Apparantly I Should Be Angry

[maryel42]

I've been poking around for a thread that already addresses this and I can't. So I'll just come out and ask it myself. (and get feedback on what I really want to know instead of stuff that relates to someone else? there's a thought.)

My therapist thinks I'm really very angry. That I should be angry, even if I think and claim that I'm not. That underneath the bleakness, underneath the eating disorder and the cutting and the depression, I'm really pretty outraged at my abusers. The people that hurt me. The ones who set all those triggers into place all these years ago.

I don't feel angry. I will admit, now, that I do get angry on occassion. When the line is very clear cut, when someone does something that hurts one or both of my kids. When it's a case of righteous indignation and wrath. I get angry for my friends. Not for myself.

I think it comes from trying to understand my own father? I do, in a really odd way. More so as I get older, as I had my own kids. I look back at the history of his family, and I know in general what shaped him into the person he became. Abuse, neglect, abandonment, running away in a sense from all that to join the army and go off to vietnam, coming back, drugs and alcohol and a slow descent as his bipolar got worse and some schizophrenic tendencies came out, and everything meshed together. He never got help for any of that, and then I was born, and I triggered him something awful. I can see that, on paper, and I've been to hell and back in my own therapy and trying to understand why I am who I am, and I *know*.

I remember all his sleepless nights, finally passing out in a chair in front of the tv. I remember waking him up carefully to steer him to bed. I remember the lostness his eyes would get. I remember the heaviness of his depression.

I know that all the most horrible things he did, he has no memory of, because he was so far out of his own head. It wasn't really him, and he didn't have control over those things, and I know this is so because when I was about 8 he did start going to therapy. He was on meds, he was getting a grip, he was better. For two years of my childhood he was an awesome father. Then he got scared of his recovery and he stopped, and everything went back how it was.

I had my daughter, and she looked exactly like me as a newborn, and she was so happy. Some bad mornings it infuriated me to see her so happy, so innocent, so joyful. I realized that this is what pissed my dad most about me as a baby. Because I knew, because I could see how him and I turned out, I made a conscious choice not to repeat it. My daughter had enough problems as an infant, and growing. (preemie, birth defect, severe developmental delays and sensory integration issues that turned to autism) She did not need anything else.

I can't get angry at my dad. He wasn't really there. Is that my problem? I've got to blame somebody, and I was the only one who was in my right mind at the time, so it's my fault? (perceived, anyway. Intellectually I know it wasn't. In my heart I still believe it was)

why does my head keep going in circles and circles trying to absolve everybody who abused me of their responsibility?

 

[Tinyflame]

Well, that last part is not good, especially as a child, but Idk, I was told once my heart didn't have mallice in it (when I had no real compassion for a person who had been awful but then needed an ambulance (years later). I felt like a monster).

I think there's a difference between letting go, or not judging (trying not to judge at least). Plus, Idk, I've been forgiven for a lot, wasn't deserved to be forgiven.

I think it's good you are enjoying your own family/ children and not repeating it.

 

[maryel42]

I had heard for years that it was a choice that a person had to make, to consciously do or just unconsciously repeat patterns without thinking or realizing it. I "got it" in my head.

I didn't really understand it until I was sitting next to her on the floor and overwhelmed with the feelings. I've had a lot of struggles along the way. I had two bad high-risk pregnancies and two sudden preemies, two NICU stays, two kids that have never once followed the textbook in terms of growth or feeding or development, and it would have been so easy to get lost in the stress of all that. You know what I mean?

But I had to focus on watching for the bright point. If I blinked I would have missed it. So hard to get my daughter to engage, to come close enough to reality that she knew I was there at all, but maybe once a day we'd connect for half a minute. And she was so happy it made my heart hurt.

I think I really did reparent myself with that. Being right there in that moment with her, no matter what else I was doing when she came up, I just dropped everything and sat right down with her and was there. Same with my son. So happy it made me hurt. And they are so trusting. So happy. So joyful. Talk about infectious moods. Sometimes a tantrum in a special ed environment can set off several other kids. Sometimes that is a nightmare to get focus back.

My daughter infects them with giggles. She bounces through, and everything is so silly and happy with her, and she just makes them smile and laugh.

