I hear you, and agree totally. I often walk away from minor issues because I know where it will lead.Yep, it's called an adrenaline crash. I spent a long time studying the mechanisms of violence and aggression to address the tendency in myself to go completely berserk at the slightest provocation. I was trained to be as brutal and cruel as possible as a child, and I've suffered responses akin to "killing rage" as an adult. It does not end well, it never does. Peace is the only option for a viable life. So I focused on mitigating those impulses and even isolating myself from others to ensure I don't harm them.
Unfortunately, living in a society means that external forces do dictate the rules. No one person is so powerful that they can act with complete impunity. At a certain point, this mentality taken to its extreme will land you in prison or worse. As you have noted, your reactions have cost you significantly in terms of your interpersonal relationships.
There are many moments in my life that I returned insults with broken bones, and I regret it. Eventually I had cultivated a reputation as someone frightening and abusive, and that is when I realized that what I initially perceived as "power" on my end, was really weakness - a representation of a fragile ego. It is easy to throw a punch. It is easy to make people afraid of you via ordinary application of force. And fear isn't respect. It's just fear.
It's a lot harder to use your words. To compromise, to negotiate, and to walk away.
I don’t walk around looking for problems and definitely try to avoid them. Thankfully I manage to control myself but it is exhausting doing it.
I dont regret any of the major incidents I’ve been involved in, I’ve only ever had issues with people who’ve bought it on themselves due to their own pursuit of their desires by any means necessary.
People are greedy, selfish and they try to take more than they should. So they get what they deserve. And if I was to exhibit the same greed and selfishness as them then I too would deserve to get taught a lesson. I 100% believe in that and I always account myself and my actions.
I live by a code and I expect my circle to live by the same code. Be it my kids, friends, business partners..
Thanks for sharing your experience. I will check out this polyvagal theory.I got bacterial meningitis of my brain from chronic sinusitis craniotomy done to remove access left temporal lobe. Was in medically induced coma on a vent septic multi organ failure may 2014. I had to re learn everything plus new stuff. I had therapy. I learned about personality disorders codependency etc. I have learned that some people cannot have access to me especially now in the current volatile political situation. I had to learn people can and do manipulate others have no boundaries and I learned that these individuals can read weaknesses in others and I could be a " target". I have a seizure risk from the surgery. I have had several EEGs Now they show no seizure activity. I have had anger issues too. The polyvagal theory helps me. My husband is a veteran has been in war zones. I see from your posts and others he has similar traits. I am back in therapy and back on this site to get more help in regards to all this. Thank you for your posts.