Any advice or thoughts?

[joeylittle]

OK. First off, this:

I’m blocking you. No wonder I don’t agree with anything you say. You don’t have ptsd and therefore can’t see anything from a ptsd point of view.

is never necessary. You want to ignore someone, ignore them. Parting shot? Thread-banned.

Just someone delete my post then, I don't need this abuse here too

Re-read the community constitution. You post on this site, you'll get all sorts of replies. Learn to use the ignore function. You'll find information on how to use the ignore function here.

Emotional abuse can cause PTSD! It is known as C-PTSD

I have read that severe on going emotional abuse as a child can cause ptsd. My best friend has it for that very reason.

According to the current diagnostic criteria, emotional abuse alone cannot cause PTSD, and it is not the criteria for, or definition of, CPTSD.

I really don't want to see this thread get derailed into that discussion. What I'm going to ask is, we take the OP at their word. They said they don't have PTSD, they are dealing with a history of emotional abuse and are in therapy to work on that. Certainly, they don't need this board trying to convince them that they may have PTSD.

OP - I think this is a great opportunity for you to really hash some of this relational stuff out with your therapist, and it would be a very appropriate environment for you to do so.

All I want from him is friendship.

But this, this is not realistic. You said that he knows this is what you are hoping for, following therapy. What he should have said was, no, that's not going to be immediately possible. It sounds like he didn't. Is that right? Or, has he said things (the 'grey area' you mentioned) that are contributing to the confusion you are now feeling?

I'm also just wondering - I think you said that you and he hug, so was this some different kind of touching you were looking for?

 

[Surfergal]

How do I know if its romantic feelings though? All I want from him is friendship. Also, how can one...

I felt like this too with my T. Felt like what was the point when it means I was only going to experience hurt, pain and heartbreak in the end. It will hurt but leaving now will also be extremely painful and not help with your healing. Stick with it and discuss it further with your T. If you T is a good T you will be able to work through it together and it won't be as painful.

 

[Deleted member 42665]

OK. First off, this:
is never necessary. You want to ignore someone, ignore them. Parting shot?...

Yea we hug every session for months now.... I was basically "looking for" working on safe touch like he had explained was ok months ago. We did a comfort hand hold etc but it was suppose to be on my terms, I felt ready and then got shot down. He assumes this is all due to romantic feelings which only fuels my fear of touch because I associate touch with sex/romance which is why I avoid it.

Anyway sorry for the ignore thing, I just really felt attacked and was not looking for anything but a delete button

He does not know I want to be friends after, just that I had friend desires for him.... but I've read about people who are friends after, in fact I made a post here about it not long ago,and it gave me hope. Now its all dashed

Yes his grey area stuff with me was very friend like, and even had my friend very confused on his feelings.

 

[Surfergal]

I really don't want to see this thread get derailed into that discussion. What I'm going to ask is, we take the OP at their word. They said they don't have PTSD, they are dealing with a history of emotional abuse and are in therapy to work on that. Certainly, they don't need this board trying to convince them that they may have PTSD.

Yes, you are completely correct. Apologies if my posts seemed like that's what I was saying as it was not at all. It wasn't meant that way. It was more about that none of us know the OPs full story to make these judgements and then I perhaps went too far the other way as I was angered by the unsupportive and what I feel was a very harsh second post

 

[joeylittle]

I was basically "looking for" working on safe touch like he had explained was ok months ago. We did a comfort hand hold etc but it was suppose to be on my terms, I felt ready and then got shot down. He assumes this is all due to romantic feelings which only fuels my fear of touch because I associate touch with sex/romance which is why I avoid it.

Ah - so, first thing to do, is probably say this paragraph to him. It's really not helpful for the therapeutic alliance for him to have told you one thing a few months ago, and then say 'no, sorry, can't do that' - certainly without giving any context for why he's changed his mind.

He does not know I want to be friends after, just that I had friend desires for him.... but I've read about people who are friends after, in fact I made a post here about it not long ago,and it gave me hope. Now its all dashed

Gotcha. It's really not something that a therapist is supposed to do - be friends after therapy. In the US, there's a guideline for a number of years that need to have passed, I believe it's 4 years.

Having an expectation or hope of the end of therapy segueing into friendship, will ultimately cause problems in the therapy process. The biggest thing to remember is - you aren't relating to your therapist as a friend right now. They are being much, much more than a friend - they are making each and every time they see you, all about you. You really might not even like them, if you were not in this relationship with them. I know that will feel hard to believe, but it's true. One of the biggest reasons people have such attractions to their therapist is, that the therapist is the person who listens, who is giving you support, who makes you the center of their universe for the duration of the session. It doesn't mean that they don't enjoy the time they spend with their clients, and it doesn't mean that they are only their because they are getting paid. But it does mean that they've been hired to help you, which is a specific kind of relationship.

Yes his grey area stuff with me was very friend like, and even had my friend very confused on his feelings.

Could you make a list of these things, and bring them into your next session?

