Relationship Any Military Wives Out There?? I Need Advice I've Lost My Boyfriend To Ptsd

[Liv001]

Hello there,

I want to start by saying I have never posted a forum before. I am at my wits end. And I could really use some help or advice.

I have been dating my boyfriend for just over 2 years. He is in the Canadian military (air force) we have gone through a lot with each other. He was first deployed to Kuwait back in 2011 and came back normal, in fact he made it seem like it was like a vacation. Last December he approached me saying he was being deployed to Afghanistan, at first I was a little upset but I was willing to wait again. In march of this year (2013) he came home for his hlta? We went to Mexico and he seemed fine, happy and so caring and loving. After he went back we still spoke everyday and he told me everyday things were great and everything was fine. He returned July 2013. As soon as I picked him up from the airport...I knew. I could tell he wasn't really himself.

Within the first week I was joking around with him I grabbed his phone and jokingly ran with it, he yelled at me. It scared me and he didn't want to be anywhere near me after that. Fast forward a few weeks I started to notice a lot of changes, he started smoking,drinking everyday, being distant, and one day he had a panic attack in the amusement park we went to and we had to leave. Eventually he said he wanted to break up and see a doctor he didn't think it was fair for me to be dealing with his ptsd. The doctor told him what hes going through is normal and the best way for him to recover is invest all his time into his hobbies;hockey,fishing,hunting.

Also while he was in Afghanistan I had a miscarriage, I didn't tell him until he got home, when I told him he wasn't sad or happy...He had nothing to say. Or no comfort was given...

So here's where I'm struggling, we don't even speak anymore because he makes plans he cancels on me at the last minute usually for his hobbies. He said its hard to hang out with me because his emotions come out and he doesn't want to take it out on me. I feel like my boyfriend died in Afghanistan and came back a different person. I feel so in love with this guy, I felt like he was my soul mate. I am finding it nearly impossible to move on with my life. I feel angry like i am grieving for a love one being deceased when he is still alive. My friends don't understand and its next to impossible to get close to any guy.

How can I cope with this? Please give me some advice I am struggling to get through life everyday.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Hello Liv001,

I am sorry you are going through all that. It sounds difficult to deal with. I am sure someone, probably a fellow supporter like yourself will come along and can give you some good advice.

Also, I moved your thread as it was in the wrong forum. Please be aware of where you are posting.

Best wishes,

Ayesha

 

[Promicarus]

I've moved a previous post I made to a similar thread here, for you. I think it applies.

The fact that you've sought out others with PTSD to help you understand and help your boyfriend is a wonderful sign--it's good to know that there are people like you who are willing not only to be patient with the symptoms of PTSD, but want to help enough to investigate, rather than simply distancing yourself out of the personal inconvenience and discomfort those symptoms cause you, yourself.

Yes, it is common for those with PTSD to distance themselves when experiencing difficulties, especially difficulties with their PTSD related symptoms. I do the same-and most PTSD sufferers have that tendency, I think. It's actually one of the hallmark symptoms--isolation, and what is referred to as "numbing", in order to prevent feeling anything, as this feels safer than opening oneself up to feeling the rush of feelings associated with PTSD which threaten to overwhelm us: terror, helplessness, a sense of the world as an impossibly dangerous place that one needs safety from .

Harder to understand for those close to PTSD suffers is the fact that those with PTSD have an even greater tendency to distance themselves from those they are closest to--those who are close tend to be hurt, as you were, or even insulted--to see in terms of their loved one rejecting them, or not caring enough to overcome their symptoms, for their (the loved one's sake). It's hard to understand such feelings, and reactions, when, from your perspective, you only want to help.

But it's important to try to understand what it's like from the PTSD suffers perspective, so as not to be in danger of taking it personally: Think of it like someone not using their thumb at all after hitting it with a hammer. It's highly sensitive to any sensation, any sensation causes pain.

Which is why it's often easier for those with PTSD to interact with relative strangers, than with a loved one--which is often even harder for the loved one to accept, and seems even more as though the sufferer must be rejecting the loved one. "If he doesn't have problems interacting with others, why does he avoid me? That MUST mean he's rejecting me,specifically! If it were just his symptoms, he would be avoiding everyone!"

But this couldn't be farther from the truth. Think about it: Do you have to expose your feelings, to "get close" with relative strangers?
Of course not. They don't expect that depth of interaction. You can just interact with them on a casual, superficial basis.
But what do loved ones expect? They expect something deeper, or they feel insulted that they're not getting it--they experience that as rejection, as "pulling away". It's no surprise that a sufferer would prefer to not be around the loved one at all, and be honest about it being due to his/her symptoms--rather than have to hold the loved one at a distance while interacting with them...something which the loved one is bound to misinterpret as rejection--as the sufferer "pulling away", or "not having the same feelings anymore".

