Any Comments Really Appreciated X

[sleepingbeauty]

Thanks Eleanor, sounds like a plan. I hate the whole it's not you it's me thing so I think you're right it's better to be straight up. Thanks again for your advice x

 

[Hashi]

I'm so glad you've separated the internship issues from the relationship.

I completely agree with Eleanor. Unless you're direct and give the real reason for leaving then that opens up the possibility for confusion, offers to change things, false hopes and a messy break. It's actually kinder to give bad news in a straightforward way. You can be clear and honest, and still be tactful and sensitive.

You said in your first post that he's a bit weird, not very nice to you and you're scared about finishing with him because he is a bit unstable. Those are all red flags and, given you don't want to be in the relationship any more, they're strong reasons to follow through as soon as you can.

His reaction is his own responsibility (as long as you don't feel personally at risk). If you're seriously worried about his reaction for his own sake, bear in mind that the longer you're together that will only become a bigger issue, not a smaller one. Staying when you no longer want to be with him wouldn't benefit him at all. Whatever he might say, you're helping him more by addressing this now.

It's never nice to have to break up with someone, so you have my sympathy. It's better for both of you than staying for the wrong reasons, though.

 

[sleepingbeauty]

Thanks Hashi, I agree it is ever so hard, more so for me than being rejected by someone else although that is awfully hard too of course. Will let u all know how it goes as we are Skype-ing Tues eve x

 

[sleepingbeauty]

Heya I am pleased to say that it went okay, a clean break was definitely a good idea, he was quite patronising but he seems to have accepted it without too much fuss.

I don't really know why, but I then gave in after 6 months of being strong and phoned my mother. I have started feeling surreal again and really regret phoning her.

It is hard not having a mother I feel comfortable talking to as there are some things I don't feel I can discuss with my best friend (My father, PTSD and even relationships to an extent).

So I must say I am really grateful to have this forum and would like to thank you all again for your help on this thread :)

x

 

[Loner]

I take it your relationship with your mom isnt a very good one? I have mostly 'healed' from ptsd, but one big thing that remains is a gaping hole where love and support from my parents should be. Its really hard, that stuff is really important to people. I've dnoe a lot of work abut this but still catch myself hoping that maybe I'll find someone to care about me and believe in me like they should of, like if I ever date a girl someday maybe she will love and encourage and support me like they should of. I know that isn't a healthy thing to expect, but I just want it so bad, even still. Its a very unique kind of love and there is no replacement, no one will ever love you in that way besides your parents, and if they don't no one ever will. There are other kinds of love, sure, but they arent the same. You just gotta try and accept that, grieve for it, and do the best you can to move on.

Don't beat yourself up about calling her. It is very important to grieve for not having her though.

 

[Eleanor]

Well Done! Patronizing, huh? Nice guy.

Here is the two most important "relationship debriefing questions" :
1) In what respects that injured/helped you is he like your father?
2) What about him was most irritating? What is the congruous coping skill that you have, and what issue is it an adaptation to dealing with for both of you? So how do you need to grow?

I'm sorry your mom is a problem. Everybody needs a good mom. Could you look around and find someone to be a surrogate mom to you?

Good work beauty!

 

[sleepingbeauty]

Loner - What would u say are the similarity and differences between love from a parent and love from a partner? I want a guy that thinks I'm the most beautiful girl in the world but I am starting to wonder if that is a childish way of thinking. I thought that one of my ex-boyfriends was the most handsome man in the world so to me it doesn't seem unrealistic, although may be guys don't quite see things like that I don't know.

Eleanor - I am so pleased that I took your advice of ensuring that the breakup wasn't long and drawn out.

Well I guess he was kind of like my father, but more so my ex-boyfriend in that their sexual attraction to me was variable, often very low. I posted some photos of myself on a dating website purely to see if it was something physical and have come to the conclusion that it isn't, and my therapist also reassured me I am very pretty. My dad used to say I was beautiful however he also used to say things like I wish u were my girlfriend :eek: he never physically sexually abused me but I wonder if his covert feelings have affected me at all.

With regards to my mum, I'm 21 now and wondering if I should just accept that I missed out and move on, it is hard for me to know what sort of relationship most 21 year olds have with their mum?

x

 

[sleepingbeauty]

PS. Can u explain this question a bit more: 'What is the congruous coping skill that you have, and what issue is it an adaptation to dealing with for both of you? So how do you need to grow?'

 

[Loner]

Loner - What would u say are the similarity and differences between love from a parent and love from a partner? I want a guy that thinks I'm the most beautiful girl in the world but I am starting to wonder if that is a childish way of thinking. I thought that one of my ex-boyfriends was the most handsome man in the world so to me it doesn't seem unrealistic, although may be guys don't quite see things like that I don't know.


Well I guess he was kind of like my father, but more so my ex-boyfriend in that their sexual attraction to me was variable, often very low. I posted some photos of myself on a dating website purely to see if it was something physical and have come to the conclusion that it isn't, and my therapist also reassured me I am very pretty. My dad used to say I was beautiful however he also used to say things like I wish u were my girlfriend :eek: he never physically sexually abused me but I wonder if his covert feelings have affected me at all.

