Anxiety And Sadness Over Co-worker

[Kintsugi]

I started a new job a few weeks ago. One day, myself and some co-workers were chatting with a nurse who passes through our workspace. Somehow, we ended up talking about eating or dietary habits, and I said some comment that made the nurse turn to me and say, "Oh, no, I had really bad anorexia..." and she went on to tell us a little (but in the context of a casual chat, quite a lot) about her long struggle with anorexia and how she was married to a man who was emotionally abusive and made tons of disparaging remarks about her weight.

Anyway, so I'm shocked by all this, and to try and diffuse the tension, I talked a bit about having some of my own eating problems in the past/issues with food. Mind you, there are two other co-workers in the room, and I have known them for just a few weeks now.

So then out of nowhere, my other co-worker relates to us that he recently started anti-depressants, and he talks about how that affects his appetite. And thus, the situation is basically completely diffused, and we all sort of move on.

Anyway, I've been thinking a lot (actually, now that I think about it, it's a lot like an intrusive thought) when I work with this co-worker, whom I really admire and enjoy working with immensely, that he would get along well with my partner's step-father, who commited suicide early this year. Now I worry about my co-worker. I think about how he and Bill would probably really like each other, and it just makes me so sad.

I would really like to be able to somehow approach my co-worker and somehow express my support. I don't want to walk up and be like, "Hey, this man who was a big part of my life in the past five years killed himself this year and I don't want that for you," but I DO want to *somehow* reach him.

I don't know. We talk very openly about subjects most people would shy away from. I get the impression his early life was very troubling. I think maybe I could just disclose to him that I have PTSD. I could probably lead into it about as casually as one can ever do that by linking it to a work issue or something. (Or discrimination policies or something; people are always teasing me for being so anxious)

I'm open to any opinions or suggestions from people on whether or not to approach this and, if so, how.

I'm just really scared that I could see someone else die like Bill did.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Am I reading this right or did neither of your co-workers say anything about being suicidal? I've re-read your thread a few times and can't pin point it. If so, then I think you're jumping the gun. Not everyone who is depressed or anorexic kills themselves. (I can't figure out which co-worker you are referring to wanting to befriend.) The truth is that MOST people with these disorders do NOT kill themselves, so rather than try and "save" someone I think that you should work on calming your own fears. I'm not saying that you shouldn't reach out and be this persons friend, just think that you may be doing it for the wrong reasons. Perhaps you are doing a bit of trauma recreation in that you couldn't save Bill but you want to "save" this new person. Not a good thing to get into. Would you want someone to befriend you because they had a PTSD person in their life and things didn't go well, so along you come and they are nice to you because they don't want the same thing to happen to you? I'd be more than a little put off because that means the person is making sweeping assumptions about me and my life. I wouldn't take well to this kind of friendship (ie a friendship at least partially built out of pity and the need to "save" me.)

 

[Kintsugi]

I just want him to know... if he gets to a dark place, it's not forever. It doesn't have to be forever.

Yes, I want to save him. Yes, I couldn't save Bill.

Bill hung curtains in my house on a Saturday. He said, "I'm proud of you. I'm proud of both of you (myself and B)."

On a perfect Monday, when everything fell into place after some chaos for me and B, we were going to stop and see Bill at home, but we decided to get cleaned up for a dinner we had planned to take Bill and B's mom out for.

B got a phone call and then everything went horrible. Bill had hung himself.

No warning. He was just depressed. Bill had struggled with depression his whole life. The man had worked for a suicide hotline in the past.

He was just gone. Immediately. There was no way to bring him back. We couldn't tell him we loved him. We couldn't tell him it was going to get better. He was just gone.

I can't have another person just be gone, without trying to tell them it's going to get better, that life is worth it, that I care.

Yes. I'm very scared that my experience will repeat.

Bill never said that he was suicidal. You wouldn't even think the depression was consuming him as much as it obviously did that day. A social worker, a children's advocate, a suicide hotline worker... and one night we got a phone call and there was no talking to him any more.

I am so sad. This co-worker reminds me of Bill in so many ways. His feelings of inferiority to his wife. He laughs easily. He also takes criticism so personally and hard.

I can barely form the words to express how much I worry.

 

[Justmehere]

I admire your desire to help your co-worker. It sounds like the horrible trauma of losing Bill has been stirred up and triggered by this co-worker saying he has depression.

To care for your co-worker is to be there for him and learn what it looks like to do that without trying to also rescue him.

My roommate committed suicide. I could never have done enough to save him, or anyone else. The vast majority of people on anti-depressants do not attempt or commit suicide. It sounds like he is willing to talk and is getting help.

I would focus on continuing on just as you are in the relationship with your co-worker. If you want to say you have PTSD, then that could be ok. But I would be careful of doing it just in an effort to try to save him from his own depression. Instead, just be his friend. If he needs more help, he sounds like he would have the courage to reach out to you or someone else. But don't underestimate the powers of a friend who can just be there.

I would also find ways to continue working through the loss of Bill, and to honor his life. :hug:

 

[anthony]

I'm with @Solara on this one... depression is just depression, and I'm pretty sure MAS that you endure depression also... so would you really want someone you've known for 3 weeks coming up to you and wanting to have a D&M about being there if you felt suicidal?

If you told them you have PTSD... then the depressed guy might feel the same about supporting you!

I think this is the classic case, someone says something, then that person feels they need to fix the other, if they want it.

You cannot undo what is done, and that you need to accept. The lives lost to depression are minute in comparison to the numbers with depression.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I have heard that once a person has made the decision, no one can talk them out of it. Try to remember that you are not at fault or responsible for someones elses bad choice.

I grieve with you that you had to experience this and I imagine it is quite a trigger.

Please take the best care of yourself that you can and do not be hard on yourself. You are innocent of any wrongdoing. Not your fault.