Appearances

[Deleted member 1860]

I have started this thread a number of times and then deleted it. I feel INCREDIBLY stupid posting this because it seems like a stupid, stupid, stupid problem to have, and I am afraid that I won't be taken seriously or that others will just roll their eyes and think "gee, your life must be soooo hard if this is a problem for you!" But here I am posting anyway, so if you think this problem is stupid or just want to tell me to shut up because others have it worse, please just hit the "back" button and don't reply. (I'm really not trying to be rude, rather I am already beating myself up enough for this and don't need more of the same.) Thank you.

For much of my life I've been an average wall flower. People never really took notice of me, and I liked it that way because I could go about my own business without having to worry about anyone else. Within the last few years I have taken more pride in my appearance. I grew out my hair. (I'm blonde and it is now quite long...it hasn't been this long since I was a young child.) I am wearing nicer clothes. I take the time to put on makeup. I started to exercise, and eat better, thus losing quite a few pounds. What I wasn't expecting was more attention. I'm the kind of person who is hypervigilant yet at the same time oblivious to the obvious. It makes sense in that I'm on high alert for danger but the more mundane things in life that other people notice tend to slip by my radar. (I don't think non-PTSD or non-hypervigilant people would understand this, but it makes perfect sense to me.) But I digress...

Anyway, so the hypervigilant side of me notices when anyone, male or female takes notice of me. The guys tend to give me those "I'm checking you out" looks and I HATE IT! Looking better makes me feel better, and I try to look better so that I can hide any and every trace of what others may see as "not normal" so that I can hide the mental/PTSD side of me. (Does this make sense?) But then I get so agitated when people notice me that I want to hide again. Unfortunately I gained back all of the weight that I lost, most likely in a subconscious effort to stop the looks, but apparently that didn't work as I still had guys looking at me yesterday. Now I want to chop off all my hair and get a pixie cut, but I'm fighting the urge to do so as I know I'll regret it as it took a few years to grow out my hair.

The issue isn't looking good, the issue is feeling unsafe when I go out in public and people notice me. I know that I need to work through this issue but I'm not sure of the best way to go about it. I hate to sound stupid, but girls who have always looked good are better equipped for dealing with the unwanted looks and attention simply because they've been able to practice doing so since a younger age, whereas nobody really started noticing me until recently so I don't have the skills to just brush it off and let it not bother me.

But, at least the issue has come to my attention, so I can now work on it. No, I'm not going to chop off my hair, although I am going to wear it up most of the time in a conservative style so that I can go about my business in public and feel safe again. And yes, I am going to work on losing the weight by eating better and exercising. I am not going to just avert the whole issue by making myself less attractive. I know that isn't going to solve anything.

Another part of what brought this issue to the forefront was that I met someone online. Well, we crossed paths years ago in real life but didn't really start talking until about a month ago. He's seen recent pictures of me (as of a few months ago) and says how pretty I am and says things like "oh guys must hit on you all the time". (Yes, I know these could just be lines and he could totally be playing me, but just follow along...) I told him that guys don't ever hit on me or flirt with me. Yeah, guys are nice to me, but that's about it. He responds with "I'm hitting on you right now and you don't even know it!!!" Silence on my end. :-/ So why do I say all of this? To make the point that I am INCREDIBLY naïve when it comes to guys and relationships! Really, I need a manual or something, well more like a 26 volume encyclopedia on how to understand and deal with guys/relationships/etc. I guess this just shows I really have no idea what's going on and I need all the help I can get.

Please be gentile. I can take criticism, just as long as its not of the "suck it up, be happy that you look decent, and move on" variety. (Not that I think anyone is that mean, it's just a big fear of mine.) And no, I don't think I'm "all that"...I really have low self esteem when it comes to my looks. My spectrum runs from "ugly" to "not so ugly" but never would I consider myself to be good looking or anything like that. But, I suppose that's another thread for another day....

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I can relate to what you are saying. I think it takes some pressure off that I am married though. I can relate and started a thread similar to this a while back.

You aren't alone and you aren't stupid.

