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Deleted member 45988
An issue for me is that I am totally fine when avoiding reality by watching interesting tv or playing video game or googling around about some interesting thing or reading good book. But then I try to accomplish tasks, I become anxious and angry very quickly and I stay that way, often for hours. Avoiding reality results in virtually no smoking, drinking, pop consumption etc. Trying to get something accomplished results in boatloads of bad habits of all sorts. I totally quit drinking and smoking last year for a few months and it wasn't that difficult, but I also did not attempt to accomplish much at all. Back to worrying about reality and getting money to pay bills, etc and right back to massive anger and anxiety and lots of bad habits.
I started smoking initially with sexual assault in college, then I quit and then I started smoking and drinking with recent trigger. Before sexual assault, when I was in my teens, I was fitness and bodybuilding and nutrition fanatic who would rarely eat high fat or sugar. My parents were upset by my refusal to eat things like bratwurst starting when I was about 14 (they initially misinterpreted my sudden interest in nutrition as some sort of strange anorexia or something before finally realizing that it wasn't) because I read a book about nutrition and stopped eating high fat and high sugar foods and have mostly stayed that way my entire life, except when I am upset and then I eat candy and chain smoke and drink.
I am just unclear how much of this is the way and how much of it is the way people in general work.
For me anxiety and anger turns me into totally out of control person who does endless harmful things. But then also if I just avoid everything I don't have negative emotions and am back in control. And it's very consistently the same.
So I'd like to find some way to be the way I am when laying around watching movies or surfing web or playing video games while I am accomplishing tasks to get money to pay bills, etc but I have not found a way.
And I am not sure how much of this is just me and how much is common for ptsd/ptsd like people. I know that I don't smoke like most people, or at least that most people who smoke don't swing as massively as I do based on emotional state. I take a day and do nothing and suddenly look at the clock and realize that I haven't smoked for 3 hours and feel no great need to smoke. I try to accomplish something and am fighting not to smoke again because I just smoked 15 minutes ago, but smoking is all I can think about (or drinking beer/pop).
I started smoking initially with sexual assault in college, then I quit and then I started smoking and drinking with recent trigger. Before sexual assault, when I was in my teens, I was fitness and bodybuilding and nutrition fanatic who would rarely eat high fat or sugar. My parents were upset by my refusal to eat things like bratwurst starting when I was about 14 (they initially misinterpreted my sudden interest in nutrition as some sort of strange anorexia or something before finally realizing that it wasn't) because I read a book about nutrition and stopped eating high fat and high sugar foods and have mostly stayed that way my entire life, except when I am upset and then I eat candy and chain smoke and drink.
I am just unclear how much of this is the way and how much of it is the way people in general work.
For me anxiety and anger turns me into totally out of control person who does endless harmful things. But then also if I just avoid everything I don't have negative emotions and am back in control. And it's very consistently the same.
So I'd like to find some way to be the way I am when laying around watching movies or surfing web or playing video games while I am accomplishing tasks to get money to pay bills, etc but I have not found a way.
And I am not sure how much of this is just me and how much is common for ptsd/ptsd like people. I know that I don't smoke like most people, or at least that most people who smoke don't swing as massively as I do based on emotional state. I take a day and do nothing and suddenly look at the clock and realize that I haven't smoked for 3 hours and feel no great need to smoke. I try to accomplish something and am fighting not to smoke again because I just smoked 15 minutes ago, but smoking is all I can think about (or drinking beer/pop).
