Even though I feel this way, it is so saddening to hear of how many others do too. I just have to say that suicide attempts is very impulsive for the majority of people. Some plan it out for a while, but many do it within hours or even minutes of the thought. I know because one day I woke up and could not deal with the SI anymore, and knew this was the day. I failed. The consequences are not pretty.
One thing all suicide victims have in common is mental illness-depresseion, bi polar, and ptsd are at the top. I agree with Anthony, most can overcome. One aspect of all these illnesses is that we often try to self medicate, and the medication (often alcohol), is a depressant. It takes about 6 months to actually be abstinant before the brain begins to return. It is normal for people to attempt to self medicate, but it will interfere with our recovery. I use alcohol moderately but know that it would be much better if I abstained completely.
I know that I a a serene lifestyle.m not doing everything I should be doing and know to do to overcome these thoughts. None of us are alone in this. When our stress cup is already full or we are already depressed, one little thing can cause us to feel SI. It doesnt take much to put us over the top and think of SI. I am not minimizing this-it feels like my life is a mess and I cant see how to change that at this time. I feel like I am digging myself deeper in a hole. Yet what I really want is for my life to be different. I want to be part of something bigger, part of my loved ones life. I guess I have discovered that my thoughts are a fantasy of escape at this point, as I have no intent.
I have fought these feelings for a long time now. I am trying to just accept them now, knowing the thoughts will pass and they will also return again. While we may not all be equal (quality of life wise), each life is as important as the others. I guess I have lost fear of death as well. I know that feeling like a burden is a very high risk factor in suicide attempts.
We all need a safety net. Someone to call, even if its a hotline. They are there because they care, and many who counsel have been affected by a suicide. We can remember that we can put this off until tomorrow, and tomorrow it may not be as bad.
When I was happy, it seemed to make those around me very sad and insecure. They seemed to think I had the strenght of the world and they could dish out and abuse. I think I fear being happy again, as if that happened, others would be there with their foot on my neck, and Im afraid to have happiness taken away from me.
I do not have strong faith but think that would be helpful. Yet all of you are in my thoughts, and in my prayers-as much as possible for me. Please hold on and and trust that it will get better wit much work, and that those thoughts do pass, even though they return. I appreciate that they are not permanent. Depression is anger turned inward-maybe its time to turn it outward and give it back to those it belongs to. We can do this by writing letters that we never send. We can critique them. I read an affirmation everyday about forgiving myself. That is what I need at the moment
As i work toward a serene lifestyle, I need to be able to make amends,not only to other people but to myself. I need to forgive myself for all the harm I have done to me. I am important and I deserve peace within my spirit. Forgiveness assists that peace to evolve. Acceptance of my mistakes is crucial to my recovery. Today I will take the time to meditate, to thoughtfully forgive and bless myself. I will start fresh and enter the day a little lighter, a little more serene. I will remove from my vocabulary the "if only's". I will replace them with the works that "I did the best I could at that time. I will forgive myself daily to open the doors of a stronger connection with my Higher Power and a serene lifestyle.
I know this affirmation is not for everyone as we all have different circumstance. For me though, a bit of a control person, I constantly question what I could have done to keep myself safe. If I could find the answer, then I would have hope that I could do things different in the future. There is not answer. It was out of my power. I irrationally blame myself for what has happened to me-that gives me a false sense of control, yet there is not answer as I had no control of another behavior. Therefore, I have to forgive myself. Only when I can accept that will I be able to feel safe again in this world. Control is an illusion. We are all vulnerable. What has happened to us can happen to anyone. For me, the answer lies in my ability to accept that I had not control, and forgive myself for that.
Further, after the abuse, I took over as my own abuser. I have punished myself more than the actual abuser did. Then I feel guilt. I react on that guilt by more destructive behavior. The process goes on. For me-I think it is self forgiveness. Letting go is very difficult, but I do think it is possible.
