Anyone recognize these symptoms?

[MSDoodles]

Hello! New member here, glad to have joined :) Sorry if I'm killing off the English language, it's not my native :p

So, I have to ask for thoughts on something that has been bothering me for a while, mostly for the past few years actually.

I haven't been able to seek a therapist so far for various reasons but lately it seems that I might have to, whether I like it or not.

I have some 'symptoms' that from what I've searched mainly on the web and some books, indicate childhood trauma (I already knew that), and specifically trauma that has a sexual source.

I wanna tell you a little about me so you can see if any of you recognizes these symptoms or has similar ones.
I had my first masturbation experience at an early age, I think around my 7-9 years, from an older female friend who showed me some 'tricks'. That friend was only a year older so she didn't know much of it either. I remember that from that point and on, I started masturbating frequently, but there is a standard point by which I started having very disturbing fantasies, most of which were of violent nature. Thing is..I don't know and don't remember why I suddenly started having such thoughts..and my memories from that time are very few and unclear. However I have several issues that will be described briefly by the following symptoms:

1. Extreme feelings of self shame.
2. Very poor body image and general view of myself to the point of paralyzing insecurities.
3. Inability to form romantic and sexual relationships even though I do enjoy flirting with guys and I have also felt in love in the past.
4. Inability to trust people.
5. Aversion and avoidance of touching unless it's from a select few people of my family that I feel very comfortable with.
6. Fear of men, especially those who are controlling and yell at people.
7.Oppressed rage and oppressed expression of feelings. I generally have adopted and excelled the so called 'poker face'. I've been practising that ever since I was very young and by now I have almost excelled at it, if not completely. I've been told by people that they look at me and can't understand what I feel or even if I feel anything. I'm also restraining myself from any sort of emotional expression, even when I watch a very sad movie with others around.
8. Fear of being heard or making noises. I only recently realized that it's been many years since the last time I cried normally with sound and all. Whenever I cry, it;'s usually silent and in my own privacy, so much that it often hurts my tummy as I try to keep the sobs silent.
9. Sudden bursts of emotion and anger and often childish reactions.
10. I often resort to my 'child like' self to feel happy or to 'get away' from stuff.
11. Feeling of nostalgia for my innocence, especially the one in my childhood before specific incidents.
12. Constantly alarmed to any sound, touch, smell,etc.. Also I have very good reflexes.
13. Feelings of being totally useless and a general numbing inadequacy. ex. I feel like I can't even prepare a simple salad when others are watching. I always feel people will critisize and that I will fail.
14. Have been trying to discover and use any possible talent of mine and even though there are things I like and am good at, I always feel like something stops me from doing better at them or following a right path.
15. Fear of closed spaces and social anxiety.
16. Uncomfortable with compliments of any sort, feel like people are being 'condescending' or manipulative towards me.

This is a summary of what my general psychology is like..I'm a mess I know. I feel like even the therapist won't really understand me or that I can;t trust them to talk about it but I think I'm going to visit one soon.

Can you recognize these symptoms/can you give me any thoughts on what they can possibly mean? Thank you!

 

[Suzetig]

No one here can tell you what may or may not have happened in your childhood, I hear that you’re worried but what generally happens on this type of thread is that some people say “you’ve definitely been abused” others say “lots of things - or nothing - might have happened” and the original poster goes away thinking what they were thinking anyway.

I honestly don’t mean that to be dismissive of you or your worries, more to push your line of thought back into what you think happened. The thing is, there are no clear symptoms of child sexual abuse - everything that might point to sexual abuse can also correlate to physical abuse, neglect, or any number of non-abusive childhood traumas. The key is trauma, not necessarily abuse. Even where the concerns are specifically sexual in nature it doesn’t necessarily point to sexual abuse because children’s development happens across a whole spectrum, so trauma shows across that whole spectrum.

The experience you describe with a friend isn’t uncommon in children - in a “look what I’ve found” kind of way, even very young children will stimulate themselves because it feels good, long before they have an understanding about sex.

I guess the thing is you’re concerned but in the absence of any kind of therapeutic support it’s going to be hard to really know what did or didn’t happen. Maybe take some time out to do some journaling about the things you’ve noted in your post, I know when I’ve made room for myself, I’ve been more able to remember things I’d forgotten. I’m sorry you’re worried and hope you do find some peace.

 

[Angelwings]

Hello! New member here, glad to have joined :) Sorry if I'm killing off the English language, it's no...

OMG that is like you were writing my symptoms, not yours. You are not alone. A therapist would totally understand all of that because that is PTSD summarized.