Apparently I've Reached An Impasse...

[barefoot]

I saw my therapist yesterday and we spent most of the time talking about the meltdown I had with her last week, which I wrote about here in another thread.

I'd been worrying a bit that I wouldn't be able to do the work I need to do with her if I'm just going to have a meltdown/become so dissociated/re-traumatise myself whenever we need to talk about the hard stuff. So, at the end of the session I asked whether we would have to do what happened last week again. i.e., is that part of the work - do you have to go there to that extent and get impacted that intensely in order to get to the level necessary to process/integrate/whatever.

She said 'not necessarily' – and that while last week showed some progress on one level, she thought it was too much – too brutal – and that it wasn't helpful for me to suffer that much.

Then she said that I was in denial about what had happened to me when I was younger and that all the time I was so fixed in my view that it wasn't "bad enough" we wouldn't be able to really go anywhere on that front. So we had reached an impasse.

She wasn't saying it in a judgemental or critical way or in a way that suggested she was frustrated with me. And she actually said she didn't want me to go away and give myself a hard time for not 'doing it right' or for thinking things that were wrong/bad. But I feel really despondent. And I just don't see the point any more.

I really like my therapist. I trust that she knows far more about all this stuff than I do. I know that I need to try to just accept where I am. I know I tend to be impatient and that things take time and get bumpy. But I feel so despondent. I just can't see the point of going there week after week and making myself feel worse in the process when it seems that, until I can change my mind about what happened and think completely differently about it, I'm just stuck down a dead end. I don't know how I can make myself feel differently about it?! I'm prepared to work hard and for it to be hard – if I think it's going to make a positive difference. At the moment, I can't see how it's going to make any positive difference so I don't see the point of me continuing.

I emailed her earlier saying I didn't want to go next week so hopefully she could give my time to someone else. And I said that I was thinking about either stopping or taking a break because I didn't see the point in going if we'd reached an impasse and that I'm just too tired of it all at the moment.
She's replied saying she thinks me stopping would be a mistake as I've made lots of progress (really??) and that at the very least she wants me to go next week so that we can talk it through face to face. I haven't replied. I don't know what to say.

I just feel so sick of it.

 

[WillyKat]

First of all, please accept a hug if that's ok w/ you. Healing from this, facing the demons is extremely hard work. But please don't be in any hurry to stop your treatment. One lesson I've learned is to never make big decisions when I'm feeling really down. I learned that lesson the hard way.

This is only one round of a long fight. It's going to take some time for your mind reconnoiter the new material, and that's not a good time to stop therapy.

But the idea of giving yourself a break is a good idea. If there's something that you can do just for you, without stopping therapy.

 

[Deleted member 29920]

I can understand that feeling of wanting to give up, but I think you should at least go next week and tell her your thoughts face to face, it will probably be helpful to at least do that. I have been on a very long break from therapy (against my will) and I honestly feel worse for it, so that's why I'm saying you should at least go one more time and see how that goes.

 

[Rosewater]

Hi @barefoot. A lot of that doesn't sound dissimilar to conversations I've had with my therapist in recent months.

It's possible that she doesn't think you're at an impasse at all & she might be trying to say that relative "badness" doesn't matter. That is, if it hurt you then that's bad enough. How we rationalise it doesn't actually matter - if it hurt us, then it hurt us - regardless of anything anyone else went through.

It's really good that you like and trust your therapist. Like the others who've posted above, I'd encourage you to keep on seeing her and let her try to support you safely in navigating through the confusion and pain. Remember that she's there to help you deal with these roadblocks at your own pace & she wants to help you do it.

It does get better, no matter how crushing and dispiriting your brain tells you things are right now.

Good luck.

 

[watundah]

barefoot....grrrrrlllll.....you and I have shared some parallels in therapy and you have always encouraged me to continue. It was always the right thing to do. We can't quit when it gets this hard. You're on the cusp of something. Please go one more time. You will feel differently, even in a week's time....

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

I am with the others, I don't think you should quit therapy right now or take a break. I recommend going and talking about it with your therapist and see what you can come up with. You said you like your therapist and trust her knowledge- that's a huge deal- a lot of people struggle to find that kind of relationship with a therapist. Don't give up on it too quickly. Maybe there is a different avenue of therapy that you can take so you get a break from the hard stuff. For examples, sometimes my therapist and I just focus on increasing positive feelings. We might play a game which is a nice break, but still works on skills because I have a lot of issues about right and wrong and that can even extend to game playing. Sometimes we focus on what goals I can set for myself in between sessions- those can range from therapy related to vacuuming the house. So I would encourage you to go and talk face to face with your therapist and see what the two of you can come up with to help you in this moment at this point in your journey.

 

[UnKnown-Self]

I think you should keep your next appointment and I hope you do.

I trust that she knows far more about all this stuff than I do.

On one hand, yes. On the other hand, why?

