Relationship Anxiety high

[Woundedhealer]

So right before I decided to give my boyfriend space and to “let go” as he said he didn’t have it in him for a serious relationship and he needed to focus on healing... I wrote a final letter explaining to him that I respected his wishes and that I would focus on me, that I was educating myself on PTSD, that I would respect his need for space but I’d be here for him when he was ready. I drove to his house and left the letter on the windshield to his truck. Last night he texted me to say that he got my letter but that the words were unreadable due to the rain. I sat and thought about it ... thought well if he was really done and didn’t care, he wouldn’t have texted me right?
This morning I rewrote the letter and took it back to his house and again left it on his truck. But there was an unfamiliar car there, parked in front of his truck which means this person came over after he got off of his graveyard shift. Something I used to do frequently... and now I’m crazy making thinking what if he’s already with someone else? I know this is ridiculous to make these scenarios in my head but it’s so hard not to imagine the worst when we haven’t been talking. I decided to send him a quick tex and just straight out ask him. I said I have always respected your honesty and I’m sorry to ask but for my own peace of mind I need to know if you’re dating or seeing other women. Who knows if he’ll even answer but I do know cheating is a deal breaker for me . I am willing to ride this out and support him for the long term but lying, cheating and abuse of any kind have always been and always will be deal breakers. My anxiety is so high right now ...sigh
I hope he’ll at least answer this one question... when we’ve had isolation periods before he always reassured me that there has never been any other women ... So I hope this time it’s the same but if there is somebody else now, I’ll have my closure... even though it’ll rip my heart out!

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Maybe the car was a buddy's. Maybe a friend came over and stayed the night? Maybe they got drunk and the friend couldn't drive home. Maybe...maybe...maybe....

There are so many maybes. I understand why your anxiety is high and I am glad you have your deal breakers. Those are boundries and you need to adhere to them. But, be careful to not push him away. I am not saying you are. Just thinking in my head that if a friend came over and, say, a boyfriend came by to leave a note on my car and then automatically assumed that the other car was another guy's and sent me a text to confirm that, or not, I would likely bail. Or at least get really upset and pull away and we'd backtrack in our relationship.

Trust. Anxiety and all, do you trust him? If not, maybe that in itself should be a deal breaker? If you do then trust in that. You know?

 

[Wounded healer]

Yes you’re so right ... I have to trust! I hate it when my thoughts run away with me sometimes, well a lot actually, and always negative thinking! Ugh
Something I’m working on with my councillor... he said he was taking the time to work on himself and has never lied before so I HAVE to believe that for now anyways! Thanks for the response. I won’t be contacting him again unless he reaches out to me. Thank you!

The hard part about all of this is knowing we’ve been down this path before where he isolates, tells me he’s broken and lost, can’t feel and I deserve better. Then I back off and yet we slowly start communicating more and more and then he comes back saying he loves me and is all in. I can deal with time apart. I was in my own for years before I met him and raised 5 children on my own. I work, have a great family and good friends and my children. I can do the isolating part if he could just tell me when he needs space. Then that’d be my cue to back off. This is the first isolation that I knew it was PTSD. Before this, I just gave him space cause I knew his life was stressful.
If he comes back this time then boundaries will need to be set. Like a simple tex every now and then to let me know he’s still there. That would be reassurance to me that he’s working on surviving but still committed to us.
I’m extremely patient and understanding and the more I learn , the better I’ll be able to roll with whatever challenges we face.

I guess cause of my own baggage, I always worry about the cheating thing. Men who have disappeared in the past have been cheating. I do need to trust! He’s never lied to me before! This is all new territory but I’m not afraid! I love this beautiful and brave man and I’m willing to keep trying until I can’t

 

[lostforgottensoul]

If he comes back this time then boundaries will need to be set. Like a simple tex every now and then to let me know he’s still there. That would be reassurance to me that he’s working on surviving but still committed to us.

A good boundry to set. Maybe not a huge text. Like "all good" or something. I could do that every so often even in a really bad time.

I guess cause of my own baggage, I always worry about the cheating thing. Men who have disappeared in the past have been cheating.

Maybe something to work on in your own therapy? Maybe those men have but maybe this man isn't. It's not black or white. Not all men that disapear are cheating. You know?

