Anyone Have Trouble Squaring Their Functionality And How Bad They Feel?

[rightkindofme]

If you have to cut your body to deal with your life, things are not ok. That's how I look at things. Doesn't matter if other people want you to stay-the-self-destructive-course.

If you have to abuse yourself to do what people want... that's not ok.

 

[maelstrom]

To go off on what rightkindofme said--I actually had the same problem with self harming. I don't do it now, but I have been doing it for years, and I think it's actually related to the inability to show your pain. For example, when I used to cut myself, I did it partly to convince myself that something really was not okay--I played the happy-go-lucky so well that I was terribly confused sometimes, because I felt so much pain but I could not even cry in front of people, so I had to hurt my body every day to balance it out. It sounds stupid, and it probably was, but just so you know, theshadowoftheliving, you are not alone and it actually makes a lot of sense. This is not to say it's okay though!! You should never have to hurt yourself.

 

[Knak]

Or maybe we need to accept our utter selfishness in pretending we are in need when we aren't. Grow up a bit, and let the professionals get on with helping the people who actually are in need. Maybe we need to stop running round shouting ME, ME, ME pay attention to me and take responsibility for our own lives instead of expecting others to do it.

This was out of the blue and if you are being sarcastic please say so because some of us are so sensitive to being blamed it adds to the pile of rejection that is killing us.
If you are sincere, I don't see how it fits.

 

[Sideways]

@Knak
S'ok - @Sandstone elaborated in further posts.

For what it's worth, the message I was receiving from the cumulative posts was just that it's sometimes hard to square your emotions with the pressure we seem to get from the world to put others' needs first. I was always reminded as a kid that there were "always people worse off", and sometimes that can give you the guilt trip about wanting people to be more helpful or understanding. It can make you feel like you're being selfish, even though there's nothing selfish about it at all.

Sometimes I read posts and think, "oh my god, that makes what I'm doing to cope sound really selfish/awful/etc". But from all of the posts read together, I don't think that's the intended message at all this time.

But you're right, having to walk around with ptsd, already with no self confidence, all sorts of things can suddenly hit you like a tidal wave. Whatever the real meaning, big hugs from me if you'll accept them, double time if you're feeling fragile at the moment:hug:

 

[Knak]

For decades the dozens of therapists/psychologists/psychiatrists/hospitalizations/medications never helped. I could never cry or know if I what I said was to get sympathy or if I blew it up to something it wasn't or if it was my fault that I couldn't just let it roll off my back. I continued to be depressed and paranoid and put people in my life who hurt me more.

I read on an anxiety forum some people say how EMDR was so intense and helpful so I looked for that. You work on one issue at a time, however small in comparison to the big picture, and I continually cried each session and was embarrassed when I left for others to see me, just like when I was ten years old.

Then at home I began to feel terrible unresolvable emotional pain that drove me up the wall, triggered by rejection but not attached to any thoughts or feelings that seemed devastating enough to merit the intensity of the pain. I drove myself crazy trying to figure out what caused it so I could resolve it. This would happen periodically for months. Thank God I got through it because it was torture.

I have been in EMDR for 7 years or so and still have memories that cause me to cry uncontrollably in session. Finally I now cry very easily away from therapy just thinking about the pain, which I think is appropriate and healthy. Now I can talk about the abuse to people very matter-of-factly. I don't even think about or care how it comes across to others. I am not looking for feedback from them, just telling my story.

I still have a lot more to deal with (for the rest of my life). Talk therapy makes me feel out of control and self destructive so I have to stick to EMDR to resolve it. I am grateful I have a therapist I trust and she is sensitive and sticks to the methodology so it's not obscure.

I cannot stand therapists who think they are better than you because they think they are helping you when they really have no clue about what is going on. And to take your money for that is a crime.

 

[Sandstone]

if you are being sarcastic please say so because some of us are so sensitive to being blamed

T says that others, including MH professionals hold up a blank mirror to me, they don't reflect back the distress I'm experiencing, even when I tell them about it.
I suspect it is because, in order to speak, the emotions have to be packed up somewhere else, so they see someone saying one thing and appearing another,

I'm struggling with problem this thread is about too. I said so in my first post. I'm increasingly thinking that it must be all my fault, and attaching that blame to myself. I've posted about it elsewhere, because this isn't my thread.

 

[RussH]

Sucks, doesn't it. First we learned to be invisible

This is interesting because it is so very true. However, in my case, I unconsciously chose to hide in plain sight.

I was in the eighth grade when I finally broke from my trauma, and then it was in front of my entire class. I remember making the decision that they treated me bad because they did not like me. So, I decided to become this outgoing person that they would like, and it worked, sort of.
I was hiding the real me inside, and becoming invisible so they would see the persona they would accept.
I think because of this choice, I have remained highly functional on the outside, but on the inside- that is a different story.

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

@Sandstone No worries at all. I understand now and I just misread it - sometimes I find myself in super emotional places where I react as if I'm being attacked, and I think that was what was happening. I'm not upset at all - we good?

It feels to me as though you would like someone external, in a caring role, to intervene and tell you it is time to stop working and admit you can't cope right now. How would you respond if someone said that to you?

I hate to admit that you're right here, but I think you are. But, I think that if I was actually given this opportunity, I would panic and back pedal ... at least that is what I did earlier in the fall when my therapist suggested inpatient. This is my history. I want it, but I cab't accept the help when it is offered. I need to work on asking and accepting - I know this. It's just really hard sometimes to put into action.

For example, when I used to cut myself, I did it partly to convince myself that something really was not okay--I played the happy-go-lucky so well that I was terribly confused sometimes, because I felt so much pain but I could not even cry in front of people, so I had to hurt my body every day to balance it out.

Unfortunately, I relate to this. I think my actions are often aimed at legitimizing my pain, because no one else ever did. Such a problem, though, because the resulting actions just keep me stuck and then I don't know how to get out of the stuckness. Then it just cycles. I'm trying to figure out how to stop this.

 

[Sandstone]

Thanks for being so generous and understanding.

Have you got a plan for how to move forward with this. Will you feel able to discuss it with your therapist?

 

[Knak]

@Knak
S'ok - @Sandstone elaborated in further posts.

For w...

Thanks

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

@Sandstone No plan yet, but not for a lack of thinking. Stay tuned. Im still confused, but trying to sort through this ....