It's most important to understand that PTSD is not something that can "Just be controlled if they really wanted to". It's literally a brain condition, just as though they had a tumor, or suffered a head injury. People wouldn't expect someone like that to just be able to get over their symptoms "if they wanted to badly enough". And the same is true with PTSD.

Only the problems are taken personally by loved ones, as they have to do with feelings and quality of interactions, and with things like hypervigilence, which makes it difficult to go out into the world at all, or interact even with complete strangers, often.
But it's all too easy for the loved one to think "they must just be too weak to "stand up and face their fears like a man", or they're
"frightened of the world", a sign of someone who's immature and avoids challenges, when it's seen in the average person.

But as the sufferer doesn't have an x-ray that shows his brain-tumor, or wear a bandage on his head, as someone with a head-injury would--the loved one is understandably confused by the sufferer's behavior--because as you so insightfully put it-you don't have any frame of reference for it. It's impossible to really get your head around. And it's all too easy when in such a situation to blame the individual for not "having more control".

I'm so glad you've sought out information to help you help him. He's very very fortunate to have someone like you in his life, and I'm so glad that another sufferer has found someone as caring, and dedicated, as well as insightful enough to realize that, as you put it, you haven't had much of any traumatic experiences at your age, much less experiences like those responsible for PTSD.

In my opinion, the best thing you can do to help him is not "take it personally"--to "give him some space" when he needs it, as in this past month. I know it's hard, and you miss him. But being around someone whose PTSD symptoms is actually more likely to ruin a relationship in a lot of ways--as I mentioned, it's almost impossible not to take them personally when you're there, and they seem directed at you. But it's hard for the sufferer, as well, to know that they've not only reacted in ways they regret to someone they honestly love--and men especially, to have the sense of pride they need to retain self-respect--when someone they love (especially a girlfriend/spouse) has seen them at their weakest. It's even harder to hold your head up after that (probably even moreso for your boyfriend, with his Marine Corps background).

A great book to read to learn the potential severity, and approaches to PTSD is "Trauma and Recovery", by Judith Herman M.D.
I know it's difficult being with someone who has PTSD, from personal experience. Remember that the worst, most unrealistic, and harmful thing you can do is take it personally--harmful both for you and for him, as well--and that even though the wounds can't be seen on an x-ray, or by a head bandage, they're just as real, just as physical (relating to neurophysiology), and just as important to seek treatment for.

Because there is treatment, and where there is treatment, there is always hope. There are a number of trauma-related therapies: EMDR, Harm Reduction therapy, exposure therapy, Dialectic Behavior Therapy (DBT), and others. And even though you miss him, understandably, among the best things you can do are understanding that he has a real injury that isn't his fault, and not taking it personally when he tells you that his symptoms are "acting up", remaining supportive, and encouraging him to seek therapy, as well as reading about PTSD yourself.

So glad he found you, and glad you're helping him help himself. There are probably support groups for loved ones of those with PTSD, where you might be able to get even better information for your specific situation and feelings, as well as support from others in the same situation during times of stress and confusion.

Best wishes, and welcome to the forum. Hopefully you'll find information, insight, support and resonance. Please see the supporters forum, as well, for support more specific to you, personally.

 

[nursenurse]

On the other hand, you have to learn whether or not you are chasing a dream. Your guy needs to find things out on his own. That may mean the end of the relationship, or it may not. If he is not in therapy, he should be. In the meantime, as hard as it is, you need to make your own life. Work. Go out with the girls. Travel. Don't let anyone be so responsible for your happiness that you are unable to achieve it on your own. He may come back, when he is ready, if he wants to. It is perfectly natural to grieve. What once was has changed. Don't be angry because of your sadness. I don't know how long it has been since you saw him last. But time will work its magic.

 

[LilBit]

I am so sorry for what you are going through. I truly understand what it is like to grieve for someone who isn't dead, they just aren't present with you. And you want them to be, want things to be different. As others have said, if your sufferer has any tells whatsoever that tell you he needs space, please pay attention. Many with ptsd don't actually seem to verbalize in a clear manner that they just need you to give them time, silence, space without emotion pushing/pulling at them whether good or bad. I think it might have made somewhat of a difference if I had only learned that sooner.

