Apparently I've Reached An Impasse...

[Deleted member 29920]

Can you think of things to do that might distract you from thinking about it or is it easier to just let it all out? It's not dramatic, I think it's a normal response to what you're going through right now. Sometimes it's cathartic to just let it all out, I find crying sometimes actually helps. What would help you feel better right now?

 

[barefoot]

I don't really know what would make me feel better...

Crying a bit has just given me a headache! Perhaps I didn't just let it all go enough... Feels like there's so much tension...

Part of me wants to email her a whole stream of consciousness about loads of stuff. But that wouldn't be fair as she's not well. And I think I'd regret it as soon as I'd sent it anyway. I guess I could write it then not send it. But don't know if I trust myself not to send it!

Perhaps I could journal around it - might help to get some thoughts straight and to maybe flush some of it out a bit...

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

I just don't know how I'm going to hold it all in and get through another week

That's so hard when you worked so hard to get yourself to a place to do something only to have it canceled on you. Instead of holding it all in, perhaps you could write some of it down and put away until next week. Make a list of the topics you wanted to talk about or actually write it all out. Then fold it up and put it in an envelope until next week. Then, you can even bring it with you if you're worried about forgetting what you actually wanted to say. Just a thought.

 

[scout86]

I know it's not funny, but it almost is. (Been there, done that!)

I had a situation the beginning of the year that was a little like yours. Basically, I SURE there was something wrong and that it was somehow my fault and had no idea what it was. Just that it was going to be terrible. I went through a similar process of internal debates and discussions. Ran it past a few people here too. Had a stretch of appointments having to be rescheduled for various reasons too. I finally sent him an email. I don't even remember what it said. (I'm sure it was fairly crazy.) It led to one of the best appointments ever. Turns out I was right, there WAS something "horribly wrong". It was that his wife and one of his sons was extremely sick. Like "helicopter ride except we don't think she's strong enough to make the flight" sick, in the case of his wife. And he was dealing with that, and moving his office, and the holidays, and thought he was doing a great job of compartmentalizing....... And, apparently no one else noticed anything was wrong. When we talked about it, he said that he supposes that, when you grow up feeling like your life depends on being able to read other people's feelings and the energy of a situation, you get pretty good at it, but that he didn't want me to go through something like that ever again. (Nice try!) So, we've worked on that kind of thing more and actually I feel more sure we're "on the same side" now than ever before. (Usually!) It was a train wreck at the time, but worked out to be the source of a lot of progress. I hope something similar happens for you! But, if you can, maybe you should consider sending a "Heads up, all is not well" message ahead of time, so she has a chance to prepare a little.

Hang in there & good luck!

 

[barefoot]

I know it's not funny, but it almost is.

Yes...it feels like a bit of a 'be careful what you wish for' slap round the chops!

Glad to hear things worked out for you and moved things forward positively. I hope something similar happens for me too :-)

I was thinking more about it earlier (!) and I think one of the things I'm really struggling with is that I feel like I'm two different people who want totally different things. So there's a part of me that wants to see my therapist (thinks about her/therapy a lot, would see her every day if that were possible and gets scared about the thought that one day I won't see her again because our work will have to stop) and that part wants to sit with her for hours and tell her everything and have her be kind to me and, in a way, have her look after me. And then there's another part that wants the complete opposite - that thinks she's too close, that doesn't want to feel attached to her, that rejects her compassion, that wants to shut her down and keep her at arm's length. So I think some of this is about that. I want her and I don't want her. I yearn for the intimacy and yet I keep her at a distance. I want and feel like I need to share stuff, but I end up shutting down and shutting her down. I want her compassion but when she says something kind I snap at her and retreat.

It just feels like a continual internal battle. It's exhausting. And it's confusing. I don't know how I get one part to 'win'. But I don't see how I can move forwards and get anywhere with both parts staying as strong as they are because they're so opposite each other. I don't see where I find middle ground that works for both of them. I'm sure this must be common and lots of people must experience something like this. I just can't seem to regulate myself and achieve some kind of balance with this stuff.

