Appearances

[Echo]

@Solara - men and long hair! I'm 53 with long dark hair (I've only last year had to start colouring it to cover a bit of grey at my temples.). It is still the same. When I grow it long, it makes all the difference. I know now that however I've tried in the past to make myself ugly or believed I was, it hasn't kept men away. They do also see past appearances and get drawn to you as a person! But so many of them love long hair! Enjoy your hair and be as creative as you like with you what you wear.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I think after a lifetime of short hair, I need "how to style long hair for dummies". Or maybe YouTube will suffice lol

 

[Echo]

One really nice thing is argan oil. Keeps everything beautifully shiny and gets rid of any frizz. I've just ordered some organic Morroccan oil, which is meant to be the best. Really good for summer when your hair gets a bit hammered by the sun and swimming.

 

[Philippa]

Wow, I've been doing exactly the same thing lately...and I also dress down most of the time. I have since I was 20 and I'm nearly 40 now.

For the same reason as Echo (I think it was?) said...fear of my own power, fear of attracting the wrong kind of attention...and getting so used to moving under the radar and liking being invisible. I've noticed in the last couple of years that I really want to be seen though. I want to stand out...and I've been off relationships for so long, but I'm sick of that as well. I'm sick of my own company. I've had enough of being alone and whilst my cat gives me lots of cuddles and affection, it's just not the same.

I have trouble feeling comfortable with standing out though...and have for as long as I can remember. I hate drawing attention to myself, but I also want to attract the right people. Today, at work I dressed up and wore make up and one of the women I work with noticed and said she didn't recognise me, which felt nice.

I was happy at one stage dressing down, and not for self-esteem reasons...just because I wanted to feel comfortable and not have to attract anyone. I believe in what someone else was saying earlier, that attraction can occur on an energetic level mostly...and it doesn't matter as much what the person looks like. Cultivating inner beauty is definitely time well spent, but I also know I feel better when I do 'make the effort' despite being anti make up for years, and on the whole natural kick. I prefer not having to wear the mask, and I think that is what I've been doing lately as I'm going through a lot inside and having trouble with it. The mask can help me feel like no one will notice.

I also don't smile in public, and haven't for 20 years...as I just started getting weird guys thinking if I smiled at them it meant I wanted to f*ck them, or I was their girlfriend. If they didn't take things the wrong way it would be ok, but there's so many distorted perceptions out there, and the male friends I have...well, there's really only one guy I'm kinda into, but even he kinda repels me at times.

I was listening to a very interesting woman the other day on a podcast...her name is Zeena Lavey, and she was speaking about how dressing up to attract can bring a woman a lot of power in the sense that you get a lot of attention and the men will share lot of information, and knowledge, which is power. I'm aware of that, I just have trouble feeling comfortable with that power. It feels safer to move under the radar. I get male friends pitying me though, or saying "you're plain but you could be gorgeous if you wore some make up." Nice eh? I think I look all right just without make up, but it obviously highlights your features and can look good at times too.

I don't know? I'm in the same kind of pickle. I just want to be me and not worry about any of it.

 

[WillowMarie]

I hate to sound stupid, but girls who have always looked good are better equipped for dealing with the unwanted looks and attention simply because they've been able to practice doing so since a younger age

I disagree with this statement/opinion. I was complimented quite a bit when I was in junior high/high school, but I find it very awkward and uncomfortable when complete strangers compliment me. Well, just males actually. I find it creepy and uncomfortable.

There are also times when I think it is inappropriate for a male to show interest. Especially older men to younger females. I hate it when they stare at me and don't hide it. Gross. And those times when i walk by and I can see they are following me with there eyes. Makes me want to yell at them because they are being creepy.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

@WillowMarie,
So what you're saying is that you never learned a trick or two for dealing with unwanted behavior. I find this hard to believe as I've picked up a few tricks just recently. I said nothing about being ok with the way it makes you feel (in that quote), rather, I meant that over time one learns ways to deflect the behaviors and such. That is, keeping cool and confident instead of running and hiding in the janitors closet. Feelings are another thing and not something I addressed in that quote.

 

[Philippa]

Guys don't seem to think that doing this as strangers is a creepy thing though. They think it's their right to come up into a strangers personal space and tell them they are hot or whatever, and then think we just can't take a compliment. They often don't realise how creepy they come off as.

I do think more women need to get better at learning to accept compliments...but having said that, guys need to get better at knowing when to give one, and what actually constitutes a compliment.

 

[Britt.f7]

@Solara Please don't feel bad about how you feel. It is good to feel attractive, because that carries inward. I was uncomfortable with looks that men gave me and I think that is part of the reason I gained weight. I was told no one would want me if I was fat, while I was growing up. I think it is my protection. I really do not know how to turn off the looks you get. At least in the mind. It is so hard when you are hyper vigilant to do that. Now I hate how I look, but do you know, I still catch people looking but I think it is negative. Self esteem is so important. I hope you feel better. You deserve it.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Well, I've made the decision to just wear my hair up for the entire summer....no biggie, I did it for an entire year while I was growing out my hair and it really cut down on my prep time in the morning. Or, I'll wear it under my "Jennifer Aniston 'Good Girl'" hat.....its SOOO cute! And so summery! I do that when I want to hide. Throw on a pair of aviators and I look SO unapproachable its not even funny. It'll keep everybody away!

I wrote in my journal how I hate how superficial the world is. I am skinnier, people are nicer. I gained a lot of weight cuz it felt unsafe. Now I'm losing it for ME with the understanding that I will stay single and not get into having to worry if guys only like me cuz I look better (short answer---yes). Its easier to just cut it off at the pass so I can go on with my own life and live for me, regardless of how I look.

But for now, long hair pulled up every day or hidden under a hat with dark glasses. At least I'll be able to stay invisible until I lose enough weight where I just wear baggy clothes all the time.