Any advice or thoughts?

[Freida]

From the outside I think his response is perfect. He's acknowledging there is a concern ( not problem!) and is going to address it with you at your next session. It actually makes me feel better about him!

 

[UnicornSightings]

He replied already, it was not the best... here is what he said "Thank you for not expecting a reply...

You didn’t create a mess. These are your thoughts and feelings and this is what therapy is for. His email sounded good to me. He’s making sure you know things are ok and not to fear that and he’s acknowledging and validating how you’re feeling. It follows the formula therapists use for emails lol. But that doesn’t make it insincere. This will be painful work but could be so very good if you face it. Sounds like he’s willing to work through this with you which is awesome. I hope you can go easy on yourself. These are painful feelings, show yourself love through this.

 

[CatInTree]

It's easier to misunderstand each other in text. That's one reason he can have for wanting to wait until you see each other.

 

[UnicornSightings]

It's easier to misunderstand each other in text. That's one reason he can have for wanting to wait un...

I know for me if the reply is long then I read into things and twist things. As impersonal as responses sometimes feel it’s so much better than something that could add to the misery for sure! And I think most all therapists know this.

 

[Emotional girl]

You haven't created a mess,you are a human being who has obviously had a painful past and now you have formed a attachment to your T.It is a really comm

Common thing in therapy and therapists are used to it.
I think he response was kind and showed that he wants to work with you through what ypu are feeling.

 

[Deleted member 42665]

He knows I'm attached, actually at one point he said I was his most "strongly attached" client but it didn't bother him but I feel like something is wrong with me, considering it's been 9 months and I still have it as what I'd say is strongly...

Anyway, I am glad the email comes off well. I'm still nervous for this convo. I'm nervous it will all seem so different and weird to me. I did my best to explain my feelings about this and our phone call in the email.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I was so sick, this was terrible for me, I felt so dirty to even say it.

It's actually very normal. Erotic transference is a thing, happens often, and even has a counter part, counter erotic transference where the therapist has these feelings about a patient. The theraputic relationship is intimate and can be confusing.

I have sexual thoughts about my therapist all the time and I felt guilty and dirty too but my therapist helped me see that it was my way of helping myself feel safe in times I felt unsafe in familuar ways to me. That it was ok to have as long as the strict boundries that are set in therapy are adhered to and that over time, as I learned new ways to cope it would lessen in quanity. And it has.

If you have any sexual abuse in your past this can happen even moreso as sex and sexualizing people is how our brains work. What's familuar to us. But erotic transference can be present with any trauma past and any relationship. But it isn't wrong or bad or dirty. It's something, a thing, that happens in a theraputic relationship.

too friend like?? After all the BS he has done already???

Yep, even after all of the BS. I have heard of therapists allowing "safe touch" like a hug in the therapy session but in my opinion that really should not be allowed. That is going way too close to that boundry line. But that's just my opinion based on my own therapy boundries. My therapist doesn't allow facebook friends or anything of that sort either. He told me patients have asked to friend him on facebook and he just politely denies the friend request. It is very important to know where those boundries are and I think my opinions are strongly based on 4 past horrid therapists, 2 of which had sex with me. Boundries in therapy (in various areas) are very important and reestablishing them often is just as important. So, no, your therapist should not be your friend. No matter what BS y'all have been through together.

He even previously told me he would work on touch with me and allow me to touch him at times.

This is a very big red flag to me due to reasoning I just advised. Touch how? Was he specific on what kind of touch? Big red flag to me that there are not very good boundries, if any, set. And there should be very clear boundries set. Which is his job to do. So that concerns me.

He told me to "touch my dog" instead

Pretty sound advise. A dog can help mental issues in many ways by the way.