 

[Ryn]

Not stupid at all, @Solara. I can relate to much of this post. For me, I find attention (particularly male attention) threatening and it causes me to waver around wildly with my weight, my makeup, etc. I too feel I am really ill-equipped to deal with guys and relationships in general... I don't like the attention at all, and at the same time I yearn for an actual, real connection, which sure confuses the hell out of any males who try to approach me. And I know exactly what you mean by the hypervigiliance/super-oblivious crossover - definitely been there. :P

I certainly hope that no one would tell you to "suck it up, be happy that you look decent, and move on" because it's clearly a deeper issue than that. Perhaps you could keep looking into some of the long-ingrained things inside you that might be causing this - whether it's feeling threatened by attention, or feeling unsettled about your own looks, or feeling really out-of-place in general with how to go about relationships, or something else entirely - I think it's worth bringing up in therapy. It could just be an unfortunate mixture of minor things that have brought you to this predicament, but then again, it's more than likely some of the trauma you have experienced is playing a role, and that is certainly worth exploring.

And to reassure you again, it really doesn't sound stupid at all. :)

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Thank you both for the reassurance, as I really do appreciate it.

I am currently on a therapy break but I do want to get back into therapy. I did the research, found a therapist I am interested in who seems to fit what I am looking for, but never actually made that phone call. I think I will make it my goal for next week. (I'd say today but it's already mid-afternoon on Friday and I hate leaving unfinished business at the tail end of the week...just a pet peeve of mine! LOL) Yes, I do agree that it's an issue that I need to bring up in therapy.

 

[Nebulustrix]

@Solara - I just wanted to say - You are NOT alone! :) Reading your post, I felt like it was something I could have written myself, almost exactly, except that I haven't made it to looking nice again yet.

In grade school I was always overweight, always a wall-flower, always disconnected socially, and I was okay like that. It didn't bother me one bit. I wasn't interested in relationships or connecting with my peers - my eyes were set on college.

Then I made it to college, and I started branching out socially. I started getting more physically fit, more involved in activities and clubs I enjoyed. I lost about 60lbs and felt great! My interest in having a relationship peaked and I started looking. At first it seemed depressing - all the people I knew saw me as just "one of the guys" or a "sister" as opposed to somebody they might potentially have a relationship with, mostly because until that point I'd only ever really been interested in friendship and being "one of the guys". Then, someone actually expressed interest in me and I jumped on it...

And that was the source of my trauma. He broke my confidence and I gained all my weight back and then some due to stress and anxiety and I haven't been able to lose it sense. Just trying to exercise is an ordeal of fighting through fears and anxiety, picturing myself thin and fit and confident again... and I can't do it. I can't hold myself to an exercise routine, can't handle people watching me work out or complimenting me. And I especially can't handle anybody expressing any interest in me or my own feelings of attraction to anyone.

Working on this right now with my therapist. So, I'm right there with you and I feel your pain!

 

[Jane.l]

It's not at all silly - appearance and what we do with it is interesting - I always make a 'effort' and I have noticed lately the worse I feel inside the more trouble I go to to look good on the outside almost like a mask - if you look like you are fine People don't ask you whats up .

Feeling physically fit helps me feel safer - I do weights because feeling my body is strong increases my confidence . Also if I am walking around town on my own I am very aware of my body language - head up and acting in a confident manner give out a - don't mess with me, I have my crap together - type message without coming across as hostile . It's taken me a lot of years to work this out .

So guess for me it's sort of fake it till you make it - act as if you are confident and self assured and eventually it rubs off a bit

 

[Echo]

Hi @Solara - I don't want to write at length just now, but I understand this entirely. My take on it, for me at least, is that I fear my own femininity and my power as a woman. I don't know when your trauma happened (at what age) and what form it took, but if, like me, it related to the female aspect of you and was maybe connected with someone who also undermined your femininity, as well as sexuality, then not only will you have been numb and unaware of cues that other people read with ease (as I have been), but reclaiming those aspects of yourself is a really frightening process. My weight is up and down; my self-care has been awful at times. I am hypervigilant, as you say, but I simply fail to see or understand when someone is attracted to me, and the poor (decent) men involved have probably been bewildered.

Please keep your lovely long hair, keep doing all the positive things, be kind to yourself, and perhaps accept that you have hit another key aspect of your healing. I don't know if there are therapists who specifically deal with these aspects, or whether it comes under trauma therapy and I just haven't got there yet, but I guess it is time to address this with the right support.