I don't be parts as in DID - I'm not DID. I just mean, it feels like different parts and that's what creates such a conflicted, confused feeling...

Ugh...I think I'm going off topic on my own topic!

But I think you're right - it probably would be a good idea to send her a brief message before next week so that she knows things aren't great.

 

[barefoot]

I also have something coming up next Monday before I see her and it's potentially a very triggering thing for me. So I'm sure we would have talked about that today so that I was more prepared for it. And now we won't get to talk about it and she probably hasn't remembered that it's next week either. So, on top of all the other whirl of stuff, I'm also now worrying about that because I know I just have to sort myself out for it when I'm not feeling very good in the first place.

I don't feel I can get in touch with her about it this week because I know she's not well. And also partly (and I know this is probably just me being stubborn and childish) because I don't want to 'lose face' by telling her I want to stop/take a break from therapy and then I'm texting asking her to help me with this appointment.

Jeez....bad timing!!! And I know I need to stop myself from getting in a tizz about it all...panic is rising again and I feel like I need to try to control it. But I feel like I'm kind of on a roll with it...!

 

[watundah]

Monday to Monday does feel like a long time when there isnt any upset! Do you think she may get you in later this week if she feels better?

Sorry ..lag in posting/reading..you know they want to help us so the idea of asking to reschedule later this week or maybe a phone call to discuss your upcoming event is not unreasonable. Alot can be accomplished in just a 15 minute chat. I always get mad, say Im not coming in, then she calmly convinces me to. It is a bit I have the exact same conflict. I love my therapist and I dont want her to see me. I see it as a reflection of how my relationships are with everyone, except with the intensity of being on steroids. I think as long as I keep her at a distance, everyone else is, too. She is slooowwwllly taking chinks out of my wall which freaks me out. Vulnerability is my biggest hurdle, but the only way to be whole. I like her weaseling in but it also scares the crap out of me.

 

[barefoot]

I like her weaseling in but it also scares the crap out of me.

Yeah, I think you just hit the nail on the head with that right there... :-)

And yes, Mon-Mon does always feel like a long time, even when I'm not in a complete tizz! A year ago I used to see her twice a week, which I liked, but the time commitment was much more manageable then than it would be now because I'm now much busier work-wise.

I don't think I could see her later in the week even if a) she was feeling better and b) she miraculously had some slots. It pretty much takes a day out of my week to see her - 4 hours of traveling and 2 hours for the session. Monday's are therefore a day I keep clear and then I schedule other stuff in other days. And this week, Tues-Fri is really full so I don't have a spare day and can't re-jig the existing things.

I could maybe do a call in the evening on one of a couple of days if she was feeling better and was available. But she does have quite a bit of form of saying we'll do a call and then we don't as I don't hear from her. And if that happened this time, I don't think I'd cope with it very well!

Perhaps if I still feel the same I'll drop her an email in a couple of days and ask if a quick evening call about the other appointment would be possible... I don't even know what I want her to say about it or what help I want her to give me... I think it will just feel reassuring somehow to talk to her about it...

 

[watundah]

Reassurance. .yes...the voice of calm...

(Four hours! Oh lordy! You get big gold stars for that!)

 

[barefoot]

Ha! Well, when I first started seeing her I worked in London, so I would see her after work and it was quite convenient. I don't work in London anymore but haven't ever considered finding a new therapist closer to home.

 

[barefoot]

Actually, I think wanting to speak to her before the other appointment...it's a reassurance thing because I think it's just a way of not feeling so alone with it. Because she's the only person who knows that the appointment is potentially difficult for me. No one else - including my partner who is incredibly supportive - has any idea that it's a triggering scenario. I suppose even if I don't want her to do anything or don't need her advice on anything about it, by us talking about it, I guess it's just about someone actually knowing and it being ok. And I means I can't avoid the reality of it by pretending that nothing's happening.

 

[WillyKat]

You know what, I think you'll be ok and the reason I say that is this: "The irony...I didn't want to go and now I'm not going....and now all I want to do is go...!"