Childhood Any Pastor's Kids Out There?

[samson]

Hi. I'm wondering if there is anyone out there that grew up in a Pastor's home and experienced trauma? Not necessarily sexual trauma, but living in a fishbowl, feeling unloved trauma?

 

[open eyes]

I did not grow up in a pastor's home but I was sexually abused by my devout Catholic neighbors.

Can you explain what your trauma was?

 

[samson]

My trauma relates specifically to being raised in a pastor's home where little to no consideration was given to your feelings. Expectations were relentless and I was caught in the middle of several traumatic events at the church when members would be angry with my father and the threat of being fired and having to move loomed over our heads frequently. In addition to that, it felt like I was unloved. It's hard to explain if you haven't been in that environment. I was never sexually abused in the church, but was other places and times. I've been in therapy for almost two years now for treatment on those events and now we are down to these memories and events. I work full time as an assistant at a church now, so the triggers are easy to find. I know I am safe here, but until I can process out the old stuff the triggers will continue.

 

[RegalRecluse]

Hey, I'm also a PK and I've got anxiety and depression and I think PTSD to some degree. I've heard of it happening a lot to Pastor's kids or people whose parents are very involved in church. It's quite an unsafe environment when you're close to the heart of it (fights, gossip, schisms, etc.), not to mention the fishbowl feeling that comes with it. Everyone thinks your life is their business. My mom's friend was in a doctorate for psychology class and there was a whole chapter about neurological issues that pastor's kids often have because of the environment.

 

[RussH]

I have a different perspective on this: I worked as a pastor of a small church while my kids were growing up. Fortunately, the church was a loving church, and my kids were not subjected to some of the things that you have faced, but there were still expectations placed on them that would not be placed on other kids, and I know that was a challenge to the kids.

There is one time though that my daughter brings up from time to time. I was serving as an associate pastor at a church, and was speaking from the pulpit when one of the ladies in the church started to verbally assault me from the congregation. She criticized me, and my parenting abilities right in front of the church, and especially in front of my kids. It really affected my daughter. So being a pastor's kid is hard, and living in fishbowl is really hard, and the church needs to be reminded that the pastor's kids are still just kids, and will do what kids do.

For the record: My kids are all adults. They have never had a drug problem, an alcohol problem. They are all active in their church, and involved in ministry. Two of the three are married and have children of their own, and are doing well. The third is not yet married, but is working as a 911 operator and using the extra money she makes to travel and enjoy herself.

 

[a3a2]

Pastor's wife here. Husband is a pk. He has had the same fishbowl experience, but my kids seem not....possibly because they are by nature quite reserved. I also guard their time, never expecting them to do something just because they are pk.s. I have to fight my hubby on this sometimes. I do encourage them to find their niche in the church....

 

[a3a2]

And I do sympathize with you....it was quite hard on my husband and his siblings.

 

[Vulnerasti Cor]

My father was a Lutheran minister when I was very young, then became a probation and parole officer (church and state). He was also an aggressive sociopath, abusive on every level. Sounds like you may be talking more about "religious abuse," which is a real thing? My own personal experience during my over half century of life is that there's a HIGH correlation between extreme religiosity and various types of abuse.

 

[samson]

It's nice to see a conversation about this. My situation was more complicated than most. I have met completely healthy pastors families. It's not easy to be a pastor and raise children. When I wrote that post I was processing through some very traumatic memories in therapy. As an adult I have lived with a constant fear of getting in trouble. When I was growing up I was made to apologize for things that clearly were not my fault. The balance of "power" in the churches my dad pastored was way out of balance. At the time it seemed to be just the way it was and there was nothing I could do about it. But when you find yourself afraid to go to work because you fear failure - it's a problem. As I said, the church I work at now is a safe environment and I am leaning to rewrite the old scripts that tell me I'm wrong about everything. Progress is slow, but I'm healing. I don't mean to speak ill of my parents. They did the only thing they knew how to do, but that can't erase my feelings and the damage that was done. Adding to the equation was my father's chronic heart disease and my mom's depression. All things that you don't see or understand when you are a kid.