Anxious And Fearful

[shrinkingviolet]

I don't know what it is about this place, but I feel safer sharing here than with anyone in my life. Perhaps it's fear of judgment or that I won't be who I try so hard to be for those I love. I have been suffering from bad migraines since October (they just started 3 years ago) and was hospitalized for ten days, along with countless trips to the ER and trying just about every medication possible. I don't sleep and now am treading on thin ice with my job, having missed so much work. My husband has been supportive but I am afraid the toll of me constantly being in pain, in bed and not being intimate with him will lead him to leave me. He had an affair almost 8 years ago, right after the birth of our daughter, not feeling the attention I guess. We worked through things, they are better but my fear is growing. All I ever wanted was to have a family and when I was raped, I believed that dream was forever gone, that no man would ever want me. I am not comfortable with letting my guard down or having others control things, it causes me panic attacks. Right now, I have no control over anything and it scares me to death. When I feel like this, it triggers memories of the rape and being abused by my uncle as a child. I just am so tired of the pain and of being afraid all the time. I am tired of letting everyone down and feel like I'm losing everything I worked so hard for. There are days I just want to crawl into a ball and sleep, escape the pressure. I am afraid to share this with my husband, that he won't understand or will be annoyed. I have walls when it comes to our intimacy that I know he resents. I don't want to give him more fuel. Please don't get me wrong, he has been very supportive and stepped up as Dad taking care of things for which I love him. I just feel like I want to scream, but its on the inside so no one will know. I guess I am more of a mess than I realized.....

 

[Yvy]

I'm so sorry to read what you've been through and how awful you are feeling. I wish you much love. Those migraines must be awful too. Do you have a therapist that can help you? I can imagine not having control is so scary!

Are the thoughts that you are letting everyone down realistic? I don't know you of course but you are in pain right now and you can't help that. So I'd think you're not letting anyone down. And thinking of it that way will make yourself feel even worse I think?

Do I understand it correctly that your husband is annoyed that you have walls but that you are afraid that he's annoyed too if you share with him? Can you maybe tell him that you'd like to share with him how you feel but that you are having difficulties with that? (as a first step?)

I wish you very much luck and hope the pressure that you're feeling and the pain will become less very quickly!!!! I wish I could say something that could help you.

 

[shrinkingviolet]

I don't have a current therapist but agree that I may need to start up with one again. And yes, I think the fear of letting everyone down causes much stress, which helps fuel the migraines. It's a vicious cycle, one I am trying to overcome. Your kindness and suggestions do help, thank you @Yvy :)

 

[ekane]

You are carrying a tremendous load on your shoulders right now! You deserve some relief. If you feel too overwhelmed to research a new long-term therapist and would like immediate support, Google "online therapy". 18 months ago I used simple online therapy sites every time I felt too close to the edge. Many have a selection of skilled therapists online most hours of the day, and they have discounts for first timers. So an hour online chat is cheap. I use it over 15 times and I can say that 14 of those times I felt much better and left the chat with a renewed focus and hope and often a plan of action. This helps if it's 11pm on a weekend and you can't call a classic therapist for immediate support. Its worth it.

Get any support you can now, don't want the stress load to spiral any deeper.