 

[Sweetpea76]

Ok... let’s step back and think of this logically. I’m a supporter and I get it, it’s crazymaking... but think.

I wrote a final letter explaining to him that I respected his wishes and that I would focus on me, that I was educating myself on PTSD, that I would respect his need for space but I’d be here for him when he was ready.

That’s all well and good... if you mean it. If you don’t mean it, then you’re just blowing smoke by saying what you think he wants to hear so he’ll come back. Freaking out is not respecting his wishes for space and letting go.

said I have always respected your honesty and I’m sorry to ask but for my own peace of mind I need to know if you’re dating or seeing other women.

^^^ This is the exact opposite of what you said you’d do. This is not respecting space at all. This is surveillance, then accusation and drama.

Who knows if he’ll even answer but I do know cheating is a deal breaker for me .

He isn’t cheating, even if he is seeing somebody, right? You’ve said this several times;

he said he didn’t have it in him for a serious relationship and he needed to focus on healing...

^^ He told you he couldn’t handle a committed relationship. You said he was honest, right?

You need to step back and settle down. Mean what you say and say what you mean. No relationship drama.

 

[joeylittle]

So right before I decided to give my boyfriend space and to “let go” as he said he didn’t have it in him for a serious relationship and he needed to focus on healing... I wrote a final letter explaining to him that I respected his wishes and that I would focus on me, that I was educating myself on PTSD, that I would respect his need for space but I’d be here for him when he was ready.

Just following @Sweetpea76's excellent post, above....I'm curious about the being there for him when he's ready part. I don't know if that's the best thing for you. I do think there's a way to leave the door open, if that's important to you, but you also need to truly give yourself permission to walk away from that door (if that makes sense).

 

[Woundedhealer]

I so appreciate your candour! I’m trying so hard to stay level headed! It’s hard to hear the advice come back cause I know you’re talking sense and I’m not thinking straight! It’s just been so up and down for me ... thank you for taking the time to respond!
Honestly I really feel like I could do this if I just had some reassurance from him from time to time but I also know he’s not in a place to give me that right now. This is hard as you all know! But thank you again!
I’m breathing deep!

 

[lostforgottensoul]

@Woundedhealer, are you seeing your own therapist for the anxiety?

 

[Wounded healer]

Yes ... have had other sessions in the past but am now with a new councillor who’ve I’ve seen once. I’m dealing with my own trauma as well ... witnessed my son hit by a car 4 years ago and was in a coma for weeks afterwards, it’s a miracle he survived and my daughter being raped last year ... the nightmares and feeling frozen started for me when this relationship started to deteriorate ... I’m being referred to a psychiatrist
Always thought I had my shit together and have been so strong but apparently I’m unraveling

 

[Sweetpea76]

That’s the rub... it’s not all romance and rainbows. Being in a relationship with somebody who has PTSD is very real, and a lot of times very unromantic.

Trust is hard won. 100% say what you mean and don’t dismiss what they say “because it’s the PTSD talking.” PTSD doesn’t take away somebody’s autonomy.

Typical relationship drama does not fly. It’s not romantic or passionate. It’s stressful and will send a sufferer running for the hills.

Working on your own issues is honestly more important than learning about his PTSD. Being the supporting partner is tough, and we have to be able to self-soothe and cope on our own a lot of times because our partners are not always capable of supporting us.

 

[Woundedhealer]

That’s the rub... it’s not all romance and rainbows. Being in a relationship with somebody who has PTSD is very real, and a lot of times very unromantic.

Trust is hard won. 100% say what you mean and don’t dismiss what they say “because it’s the PTSD talking.” PTSD doesn’t take away somebody’s autonomy.

Typical relationship drama does not fly. It’s not romantic or passionate. It’s stressful and will send a sufferer running for the hills.

Working on your own issues is honestly more important than learning about his PTSD. Being the supporting partner is tough, and we have to be able to self-soothe and cope on our own a lot of times because our partners are not always capable of supporting us.

Yes I have put far too much focus on being supportive and understanding to my sufferer to the point that I’ve neglected myself! Wow! That’s way too much pressure for anyone let alone someone who has PTSD!
Thanks for your words of wisdom!

 

[Woundedhealer]

It’s baffling how some days I can feel so strong and confident and yet other days so low and insecure... what I’m learning is that the hard days are the days when I take the focus off of me!