Anxiety associated with inner images

[Deleted member 42984]

I'm back in the shit. This has been a familiar pattern lately. Like, two days of feeling alright and doing okay, and then my anxiety worsens significantly. And, I've noticed, it's always accomplished by certain inner images in my head, and they sometimes scare me, so I worry I'm about to go insane. Well, what I do to cope is I draw the things I see in my head. Still, it's very unpleasant, especially how I think about my thoughts sometimes. It's like, I can't trust my own thoughts, my thoughts are out to kill me, or hurt me. Kinda ridiculous to think so, I know. A walk in the park doesn't really seem to help, as my anxiety just gets worse from doing so. I do it anyway, as I know that I need to get out of my bubble once in a while.

Last session with T was kind of a breakthru, he managed to push me so hard so that I finally got properly f*cking pissed off. I told him at the beginning of the session that I have a longing for showing the absolute worst side of myself, in a safe environment. Now, I've always been the nice guy. Anger was not really permitted when I grew up, but much of the trouble connecting with my anger I can attribute to my very first, pre-verbal early trauma. I won't go into details what it is about, suffice to say it has damaged me.

Now, I felt good after session, but then things got tough again. It's like, the feeling of being free, which I experienced after session only lasts for so long before things turn to shit again.

I'm not really interested in any advice (just putting it out there), but I would like to know if anyone relates to any of this?? Thanks in advance :-)