Anyone ever want to cause trouble just because?

[Ecu]

Thanks for all of the input everyone.

 

[Ecu]

So. I told my T today and she was shocked that I had anger issues.

See. Mild, mannered soul shocks T with announcement of anger issues.

 

[Ezeho]

Shocked as in beyond her ability to process or shocked as in happy you trust her enough to let her know this layer exists?

 

[Ecu]

Shocked as in she never expected to hear me say that I had a boiling rage simmering in the background of my life.

I received a couple of assignments from the T: writing about rage and doing something with creative arts.

 

[Awez]

After having decades of other people leaving behind their rageful baggage for me to have to clean up after, carry around, and try to finally unload, I have absolutely no desire to lay mine on someone else purposefully just to stir up their emotions and create discomfort. What we send out always comes back in some manner.

 

[Ecu]

I have absolutely no desire to lay mine on someone else purposefully just to stir up their emotions and create discomfort.

That's a given for me. And it's not that simple for me as well. I've got this boiling rage just under the surface.

Let me make this clearer. I didn't lash out at an individual. It was an organization who I have a love/hate relationship with. They're doing abusive, controlling things to people. Abuse of power. I've definitely got issues with abuse of power.

 

[Cupot]

I'm not usually like this and it bothers me. I'm the mild mannered, gentle soul.

Yet for the past several months I've wan...

The fact that these feelings are disturbing you indicates that you're still a good person. I've discussed this very thing with my T and she said that everyone gets these feelings, but how we act (or do not act) on them determines if those feelings are a defect in character. Unfortunately, her input did not stop anger from creeping up on me now and again, but I did find it easier to forgive myself for being angry because of what she told me.
I view these feelings as an overflow in our "anger bucket." We wouldn't be here, wouldn't have PTSD, if something big and disturbing had not happened to us, so in my opinion, we all have an established baseline of anger because of past events, but it's up to us to find a legitimate way to rid ourselves of current excessive anger without hurting others or ourselves.

 

[Nimog]

I often think of ways to vent my anger with using the dark side of myself. 90% of the time it is thinking. Ever once in a while I do something that I call "get even time" that comes from the dark side. I fight it as I know it is not nice but it goes along with the anger bucket. I have said something to one of my old T's an they said it comes from my holding my emotions and anger in all time. That I should not do that but the ways she wanted me to change did not work then I moved an never said anything to the other T's I have went thru at the VA.

 

[Ecu]

I view these feelings as an overflow in our "anger bucket."

I can see that for myself. Though I think about the assignment to write about the "anger bucket" and I do not have a specific picture of that. Where does it come from?

T asked me if stress sets me off. Yes. And it's the little things too. That's what gets me more riled up than anything else.

And I was thinking about routine. I used to be seat of pants with everything I did. Then I found routine helped calm me. So I found routines for simple everyday things, i.e.; shit, shave, shower, shampoo, and shine. If one thing knocks that routine out though, it all goes to hell in a handbasket.:poop::devilish::arghh;

 

[Ecu]

On my assignment to write and draw I discovered it is not anger like I thought. It is irritation.

For my artwork I found the perfect picture of what my irritation feels like; a seismograph of earthquakes. It's the little things which cause the irritation though. So odd. Maybe that's why I need the routine so much because than that takes the little things out of the picture. I've got a steady routine which I can follow.

Right now there are big quakes and little quakes in my life.