Anyone Have Trouble Squaring Their Functionality And How Bad They Feel?

[BlueOrange]

I feel like this is part of the problem. This was how I felt as a child - I was quiet, I was well-behaved. No one saw me. I fell through the cracks. I feel like the same thing is happening now.

Sucks, doesn't it. First we learned to be invisible, because that was the only way we could survive. Once we were invisible, it was like nobody could see us when we needed help. I've found myself in more and more situations where I need to ask for help as my function improves, which I've found very difficult. But, I'm asking for help more often, and I'm getting helped more often.

The trick that helped me was to start asking for help with trivial things, things where I didn't actually need help, but would have liked help. ('Would you mind fetching that thing for me?', that sort of thing.) Then I didn't have to deal with the stress of a stressful topic as well as the stress of asking for help.

 

[rightkindofme]

Or maybe we need to accept our utter selfishness in pretending we are in need when we aren't. Grow up...

HOLY TOMATO.

This is where you went with this?

 

[rightkindofme]

Wow. Ok. This is hitting a nerve. Breathe. Tap fingers. Think. Well, I am "very high functioning" while being incredibly distressed. The way I make this something people cannot ignore is I blog publicly and I have for going on two decades. My mental health processing is on display for anyone who feels like reading it. And I'm prolific. I go through periods of producing more than 100,000 words a week when I'm really distressed documenting what is going on. I have lags when I'm letting my arms heal from damage (typing like I do is... not what our arms were built for) but usually I type 2,000-5,000 words/day. I have a book about my childhood giving the basics on the traumas I experienced.

So even though I have a long list of adult accomplishments (university, grad school, teacher on many levels, multiple successful careers, etc) I've been writing the whole damn time about how messed up I am. I can show up at work and put on my "best self" and then the rest of my life is... more mixed depending on what stage I'm in.

I have to work with therapists who specialize in Harm Reduction and severe repeat trauma. I can't work with just anyone.

(It was interesting upthread to see someone (sorry for not referring by handle) mention that therapy while experiencing trauma isn't the same as therapy post trauma. I'm 34. I've been in therapy since I was 3. The abuse stopped when I was 25. I'm... having weird thoughts about my experience of my maturation at this point based on time frames around stuff.)

So this was quite a thread for me.

Stop taking resources away from people who need them more than you. That's been said to me at every stage of my life from when I was literally homeless and starving to when I had money and the ability to finally actually articulate what kind of help I need.

Golly. This thread was a ride for me.

 

[scout86]

@rightkindofme . I would have said "Holy Cow!". But same idea. That quote is really something I tell myself pretty often. I wouldn't say it to anyone else real often.

For now, I've decided to ignore that particular "voice'. My T says he's quite capable of deciding for himself when and if he's wasting his time and will deal with it however he wants to. (But he thanked me for caring. LOL)

 

[Joseph Sean]

Anyone else have trouble squaring their level of functioning with how they feel?

I'm real...

I can relate,

I was working a corporate job for the longest duration of my pre recovery in PTSD. I know all jobs have legal responsibilities to cater to our needs.
Eventually all of my outsides became trivial when I was in a suicidal place as well. Currently I'm doing twice a week EMDR and am unemployed. I've never felt more satisfied with my recovery despite finally matching my insides with my outsides. I'm sure out situations are different. I guess I just genuinely made it a clear affirmation to the world that my happiness is first and my appearance to the world will manifest naturally when I'm happy. All the best.

 

[Sandstone]

Surely, If we are consistently told by MH professionals taht we aren't as bad as we think, then the likelihood is that we aren't as bad as we think? It makes so much more sense that way.

Perhaps how we think we feel doesn't really matter - maybe we should turn away from those feelings instead of pursuing them and trying so hard to convince others they are real? Especially if the only person believing us is a therapist, we need to remember where that therapists income comes from.

Life makes a lot more sense to me if I accept the view of everyone else, that I am either making a fuss or at the extreme, bad not mad. I've spent my life being told I'm making a fuss. Perhaps everyone else is right.

