Anxiety/family member figuring the truth

[GenerousMoon]

I let my daughter (28yrs) use my tablet. Forgot to move several letters I wrote to my pcp & Therapist to a private folder about my abuse. This morning, my daughter asked me about something in the letter. She tried to tell me she been having dreams about me. She asked me a question that was only in the letter. She also asked about my abuser she only met 3x. The last time she was about 13yrs. I refused to answer any of her questions. I am afraid she going to keep asking questions. I have hidden many things from both of my children. I am not ready yet. I am so frustrated because I was so careless.

 

[Canotia]

I can't imagine how you feel. This is something that I worry about. I have never disclosed my abuse to my kids and honestly never intend to. I think the most important thing you said here is that you are not ready. I don't know if you could simply say "I sense you have questions, but I am not ready to answer any at this time." I can't imagine your anxiety. This is something that I worry about and go to great lengths to make sure I hide anything that may hint of my abuse. I hope at this time you have learned enough to engage is something healthy to help you cope. For sure, at the very least, I would call my therapist just to help calm me.

 

[Suzetig]

If you think she's read your letters, I wonder if you could ask her about that and explain they were private, not intended for her eyes and while you understand she may have questions, it's not something you want to talk about with her. That way you're not talking across each other and she will know that you know she's read what was in there. It also sets a clear boundary in terms of her reading your letters and you not engaging in discussion with her about your private stuff.

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

(((:hug: )))
Sending comforting hugs...this HAS to be distressing for you! I agree with the way you handled it, by refusing to discuss the matter. If/when she asks any more questions, you can reassure her that your therapist is helping you work through this. That's all she needs to know. You can hug her, and thank her for her caring and concern.
Be kind and forgiving to yourself. That's the MOST important thing. :hug:

 

[Gs172003]

It was wrong for her to read your private stuff and you don't owe her an explanation.. I'm sorry that she did that. If you don't want to discuss it you don't have to.

 

[GenerousMoon]

Thank you. my nerves are so bad right now. there are certain things just not ready to talk about. i just started therapy in sept & last session was 11/8 due to work schedule. New therapy starts tomorrow. my mind is racing to the max.

 

[Friday]

What Suztig said.

 

[Powder]

I'm sorry. That is a hard thing to go through at the beginning of opening up. This kind of thing does retraumatize a little and makes you want to run back to silence.

On the other hand, when this kind of thing happened to me, or when I finally opened up to someone and tried to trust a little, I found out that they were abused, too. Not saying she was. But, it always helped me to see that even those who don't have PTSD have trauma in their history.

I hope that you don't over-react with the daughter. I tend to over-react when I think someone has trespassed some kind of boundary and when my heart started to race.

Early on in processing my memories, I felt much more vulnerable, and I had to "tell them what they did to upset me."

I found that people don't usually understand and feel blasted by the level of upset-ness PTSD and my hurts reveal in me.

I don't have specific advice because I speak of my own problem area when this kind of thing has happened to me. I need to go lick my wounds a while, and also get some exercise and self-care, and then talk to someone else and not the person who upset me.

 

[Gs172003]

I would be more open to this thing if the person wasn't grown. A 28 year old should know better. This isn't a kid or even a teen. This was a grown woman that read something private. To me that is unacceptable. That wouldn't be any different than me going into my daughter's house and reading her mail. She wouldn't appreciate that either.

 

[Powder]

I see your point, @Zoogal , but there is more to it than age. Personality, relationship boundaries, and other variables, such as her technical abilities; if she couldn't get to Word without opening a minimized doc and starting a new doc, then it's less offensive. Legally, it was in plain view.

I have known "normal" 26 year olds who need their mom to go with them to the Dr. and Dentist, and hold her hand, and she will call their mom every day, etc. Turns out that young woman was going through acceptance of herself as a lesbian, when she hadn't had that level of self-awareness in the past. She had always been "different" and maybe curious, but she didn't identify as LGBT until 27. Not uncommon. Some of her functioning was delayed because she had unfinished psychological work underway (it's called "benign regression" when people act immature whilst moving through a major psychic growth spurt).

People have delays in their functioning that is not all "character" based or "behavior" based. Also, was it okay to open other files in the past for specific reasons, such as to use them as a template or a guide, and this was not a huge invasion of privacy to the daughter? It depends of the family culture.

I won't assume that this was offensive in any specific way, or a crossed line that should have been known until this Mom says it is, just based on age; and maybe she did, and I missed that element. I only see that she didn't want the whole story out for this audience yet, and she wanted a controlled release, later, maybe. The older I get, the more I am aware of what I don't know, and should not assume, based on one fact. People are more nuanced than I thought. I don't get offended on behalf of people like I used to do until they tell me that they are offended.

Sometimes it's open and shut like that, but sometimes, there is a reason for the behavior or it highlights something.

In this case, I look at it from also the 28 year old's POV. If she is normal to high emotional intelligence and IQ, then she's aware that there is something that has always been going on with mom. The more people hide things, the more obvious they are hiding something big. Without a label, children grow up blaming themselves for problems (egocentric reasoning) until about the 20's, when they realize it's not all about them. They want to understand. Secrets are not always great for relationships. But it depends on the ability of another to process and handle the information and the emotions that go with them.

 

[GenerousMoon]

I see your point, @Zoogal , but there is more to it than age. Personality, relationship...

Yes, my daughter always known something was wrong due to my temper & other symptoms. the idea of reading the letters was not appropriate. She knows I will never invade her privacy. She had told me almost everything that is private. when i feel something is wrong. I tell her whenever she is ready she can talk to me.

 

[Canotia]

I think it is about where you go from here. I am sure this was a huge lesson for both of you, but that doesn't really matter at this moment; I suspect. The big thing is the huge SECRET is out there. And, it was a secret you were not ready to share. I have been told several times in therapy that I am still keeping secrets, and it is true. I so much feel for you, I can't express it. I am interest in how therapy goes and how you decide to proceed. One thing I am learning is that I have to make my own decisions. I can ask other people what to do, but ultimately I have to decide. My only advice would be to not lie. I have lied too many times hiding my secrets, it makes the awful secret grow. Choosing how much to give is up to you.