With regards to my mum, I'm 21 now and wondering if I should just accept that I missed out and move on, it is hard for me to know what sort of relationship most 21 year olds have with their mum?

x

Ok, I could write a short book on each of these paragraphs. Lets see if I can at least sum it up

The first one is probably easiest. A parent's love is supposed to be unconditional. They love you because you are their child. They encourage and support you and put your feelings ahead of their own. This is a very important thing, for many bad or mediocre parents, they have a hard time dealing with their own struggles and the emotional wellbeing of the child becomes less important than dealing with their own struggles, which is very damaging to the child. It is very important for young children to feel like the world, or at least their parents world, revolves around them. Parents should encourage thier kids when they get discouraged, love them even when they are being immature petty mean and bitter, accept them unconditionally, etc.

These are very very unhealthy things for other sorts of relationships. A romantic partner should just enjoy being around you, value the energy you bring into their life, and be attracted to you. Thats about it I think. Comforting in times of emotional turmoil is ok, and can make a relationship stronger, but that shouldnt be what a romantic relationship is built on. It should just be built on enjoying each others company and being attracted to each other. I sometimes hope for a 'savior' perhaps a woman who can comfort and encourage me, one who will be there for me and cheer me on, tell me I am good enough that that she believes in me and that I'm capable of meeting lifes challenges and encourage me to do so. The reality is that would be unhealthy, and that what I'm longing for is really the mother I never had, which is sad.

Also, the whole wanting a guy who thinks youre the most beautiful girl in the world thing, is kind of, no offense, vain and immature I think. Also, if any guy ever says that to you, you probably shouldn't trust him completely.



I dont even know where to start about the stuff with your father. My mother molested me. More than just molesting me though, she was just very, inappropriate. She flirted with me. It disgusted me, and confused me. Sounds like your father was similar.

I could go on and on about that, but I'm going to stop short and just say that I don't think youre ready for a romantic relationship yet. You sound like a smart positive woman and I am sure plenty of great guys will want to be with you in the future, but there are also a lot of immature and just plain bad guys out there. Right now, it seems like you have more questions than answers and I think you should get into therapy and be truly ok with being alone, that is able to be happy without anyone elses help, and then youll be ready to date.I hope it doesnt seem like I'm talking down to you, but the fact you have to ask the difference between a parent's and partner's love shows that perhaps you arent quite ready, and are trying to use the later to make you feel better about not having the former.

Also, you mentioned just accepting and moving on from not having parental love, well, its not that easy. Not having that causes a lot of grief and pain, and it is necessary to deal with that before you can move on. This is basically a lifelong process. You will get to the point where you perhaps don't think about it much, but there will be times when that pain haunts you as long as you live. Its inevitable. I hope that doesnt sound too dreary, I'm just saying you can move on, but some part of it will always be there.


I hope that helps.


Oh, VERY important, are you therapy at all? If not, you should look into it. It will help you if you find the right therapist, and theres nothing to feel ashamed about. I was resistant for a while thinking I was strong enough to not need it, but its not about that, its about that it will help you heal better and faster than on your own.

 

[sleepingbeauty]

Thank u Loner for such a comprehensive response. I agree that it is a lifelong process, and I think that for me, accepting that I will never fully 'get over it' with regards to my parents, is what will help me to move on. Learning to live with the pain I guess.

I think it is very diffcult to put your finger on exactly when you are ready for a relationship but I do agree with you that I am not currently ready to meet someone just yet. Also, I understand that my comment may have sounded vain and immature, but I think I may have used the wrong choice of words. I think part of the problem for me is that both of the boyfriends I have had have seemed to separate love from sex.

They would enjoy being seen with me on their arm etc. but I have caught them both looking at very erotic, what I personally consider slightly abusive, videos of girls and both said 'but these aren't the sort of girls I would want to date'. I think I just want to meet a guy that sees me as a whole image of beauty and accepts my flaws, and that views girls as people not objects.

Also, if any guy ever says that to you, you probably shouldn't trust him completely.

If you have time and can expand on this then please do so, thanks Loner.

x

PS. I have had two therapists in the past but I agree that it might be worth giving it another shot. I do find therapy awfully embarassing and uncomfortable though. I think I have treated both of my therapists like mothers which I don't really think is healthy either.

 

[Loner]

The vain and immature thing probably came off a bit harsh, its not an assessment of you as a person, its just an assessment of where you seem to be at right now. I don't mean vain as in narcissistic, I mean vain as in, sort of, you want to feel special and wanted, and you think him being attracted to you physically would make you feel that way.

The thing about trusting guys, I meant that, if a guy tells you you're the most beautiful girl in the world, you should remind yourself he might of said that to lots of girls before.

 

[sleepingbeauty]

That's okay I knew u were just referring to my comment, not to me as a person :hug:

I fully understand what u mean now and I agree. I think a lot of guys do use that sort of line, and that anyone who is full of flattery and almost preys on a person's desire to feel special is to be treated with caution.

I think my focus for this week is going to be trying to feel as special and wanted as is possible without an excessive need for attention from the opposite sex, or longing for parental validation.

x