 

[Promicarus]

You're right--most definitely-people with PTSD have a hard time telling those who love them to just leave them be because of they're need for it due to their PTSD symptoms. It's so hard to find a way to say "just leave me alone, please" that isn't take either as rejection (most often) or weakness by our loved ones. The reflexive reaction seems to be that of anyone at rejection--an "o.k., fine, if that's theIT's way you feel, take all the time in the world, then, see how you like it" kind of response. Be very gentle, and make sure that it's clear that it's a matter of your own personal needs, and the attitude seems to very often be "well, this is just normal stuff, you should expect it, and if you can't deal with it, then what kind of person do you call yourself?"

So I'm glad for this forum and other support groups where loved ones can get a point of view from others who've been at it a long time, and done lots of reading/researching themselves. It seems easier to hear such people, after all, as when it's coming from the sufferer themselves, it seems the first instinct is to either take it personally as rejection, or reject it as a sign of just not trying hard enough-or both.

I'm encouraged by the fact that PTSD is finally becoming more well known, if only slightly. There's lots of statements by PTSD research/study professionals to the effect that even the science world at large seems to refuse to take trauma up as a long-term undertaking of study, with the same continuity and objectivity lent to any other subject by science. Guess that goes to show you: if even the scientists-those who are supposed to be professionals at clinical detachment and objectivity, have such a problem looking at that kind of complicated ugliness straight on, for any length of time, we can't really expect the rest of humanity to have much stomach for it.

It's almost like living in separate worlds. It is living in separate worlds--that's one of the central issues of PTSD, after all, the sufferer's brain telling them that they're living in a fundamentally threatening environment. Who want's to join us there? Who want's to acknowledge that as a reality...especially when to do so seems to the average person like "reinforcing that belief system", and feeding into it, and so not doing the sufferer any good? All too often the sufferer knows that on a gut level--that's why they stop trying to explain, or involve others in it...How can we "make others understand", if doing so involves their getting an idea of how horrible the world can look to us....and how are we supposed to feel "better" for having successfully communicated that to someone else--and so being responsible for THEM feeling bad, as well?

It's a double-bind: stay misunderstood, suffer rejection yourself...as weak or "crazy"...or really get informed and prepared enough so that you can "break through to others" about just what it's like...resulting in their being horrified and disillusioned.

Sometimes I think there should be a "trauma world", or country, where only those of our frame of reference should be allowed to live, and where others are only allowed highly conditional guest visas--where we can live and interact only with others who understand, in order to avoid being retraumatized by rejection.

 

[Badger]

Promicarus, not everyone who does not have PTSD is rejective or afraid of trauma. It doesnt mean we suffer with you, or you "hurt" us either. Or that we reject you because of it. I have worked with traumatized teenagers and young adults one way or another, for nearly 20 years now. I see it an unfortunate side effect of the violent world we live in. Someone has to gift you with a view of what it feels like when it feels "right" Just as you show us the horror and disillusionment, it is the job of the supporter to show you consistency, and understanding. Some of us can see there are bad things in the world and terrible things can happen to people with out becomiing afraid or traumatized ourselves. We can simultaneously share the experience of your trauma and still hold a belief in humanity as basically good. We can still have our faith. I know you don't believe that, but it is true.

 

[Promicarus]

You're absolutely right. And thanks for reminding me of that.

I didn't mean my post as a diatribe against "all of the others" out there. But I realize now that that's how it could have been taken.

If anything, I was only trying to make a statement about how difficult it is to understand PTSD for someone who doesn't have it, unless they really invest in doing so, and make a concerted effort. And what it feels like to be on the receiving end when others don't.

But if it came across as an indulgent, accusatory "victim's rant", then I apologize. I didn't mean it that way, and I certainly didn't intend to suggest that just because you don't suffer from PTSD it's impossible to successfully support, or be a part of a sufferer's life.

 

[Bluerose]

Ex-military wife here. Unfortunately everything you described fits ordinary life as well as military life for some people. From a military stand point it’s more to do with what they don’t or can’t talk about. And on top of that they have trouble accepting help - it’s a sign of weakness.

On a personal note, it’s a tough life. We both had our own difficulties and problems, on top of that there is the other stuff life chucks at you like the loss of parents, sick grandchildren and the rest. I sought help for us and was told I had to be patient. The long and the short of it was that we helped each other until we couldn’t anymore. We completely exhausted ourselves and the marriage fell apart. Thankfully we are still friends accepting of the whole situation and the fact that most of it was beyond our control.

I wish you well and would encourage you to give him some time to process his situation. If you have it in you, be kindness itself. Encourage him to talk to you about anything he feels comfortable discussing. And avoid probing or demanding answers. Small acts of kindness are remembered more than words spoken.

As for my ex, when I was struggling, it‘s his kindness that I remember most.

Very best wishes.