Be brave, be powerful, and be your true self as a woman in all its aspects. And if you can't quite do that now, then treat yourself well on the way, as much as you can. You are certainly not alone.

 

[Meadowsweet]

This isn't stupid at all solara. It hits a nerve in me, because I am so ugly right now and the thought that people will look at me and see a ugly woman. But at the same time, like you, I am stupidly naive around people, and would never notice that I was being chatted up or groomed. I also realised that i feel guilt about attracting people, like I am guilty for attracting people who have gone onto abuse my body.

But I know that I've got it all wrong, and to make myself look and feel healthy seems like such a battle. I want to tell you that, to put you off going down the route of making yourself less attractive.

I don't know what to suggest to help you handle the attention, but I don't know the ways to deal with it.

Thank you for sharing this thread. It is a really poignant and relevant subject.

 

[Caterpillar]

Ugh. Unwanted attention from men is one of the (numerous) reasons I hate leaving the house. My PTSD doesn't even stem from an assault of any kind, but unwanted social interactions still raise my anxiety. I intentionally DON'T make myself up to look attractive and it still happens sometimes. So I don't think it's a stupid issue at all. It can be really triggering and upsetting. I tend to get angry and snap at anyone who pays too much attention to me. Like you, I was the wallflower type as a child and to this day am deeply uncomfortable with being the center of attention.

I also identify with putting yourself together on the outside more when you're in trouble on the inside. Back in January when I was going through my worst issues (the ones that so heavily exasperated my PTSD), everyone commented on how nice and classy I was suddenly dressing. It was motivated purely by fear. I was having to interact with medical professionals on a daily basis (long story) and I was terrified that if I didn't look and act perfectly together they would see the madness that was screaming through me on the inside and lock me up. It was a worse manifestation of the pattern I know I've gone through before where I suddenly pull my house and looks together in a desperate last-ditch effort to hide how terrible I'm doing.

 

[Tswevnz]

I think you need to learn and understand how much you affect people. Both for good and bad. Yesterday you came on my thread and ran me over with a bus. Then here you are - too sensitive to hear anything but nice pretty agreeing comments. Maybe you should think about how your comments on posts affects others , before asking the privilege to be treated with silk gloves yourself ?

So my advise to you in regards of this post: start with the inside - BY TREATING OTHERS THE WAY YOU EXPECT TO BE TREATED.

 

[Jane.l]

@Solara I think when we have sexual abuse in our history it also becomes very difficult to come to terms with our own sexuality and that of others . I think sexual attraction and anything sexual is so wrapped up in confusion and guilt and fear sometimes our natural reaction is to avoid. I am all over the place on this and do anything from nun to pole dancer ( not quite but you get where I am coming from ) currently only doing nun .

I think it's understandable you are wary of attracting attention our brains have taught us that it's dangerous and maybe that's what we need to challenge ?

 

[Deleted member 1860]

@Tswevnz

Whoa. This was completely uncalled for and is quite unappreciated. If you wanted a certain type of reply in your thread, you should have asked for it. I only wanted a certain type of reply in my thread so I asked for it. This is a sentiment that has been repeated over and over and over again on this forum. People are allowed to ask for certain types of replies and I did just that. You made no indication that you only wanted a certain type of reply so I replied in a way I saw fit. Right now its taking ALL I have not to rip you a new one as you have come into my thread and went against everything I SPECIFICALLY asked for and decided to be nasty to me. You haven't broken any forum rules as far as I can tell, but PLEASE LEAVE ME ALONE. It is EXTREMELY disrespectful to come into a thread when someone is at their worst, when the person says over and over and over again "please be nice because I can't take it" and then proceed to be nasty and put them down. I don't appreciate it. Perhaps you should learn some manners.

I will NOT address you again in this thread and I am asking mods to make sure it stays on track. Please keep to the subject and allow me to work through my issues without calling me out on what you perceive to be my shortcomings.

To everyone else, I need to come back later. I do want to reply but I am a bit upset right now as the topic of this thread is quite upsetting to me and I am really hurt that someone would come in here and throw something in my face that I did in another thread when they could have addressed me elsewhere, in another place that would have been more acceptable instead of when I openly admit to this being hard and thus at my most vulnerable. I hope you understand.