 

[Deleted member 42665]

Ah - so, first thing to do, is probably say this paragraph to him. It's really not helpful for the...

The thing is though, the sessions are not, nor have ever been all about me, he shares a bunch about his personal life with me as well. There is a lot of outside contact which also includes that sort of stuff, its why I have been crazy confused about things as well.

I could bring a list but I actually liked all those things, I am terrified to lose them. Even though I know he does not want to be friends, the "friendly approach" made me feel more comfortable with him and relaxed. It's much too hard to imagine anything else changing because I open my big mouth about stuff, I already regret saying the touch stuff.

I will explain the other issue though, about how the touch part changed and now it has fueled my fear of touch even more.

 

[Freida]

The thing is though, the sessions are not, nor have ever been all about me, he shares a bunch about his personal life with me as well.

I think there are some red flags here with your T. He should be setting some better boundaries so that you don't end up feeling like you have lost something because of him. And your T should only share very limited personal info -- as an example of normal behavior. His job is to be your therapist - not your friend. It's ok that you have that backwards, but it is NOT ok that he does.

It might be time to think about a new T. That may help you get some distance and get back to working on the issues from the past that are causing issues like this today. Plus, a new one could help you understand the attachment issues that led you to your feelings for him. Not bad feelings, not good ones. Just feelings to be addressed.

 

[Emotional girl]

Wow I am just trying to get over the first response to you on this thread as I thought this was meant to be a supportive forum.
I think that you are suffering from some kind of C PSTD and if even if you weren't does it really matter as surely we meant to be human beings supporting each other.
Any way moving on it sounds to me like you are suffering with some kind of transference issues.I could have written your thread myself except that I want more than to be friends with my T and I think really deep down you want to be more than friends with your T as well.
I know you must have found the whole touch thing hard but he must of thought if he let's you touch him then it could make things more confusing for you and the boundaries would have been pushed or broken.He might have sounded very harsh and it seems like rejection to you but I think sometimes they have to be that way to establish boundaries.
It does sound like you have some attachment issues with him which need to be sorted out.
I would write everything down about the way you are feeling and how you felt about the touch or lack of it and I would show it or read it to him and that way he will get a better understanding of what is going on for you.

 

[Deleted member 42665]

Wow I am just trying to get over the first response to you on this thread as I thought this was...

I'm working on trying to write an email, but I think it sounds bad every time I edit it LOL. I'm driving myself crazy over this. I truly don't think I
have more than friend feelings, I honestly think I may be asexual or something. I don't really have desires to be romantic with anyone. I just
want friendships. Anyway... thanks for your reply and ya I may have C PTSD. No idea but I also had more then just emotional abuse growing up, that was just the worst as I am STILL dealing with it daily.

 

[Emotional girl]

I am sure you will find the right words in the end ,it always takes me several times to get down exactly what I need to say.
I do think that love comes is several different forms and what you are feeling is one of them whether that be wanting to be friends or anything else.
Emotional abuse can stay in your head just as long as any physical abuse.I had both when I was growing up but it is the words that I have more difficulty dealing with and they are what effect my self confidence and self worth ect.
Talking things out with your T will definitely help you see why you think the way you do and why you craved his touch so much.It is all about learning and growing as a person.
Good luck with your email and wishing you all the best.

 

[UnicornSightings]

This sounds so painful. I get that. It was your t’s mistake to promise something he wouldn’t deliver. It’s possible at the start he thought it would be very helpful but now that he’s seeing the feelings you have for him now he knows it was a bad call. Circumstances may have changed. So his job is to help you and to do his best at that. Due to how badly you want to be touched I think he made the right call by setting a boundary. And that’s so hard and painful and I’m so sorry you’re hurting. But I do think going down that road would mess you up. He’s trying to prevent that. Ideally the attachment should get better and not worse. The goal is to work toward your confidence and independence. I get the touch thing. I’m like that as well. Touch is weird for me. I don’t crave it or anything but I get that it could be healing. Maybe you don’t have romantic feelings for him now but touch could make the transference a whole new kind of uncomfortable. I’d for sure talk about this in depth with him and express your hurt. You deserve to feel your feelings and be supported during that.

 

[Deleted member 42665]

Good luck with your email and wishing you all the best.

He replied already, it was not the best... here is what he said "Thank you for not expecting a reply right away, but I did want to respond that things are still ok. There is still work to do. There are some things to clear up so there doesn’t need to be awkward feelings. (Awkward was the best inclusive term I could come up with.) See you Tuesday so we can talk in person."

I'm not sure if its good or bad. I'm nervous

This sounds so painful...

The thing is, my entire life I never wanted or craved touch either, and then he hugged me and it was like a whole new world opened up, I struggled so much with it, we literally spent 5 or 6 sessions taking time to talk about how hugging felt because I was beating myself over it, it took me even longer to admit to him that I liked it and I held my head in shame when I did.... even typing that made me feel weird.... anyway...
I don't have that desire with anyone else either. I don't feel like I want to hug anyone or touch them etc. its very confusing and scary and I hate all of this mess I have now created.