Relationship Any positive results after isolation???

[Freida]

@Freida my vet and I have rules too, and that's why his isolation periods work in...

I'm so happy to hear it works in your relationship too! I mean, he's always said he's ok with it, but i sometimes wonder if he's just saying that to not make me feel guilty. It is so good to hear from someone on the supporters side that it really is ok

 

[Freida]

@EveHarrington I am so sorry. I tried that whole hold it in thing with some family members and...well..it didn't go well. I could never make them understand it wasn't about them. Eventually I just ghosted because I knew I was going to lose it.

Would they be willing to meet with a counselor who could maybe help explain why isolation is so important?

 

[Sweetpea76]

Yep... the scary part is the uncertainty. Does he not love me any more? Did he just dump me? Is he dead in a ditch/arrested/at a whorehouse etc?

Take away the uncertainty and it's all good. I know he needs it for his sanity. Usually he's been pretty symptomatic before he goes and I'm ready for a wee break myself. I do stuff he hates while he's gone... shopping, amusement parks, concerts, noise, crowds, girls nights etc.

I consider giving him space a loving act.

 

[Freida]

Usually he's been pretty symptomatic before he goes and I'm ready for a wee break myself.

Yea...these days he knows it's coming before I do!:roflmao:

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Does anyone have a positive result after isolation? Has anyone's SO come out of the isolation with a positive result?

What do you mean as "positive result"?

I read this over and over and then went over my life over and over and ended up with the same comclusion, that I'd need clarification by what you mean. Can positive stuff come from isolation? Sure. But it may not be the same as what you are thinking. Depends on what you are thinking I suppose.

As i've read through others experiences i see that most either end in break up or the posting stops all together.

I'm confused on why you don't feel this is a break up and is "only isolation".

 

[Buttercup]

Oh man, that is what I'm trying to get to...some rules and some compromise because I completely get his need to isolate, but it's always out of nowhere and so harsh that in the moment, I forget all about this stuff. If I could have some rules or boundaries or whatever, I really think things would be much better.

 

[Freida]

@Buttercup A suggestion for you to start?

Pick just one thing that is most important to you. What one thing would make you calmer or reassured when he isolates. Write it out
Be specific and keep it simple! Don't expect him to fill in the blanks or think that he knows how you feel because when I'm in that space I don't even register what other people feel.

for example: I didn't realize that hubby was worried when I took off. Seriously. It never crossed my mind. I knew where I was and what I was doing. Why in the world would he be worried about me? Remember - isolation is usually survival mode. There are little to no brain cells left to think about other people

So one day, when we were both relaxed and in a good place, our conversation went kind of like this...

Him: "hey, I worry when you take off. Will you call or text me once each day so I know you are ok next time you need to run?"
I'm not asking you to change what you do. I'm just asking you to adapt a small part of it to include me
Me: "yes, but if I don't want to talk are you going to nag me and make me feel guilty?"
leave me alone asshole! I need to run!
Him: "No. I just want to know you are safe. Think of it as a check in."
I worry when you take off. I want to know you are OK. I'm not going to give you a bunch of crap for not sticking around and letting me help you because I know I cant
Me: (totally confused) "uhmm.. OK."
Well that's weird. I wonder why he wants me to call him? But, I can try - at least until he puts me on a guilt trip. then I can hang up and make him admit this check in thing is just a way to control me.

Nothing more. Just that. Ok - that's easy. I can do that. And yes - there were a couple times that I forgot. That was hard on him because he wanted to be mad that I blew him off. But I didn't, I just forgot. Eventually we got into a pattern. Then we could add "tell me before you bail so I know you are leaving" It was a long process to get those rules set and they HAD to be simple enough for me to remember in the moment. And it had to be something we did as a team.

I cannot imagine what it must be like on your side of the fence. So I hope this helps even a little.....

 

[Buttercup]

@Freida that helps so much even if it still sounds like a big process full of trial and error.

This

Me: "yes, but if I don't want to talk are you going to nag me and make me feel guilty?

When I have tried to come up with some sort of solution like this, he is very skeptical and thinks I can't do it or will get upset no matter what. So I will try to say something like your hubby said and see if that works. Or if it can be at least a start to something that can work for both of us.

Thank you so much for this practical and concrete example! Guess I need things spelled out simply too. :rolleyes:

 

[Freida]

You are very welcome!!! I hope it helps!

 

[Cyberluddite]

Dammit.

I'm not permitted isolation time.

I know I'm going to crack/explode one of these days...

I don't get a lot of isolation time either, so I try to find ways to leverage the time I do have. My gardening skills regularly turn our 2nd story patio balcony into a jungle, and my cooking/baking skills can practically make an Italian grandmother weep tears of joy.

It's how I don't crack or explode, because what others think is me doing something is really me having my isolation time (via mindfulness).

 

[Deleted member 37474]

You can decide if you'll tolerate isolation in a relationship and how long you're willing to deal wi...

I am so happy that you wrote this. I have ptsd, but also have friendships with people with ptsd and have found that there is only so much that I can tolerate before my own well-being is at risk. It is not easy to support someone with ptsd and if you are working it out and protecting your needs as well, I admire you!

 

[Sweetpea76]

Boundaries are key for both parties. As much as the supporter has to respect the sufferer's boundaries, the sufferer has to respect the supporter's as well.

My vet and I have the isolation thing down to a tee. Some other issues, not so much. Do I wish he didn't isolate? Hell yes. I miss him when he does. Do I understand why he does it? Yes, I do.