Anyone Have Trouble Squaring Their Functionality And How Bad They Feel?

[theshadowoftheliving]

Sorry, sorry everyone. I didn't mean to imply anything negative about anyone. I'm feeling really confused right now (just a jumbled interior state, self-harming thing) so I'll come back to this when I can process things a little clearer and write out some thoughts. I didn't mean to be mean or to upset anyone at all. I guess I'm just not sure about what any of me thinks.

 

[Klo]

Usually by the time I am going in to see a professional, I haven't showered in weeks, don't leave the house, have crazy anxiety, not sleeping very well, etc.. But on the day of the appointment, it's like my brain recognizes that I'm about to have interaction with strangers in public, so I go into an automated mode. I take a shower, as I don't want to be subjected to nasty looks for how I smell. I get to the appointment, and I start to depersonalize, disassociate just a little, go numb. In the appointment then I present as having adequate self-care (clean, dressed, etc) and able to talk in a very flat, matter of fact fashion (which they see as no anxiety, rather than as so much anxiety my emotional fuse has blown). So even when I am not very high-functioning, I still come across as being "fine".

When I am higher functioning, it is more a feeling of going through the motions of daily life and appearing fairly normal, but having a great deal of dark, terrible energy inside of me that others can't see or sense, feeling like I could snap at the smallest thing. Trying to explain that to a professional without sounding like you're implying threats of violence is difficult to navigate. I often leave out the whole truth because I don't want to sound like a serial killer in the making or something.

I think good psych professionals should know how to ask the right questions to help out a bit. Would be nice.

 

[Knak]

Anyone else have trouble squaring their level of functioning with how they feel?

I'm real...

The only therapy that helps me is EMDR that is regimented and thorough and longterm to the end of each problem. It got me to cry every session for years! My therapist is very compassionate but if I only talk without EMDR it does no good and gives her the opportunity to make light of or question my motive (Not helpful).

 

[Sideways]

If you're thinking about ending your life, you're not okay. Period. Get help asap.

And your list of achievements is commendable, but it sounds a lot like "impressive career" rather than "balanced & fulfilled". Having a "successful" life is a great defence from the world, avoidance strategy, even self-harm for some. I'm sorry, but I don't get blown away by job titles any more, especially if it's costing you your happiness:(

If your therapist can't see past your job title to assess your health, find a new one!

That said, it can be hard for the people you talk to. If you can hold down a job while you get better, then that's bloody awesome, coz the reality is that staying at work, staying occupied, and engaged with the world, can be crucial to recovery. The fact you've achieved what you have with the illness you got - geez, time to go out and celebrate your darn hard work...It might feel shit, but give yourself some credit!!

So the last thing a therapist is going to say is "gosh, you sound messed up & working too hard, time to go on the disability pension". They need to acknowledge your amazing achievements, encourage you to keep working if you can, AND somehow not sound like they're underestimating your suffering. That's a tough gig (although, you'd hope your therapist has had some practice!).

 

[Eagle3]

I look perfectly fine on the outside. Every ounce of training and experience I have dictates that I'm not supposed to show how I really feel. It's taken me YEARS in therapy to be able to ask for help with simple things without having a panic attack! It is hard when no one believes you because you look so great on the outside, when the inside is screaming for help and you can't even hear it yourself.....

 

[maelstrom]

Many people lead a double life, sometimes out of necessity and sometimes due to personality. The sad thing is that many people do not realize this, and when they see this behavior they think the person is lying.

 

[ladee]

Lying or attention seeking. Wanting someone to feel sorry for us. Waiting until we finish talking so they can say, "Man, you think you got problems, let me tell you about blah blah blah." Well you don't LOOK depressed and anxious. And the list goes on.

 

[maelstrom]

Lying or attention seeking. Wanting someone to feel sorry for us. Waiting until we finish talking so they can say, "Man, you think you got problems, let me tell you about blah blah blah." Well you don't LOOK depressed and anxious. And the list goes on.

"You don't LOOK depressed"---I hate that sentence. A LOT.

 

[Rosewater]

it sounds a lot like "impressive career" rather than "balanced & fulfilled". Having a "successful" life is a great defence from the world, avoidance strategy, even self-harm for some. I'm sorry, but I don't get blown away by job titles any more, especially if it's costing you your happiness:(
...
If you can hold down a job while you get better, then that's bloody awesome, coz the reality is that staying at work, staying occupied, and engaged with the world, can be crucial to recovery. The fact you've achieved what you have with the illness you got - geez, time to go out and celebrate your darn hard work...It might feel shit, but give yourself some credit!!

Thank you @Ragdoll Circus. This is what I needed to hear today.

 

[Tinyflame]

It's been my experience working with & getting to know people for a lifetime that it's often the opposite, people under the greatest duress or with great sorrow & suffering can frequently be the kindest & the first to try to cheer others or not complain. Same with pain, the ones complaining the most don't necessarily have the greatest pain, usually what I've seen. The ones with the most usually take pains to hide it.

Analagously, comedians are often depressive-types (doesn't surprise me one bit), & the adage that 'men don't talk about their feelings' applies to more than men, it depends on type not gender.

 

[maelstrom]

It's been my experience working with & getting to know people for a lifetime that it's often the opposite...

The part about comedians is so true, Junebug! I don't know about the rest of you, but when I'm with people I'm usually the "funny" one. I never whine or complain or cry or display negative emotions in front of people, so most people know me as somebody who has a sense of humor and think (quite illogically) that I'm a happy person. What they don't seem to comprehend is that making people happy and being happy are not the same thing! But then I think a lot of us are suffering so much precisely because of this personality trait (or whatever you would call it). Maybe we would not be in so much pain if we were the "obvious" kind.

 

[ladee]

Oh yes, I can make 'em laugh. Especially if in a large crowd and I am feeling like I am coming out of my skin. In some ways it is a great 'coping' skill, tho the whole time you are thinking, 'deep sigh, if you only knew'. And people come to expect you to be the 'entertainer'.. and God forbid, you are in a super bad space, I don't hear, hey wanna talk? What I hear is, what is wrong with YOU??.... The disadvantage of being able to hide your feelings... then when you really need to get it out. you can't put things into words because it has been in your head and body for so long.