I have a very good relationship with my therapist. I started having what I called episodes and described them to my therapist. She told me it was dissociation and I needed to work on creating a safe place in my mind. She explained the process and said it could be very difficult at first. I wanted to get a grasp in it so I could move on EMDR therapy and try to understand my flashes.
I could not get all of me to agree on a safe mental place. I decided to do a web search on trauma and dissociation. I found some links to videos and articles and book suggestions. I ordered a couple books. Off the top of my head I can't remember the titles. I can post them later, right now I'm ready for bed and too lazy to get up.
One book talked about dissociation and grounding and the need to keep myself present. Like if I'm driving or things start getting too rough. Instead of creating a safe place in my mind, the book suggested I focus on three things around me. How it feels, like the chair being sat on, strong mints or an enjoyed scent. Focus on them in every detail and describe it in detail to myself.

Had I not researched on my own to educate myself, I wouldn't have understood grounding or dissociation as well. I was able to go to her and suggest a different exercise that would still get me started. She agreed .

I guess what I'm trying to say is educate yourself. Your therapist my have more book knowledge but you are the only one who can be an expert on you.

Suffers with PTSD share many similar challenges, how we overcome those challenges is as versatile as we are. It's a custom job and you're in charge

 

[scout86]

Then she said that I was in denial about what had happened to me when I was younger and that all the time I was so fixed in my view that it wasn't "bad enough" we wouldn't be able to really go anywhere on that front. So we had reached an impasse.

Do you understand what she meant by that?

What does "impasse" mean to you? I'm thinking that, to her, it probably doesn't mean something that can't be overcome. It might be more a problem to be solved.

There's been something that came up in my therapy. Something that my T uses as a technique most of the time doesn't seem to be possible for me (yet). I asked him one day, "What if can never do that?" He smiled and said, "Then we find another way to accomplish the same thing." There are lots of ways to do most things. There's not just one "right" way. It's more "what ever works".

One of the things my T likes to say is "I want you get get better as fast as you can. But not faster." It's a good thing to keep in mind.

(I think you should go to the next appointment too.)

 

[Friday]

If you don't know what the point is? Ask.

I mean... You could just never know what the point may or may not be, but that seems kind of silly.

You may not agree with the point, or think its worth the time/money, and that's completely your right. But just walking away without knowing what the proposed point is? Seems kind of self defeating. So you had 2 points in being there. Both of those points are gone, at least temporarily*. Your therapist seems to think that there may be 3+ points. Seems worth it, at least, to go listen to what she has to say.

Huge difference between; I disagree with the point, & I dont know what the point is.

* That would be what I would want to know straight off the bat. Okay, impasse? For how long? What would need to change or be met? And how do we get there? Is this a road closed sign so turn around, or detour sign, we need to go a different way for awhile? If so, what is that way, and why/how/etc.?

 

[barefoot]

she might be trying to say that relative "badness" doesn't matter. That is, if it hurt you then that's bad enough. How we rationalise it doesn't actually matter.

Yes, I think this is what she wants me to understand and believe and she always encourages me to be more self-compassionate. And, on the one hand, I get that. But in another way, I just can't make that belief feel real for myself. I know she has a point. I know I am far more accepting of and compassionate towards other people and that I don't show the same level of kindness to myself. But I don't know how to change that.

 

[barefoot]

Do you understand what she meant by that?

I understand it to mean a block/barrier that can't be overcome. She said that all the time I was fixed on my view and in denial, we were stuck, there was nowhere to go with it, we were at an impasse. So my understanding of what she meant was that it can't be overcome...until I change my view.

I said that it sounded like the aim of therapy had become that I have to change my mind and believe what she believes because obviously she was right about everything and I clearly know nothing and am wrong about everything. And I know that was a very childish and snarky thing to say. But, it does feel like that - that I'm stuck until I think what she thinks.

She said it would be useful if I dialled back my resistance and allowed myself to consider that the view I am fixed on is not the only possibility. Intellectually, I understand what she means by that. In reality, I don't know how I do that. I don't know how I change over twenty years of thinking something about something?

One of the things my T likes to say is "I want you get get better as fast as you can. But not faster."

Yes, this is a good reminder. Thanks.

 

[barefoot]

If you don't know what the point is? Ask.

When she said I was in denial so we'd reached an impasse, I said then I didn't see the point in my coming anymore. She said we'd just carry on as we were and that she'd meet me where I was and that, at some point, something would shift for me. And that's when she started talking about it being helpful if I dial back my resistance and then I said that it sounded like I had to believe what she believes because she's clearly right and I'm obviously wrong...

I think this thread is making me realise that that's the thing that's rattling me...the feeling that she's right and I've got it wrong....that I've been thinking the wrong thing all this time and that I have to start believing something else. That's where all the resistance is. I think it's partly resisting that sense of being made wrong in itself. And partly it's that I want to cling to my belief because that feels like my truth. My belief clearly isn't serving me that well at the moment. But it still feels safer than changing my mind.
Does that make any sense at all?