I am not sure if I should tell him how it made me feel

I would tell him. I am curious if he will lay some clear boundries and help you see that they are there to help and not to hurt or reject. I've felt rejected by my therapist in the beginning when I was advancing towards him. I would get pretty nasty towards him as well. It's very intresting to think back and see how he turned my angry and hurt outbursts into therapy work. But voicing how you feel is very important in therapy work and learning why you feel thay way, allowing the feelings to come, and challenging a lot of these distorted thoughts you are having. All part of therapy.

He is all excited he is getting more clients in a few months and I'm sure he wont miss my ugly ***. He will have more exciting and non gross people to help.

I remember many tests I put my therapist through due to this exact thinking. Abandonment fears for me but still, the same line of thinking.

I am not sure I can handle losing him

Abandonment fears.

Since this happened, we spoke on the phone as well and he basically thinks I have feelings for him and tried to assure me its common but I don't feel anything romantic to him, friend like sure but he knows that, I told him months ago. I'm so nervous to go back but I feel like I have to, just abruptly leaving him will mess me up even more.

It is super common. Why do you fear going back?

 

[Deleted member 42665]

It's actually very normal. Erotic transference is a thing, happens often, and even has a cou...

Isn't erotic transference a sexual thing? I know no one believes me but I have no sexual desires for my T, nor have I. I actually think I am asexual or something, because I don't get that feeling with anyone. I would hope you are not trying to tell me that liking hugs is a sexual thing because, again, re-enforcing my fear of touching people....

Why am I afraid to go back? Because it will be different, I know it, he will feel like a whole different person, the comfort level will be so low and I will probably shut down. I'm willing to try it tomorrow but I am not sure I will even stay the whole session, if it feels too weird, I am leaving.

As far as I know, I had no sexual abuse in my past... if I did it's a 100% blocked memory. No one has ever touched me in any way like that.

Anyway, I am so angry I told him, I ruined the relationship we built, it will be so weird now. I'm scared. Also what I mean by touching the dog as being kinda rude is, it is not helpful to me to do something I've done all my life, it does not in any way help me be ok with human touch.

 

[UnicornSightings]

Isn't erotic transference a sexual thing? I know no one believes me but I have no sexual desires for...

I believe you when you say it isn’t erotic transference. And honestly if my therapist told me to go “touch the dog” I’d be offended af so I get you. Here’s the thing, the relationship will only change as much as YOU let it. If you go in all weirded out then it’s gonna feel weird. If you go in thinking he is disgusted by you then you’re gonna look for evidence of that in every single thing he does or says. How do you want things to be? How do you want him to treat you and how do you want to treat him? Other than touch (since that’s off the table) what do you want? Do NOT focus on what you don’t want it to be like because you will only find proof of that and it will make you act a certain way. Be very clear of what you want to continue in your relationship. Write it down. Tell him. “Hey, I’m scared this is all weird now. Here’s how I’d like our relationship to stay:” and then just be ok with it feeling awkward for awhile while holding true to how you want to relate to him. Focusing on what makes you comfortable is gonna do way, way more than fearing what will be uncomfortable. You can work through this with your t. It will be ok.

 

[guest]

All I want from him is friendship. Also, how can one...

Have you thought about why you are pressing so hard for friendship? Do you think you'd be friends in the real world if you just met randomly? Friendship is based on mutuality. That doesn't exist in therapy. It's all about you.

What are your current therapy goals?

I think it's time you both had a very direct conversation about boundaries. For your own healing. You mentioned a "gray area" with boundaries. What do you think are boundary crossings that he has done?

 

[anonymous]

I think it's more important to focus on what'll help you than worry about the label of ptsd and whether or not you have it.

 

[Deleted member 42665]

Have you thought about why you are pressing so hard for friendship? Do you think you'd be friends in the real world if...

I do think we would for sure yes, we have tons in common and get along very well. He shares a ton about himself and we have talked casually often outside of session but that's all I'll say about grey area on a forum where I can't delete posts.

I'm not pressing for friendship, its just how things have always felt for me, and I thought after therapy, it would be a possibility.