 

[scout86]

What I have been told is that infants and small children need to be able to depend on those around them. It's a survival thing and we're born programed that way. When a small child is in a situation where they CAN'T depend on those around them, their brain has to find some way to construct the situation so it makes sense and seems "safe". It's "safer" to believe that YOU are responsible, and the problem, than it is to believe the adult is. It seems "dangerous" to be angry with the adult, so the anger gets turned inward. Cutting is sometimes a way that shows up.

I can see where you may NOT be angry with your father. You could be angry with the universe in general, on some level, because we also seem to come preprogramed with some kind of sense of justice. It wouldn't be unreasonable to feel anger towards your dad too, even if he has a million excuses for letting you down. (And he DID let you down.)

 

[Tinyflame]

I didn't know all that @scout86 . I guess that makes sense.

:hug:

 

[scout86]

My therapist say that's why I pay him the big bucks. :) (I recently pointed out that, since the dawn of "Obamacare", the state & the insurance co. are now paying him the big bucks!)

 

[Justmehere]

That underneath the bleakness, underneath the eating disorder and the cutting and the depression, I'm really pretty outraged at my abusers.

I had heard for years that it was a choice that a person had to make, to consciously do or just unconsciously repeat patterns without thinking or realizing it. I "got it" in my head.

The trauma therapist I had before now told me that my self abuse through an eating disorder and cutting was me acting out my anger on myself, even when I didn't feel angry. Eh, I'm not sure what I think of that. He did continue on to say that it was a reenactment of the abuse in a way. It was self punishing and self abusive, and I didn't need to become my own abuser. That had me thinking. I'm still not sure what I think.

I do actually struggle with anger, but not really at the abusers. I feel lots of anger towards everyone else around them who enabled the abuse but not so much the actual perpetrators of the abuse. I wonder about it a lot like you.

 

[franciemarnie]

I had rage at what my dad did, the actions were horrible.

Understanding is separate. I understand why he was the way he was. He went thru abuse too.

Understanding why... say...someone hits me in the face will only tell me the reason, but it won't change the wound or my response of anger and wanting to hit back, or depending on the situation - curl up and protect myself over and over so many times I bury the natural response.

Rage was underneath my depression. It was anger inside out.

I know it's a conundrum. I didn't think I had any anger until I was 24 and on vacation with my dad. He said something lousy to me and out of "nowhere" I blew. Out of control. I had laryngitis for a week afterwards. Peaceful sweet little me. Who knew.

See what emerges as time goes by. A lot gets buried with PTSD.

But everyone is different. Only you know your reality.

 

[Jane.l]

Really relate to justmehere and my T has told me the same . We've worked out my lack of anger is because I am still blaming myself and I am also good at creating reasons why they behaved the way they did - also my lack of self worth stops me from being angry and I am beginning to feel just slightly there may be angry there but if I let out will it overwhelm me in a massive tsunami of anger - right now I feel nothing towards my abusers just numb and I guess that's a defensive - protective thing maybe similar to what scout described but also maybe that's there for a reason - maybe it would be way too messy if I starting feeling .

 

[maryel42]

Interesting. I use the word messy a lot to describe my intense emotional states. The depression, the suicide thoughts, the fear and anxiety... If I lose control over it, it gets messy.

I don't know how to let go and have it not be messy.

 

[fly away home]

My therapist tells me the same thing. I need to find my anger. I have none because for me, anger is to be feared. Anger terrifies me. Anger is dangerous.
My father was similar to yours Mary and as a result I have overwhelming fear of him and most of the other people who hurt me but anger just isn't there.

Apparently I accept too much. I have no sense of what is appropriate or what is safe so everything and everyone falls into the same category so therefore no one deserves anger. This is just regarding actions towards myself. I hear other's stories and feel anger and outrage towards other people's abusers. I am only just beginning to see that certain actions against my daughter are ones I should feel anger towards. I can see how my own mindset is dangerous. I feel guilt in bucket loads. I feel shut down and mute I'm told this is when I should find my anger and stand up. This is going to require inordinate amounts of strength. And that's just for anger in the now. Anger for my abusers is something we haven't even touched on other than to say it should be there. I feel none.

My therapist tells me it will come. Sorry I'm not of much help other than to say you are not alone.

 

[Justmehere]

I don't know how to let go and have it not be messy.

Me neither. I have asked my therapist how to let go, let myself feel, and she says it's by titrating it. Just doing and experiencing small amounts at a time. I tell her that is so easy to say...