

Anyway most people just asked me about my kids. Which I love to talk about.

There was one person in my family there which was a good thing. My grandmother was there. Nobody has told her what is going on. She asked if I was going to a wedding this weekend for the family and I just said that my aunt doesn't like me too much. She didn't ask questions.

But my grandmother was very happy to see me and spent most of the reception part introducing me to all her friends. This is my grand daughter and my grand son (my hubby). She was so proud. I haven't seen her in years because I was so scared of what people told her and scared to run into one of my aunts and uncles if I went to see here. One uncle (not the one that abused me) even threatened me to shut up and stop hurting everyone or else.

It also turns out that my grandmother has moved into an appartment that is just a few blocks from where my daughter moved to go to college. She told me she has a spare bed if we wanted to visit. She says she hasn't had anyone visit in months. It's sad. Her kids moved her out of her home and took everything and then never go visit her.

It was a long and very emotional day. I have started grieving for the special person who died and I delivered a card to the sister of another very important person from my childhood who is dying of leukiemia. But I feel better that I had the chance to tell her how much she meant to me before she died. I think that was my biggest regret going to the funeral. Not being able to tell her how much she meant to me when she was alive.

So all in all a very positive experience after I realized I was safe from seeing and possibly being confronted by the rest of my family.

Thanks for everyone's support through this. I felt stronger going then I would have without all your support.

 

[maddog]

Wow, Nimkekaa, that's fantastic, good on you! Sounds like you faced the fear head on and stared it down. Families are such intertwined and complicated institutions, there are always so many hidden traps and possible challenges in terms of questions from others who either know or don't know the reality, and I understand the fear and anxiety that all of that can bring.

But it sounds as though you handled everything with absolute dignity and courage - you did yourself and your special person proud, you really did.

Maddog

 

[nimkekaa]

Thank you so much for your kind words Maddog. Sometimes I dont see my strenghts and I really do like the way I handled this.

Your so right about families being complicated institiutions. Things could have gotten really messy or I could have had a big panic attack. I do feel stronger for getting through it and I am so glad for the chance to say goodbye.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Good for you. You did it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am so proud of you. I am glad it worked out the way it did for you. It is so hard to make a choice of what to do. I am so happy for you that it all worked out.

 

[nimkekaa]

Thanks Gizmo

It has a lot to do with all the support and strenght I have received from everyone here. It is so nice to have people that understand how huge the decision really was. People that understand the intense fear of running into my abusers or having to answer questions from well meaning people about things I just can't talk about.

I really wish I had found this forum years ago.

 

[Shellbell]

I am so glad it worked out well too. And it needed a lot of strength to make the decision you did and follow it through. Good on you!