 

[ladee]

This resonates with me on so many levels.. I have recently retired, and have gone to hell in a handbasket. Some of it is pure exhaustion. Simply me taking time for self care. but the deep depression I could keep at bay while working, is here full blown, saying hey, want to deal with me now???
So being high functioning is a hardship in the end... I can set there , with the expression on my face never changing, and poor out a bucket full of WHO THE HELL AM I??? And am met with blank stares..... who the hell am I indeed ! Have been on this getting healthy journey for so long.... need to always always remember, some people are not the right 'got to' persons....so, another layer of the burned to a crisp Ladee coming off... Makes so much sense now... Thank you for this thread... has helped me so much... has helped me to understand why I am met with the looks and comments I get ...

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

I know on some levels that I don't need help. I'm incredibly privileged that I've been able to hold down jobs and feed myself and pay rent. But, there is something that is definitely going on that makes me seem more competent than I am. Last spring, I was in therapy and my therapist kept telling me this over and over - that I was stronger than I thought I was. She was absolutely astounded when I came clean that I was homeless (staying with friends, so not on-the-street homeless, but homeless nonetheless).

So, some mental health professionals tell me this. Others do not. My current therapist wants me to be in a partial hospital program. So, I'm trying to figure out what makes some believe me and some not.

I'm also going to reiterate here that I'm not looking for sympathy, just feedback that can lead me to deeper knowledge about myself.

 

[Friday]

@Sandstone But. But. I am astounded that this would get written to another person

Your original question asked how WE struggle &/or avoid falling apart.

Anyone else struggle with this? How do you get taken seriously without falling apart completely?

If that's how Sandstone does it? That doesn't mean that they are telling anyone else that's how it should be. Just that those are how they themselves struggle & cope. That it resonates with people? Is the same thought process / same struggle? Doesn't make it less valid. Even if Sandstone reached a different conclusion, or hasn't reached a conclusion at all, but is still deep in the trenches themselves with it.

 

[Friday]

Personally... I use the same thought process... But to a different end (I'm not trying to get anyone else to take me seriously; I'm trying to take myself seriously), so I didn't throw it up here. It's super useful to me when I'm stuck in self pity & need to shake it off : "Okay. What can I do my darned self? What am I blowing out of proportion? What are my resources? How do I get creative, here?" It's a huge part in how I take myself seriously / get out of helplessness.... has zip to do with others.

Applying it to others, instead of myself? Can be useful sometimes (okay if I'm hearing 10 million people all saying the same thing, maybe I should pay attention... But that doesn't mean they're right. Discrimination is necessary.) If I apply my discrimination correctly? Yep. Can be useful. If I just wholeheartedly believe every moron who has gums to flap who knows jack shit about what they're talking about? Would have the opposite result for me... Would lead to less chutzpah & more self pity. But people are different.

 

[rightkindofme]

People can develop destructive, damaging coping methods that allow them to look very "functional" from the outside. Everyone around you will insist that you should keep doing what you are doing because you are really fine. You just think you aren't.

I'm absolutely done letting other people decide what is true for me. They do not live in my head. They do not know. Period.

 

[Tinyflame]

The trick that helped me was to start asking for help with trivial things, things where I didn't actually need help, but would have liked help. ('Would you mind fetching that thing for me?', that sort of thing.) Then I didn't have to deal with the stress of a stressful topic as well as the stress of asking for help.

Really good advice @BlueOrange . (PS I always want to say that I love your user name. :) )

Surely, If we are consistently told by MH professionals tauht we aren't as bad as we think, then the likelihood is that we aren't as bad as we think? It makes so much more sense that way.

I don't want to speak for someone, but @Sandstone is a regular member who has discussed whether they feel entitled/ requiring therapy in another thread..

Dear @Sandstone , there is maximizing, minimizing & denial that all *can* (not saying they are) come in to play. But one thing it isn't about is presentation, entirely. People tell me "(You) don't have the capacity to be depressed", & cheering them up- really different than the reality of 2 suicide attempts & SI. Etc.The next moment I could walk to the bathroom & end it right there if I could.

Most of all, no one has to be fully not-functional to get help or improve on life.

I think if you were always told you were just making a fuss, naturally you'd feel that. :( Personally I could walk (likely 'walk') in to the ER with an axe in my head and minimize it.

Same, medically speaking. In my family if you weren't on death's door you didn't go to the Dr. As a consequence when family members did they died in a few hours (some were told previously they were 'great' though, too). The 2 who did go got their cancers diagnosed in their 20's & 30's and lived since then, even though one was terminal.

I do remember some of your story @Sandstone. You are so dear. Please if nothing else be kind & gentle on yourself. :hug: