General Are Joint Therapy Sessions Between Sufferers And Supporters A Good Thing?

[JohnJohn]

Meadowsweat,

My wife has not been diagnosed with ptsd and this and everything I say is a layman's attempt to make heads or tales of the situation, since my wife has not decided to seek assistance from a clinical psychologist.

But, these are the facts.

1-She had been physically and mentally abused by her first husband 20 years ago. An only recent full disclosure to me on the severity of the abuse.

2-She recently (Christmas) saw a guy that looked like this first husband and had a panic attack, where a friend had to escort her and take her home.

3-She told me she was unhappy and thinks I say and will act just like the first husband. So much so that when I told her I started going to domestic abuse counselling she asked me if I was going to start to hit her. (A question that to me was way outside the situation)

Now I certainly don't know what my wife has, but what I do believe is this. An experienced trauma likley has conditioned her to avoid all conflicts with her spouse, because in her mind disagreement equals violence. This compels her to loose her voice and suffer in silence, as she has done for years because loved ones didn't know her "language."

She felt like her voice and feelings didn't matter, because she learned through negative reinforcement it didn't.

Ptsd, like ADD and all other clinical terms from DSM-IV (soon to be dsm-v) are not all exact and fit every situation. Besides, everyone wants to categorize and lable things.

To the point, I don't know if she has ptsd but I know she has been hurt and it has and is effecting her. She has told me she doesn't want to feel this way, but she can't forget the past and right now I remind her of it.

She has a right to be whomever she wants to be, like we all do. I am just fighting and supporting her the best I can so she can find who that person is. I am here to give myself strength in a time where the wife and mother I love is no longer with us. I may not fit some definition either, just like she may not have ptsd, but what we all share here and in the real world is emotional pain from sources that are not truly within all of our control. We need to control our own lives and I don't believe my wife has had a fair chance at that.

I want my wife, daughter and myself to be happy. Together or apart we all deserve to be who we want to be and not be swayed from an otherwise free choice because of a past pain, trauma or memory that haunts us.

 

[Pale Warrior]

Hi John John,

Thank you for clarifying the situation.

1-She had been physically and mentally abused by her first husband 20 years ago. An only recent full disclosure to me on the severity of the abuse.

2-She recently (Christmas) saw a guy that looked like this first husband and had a panic attack, where a friend had to escort her and take her home.

3-She told me she was unhappy and thinks I say and will act just like the first husband. So much so that when I told her I started going to domestic abuse counselling she asked me if I was going to start to hit her. (A question that to me was way outside the situation)

While your wife has been through a traumatic period, I too am a survivor of DV, there is nothing in what you have said that would lead me to point at PTSD.

One panic attack and her (natural) fears about having a second abusive realtionship are hardly out of the norm for a DV survivor. Her question regarding you hitting her seems perfectly natural to me in the context it was asked.

As Meadow Sweet says, this kind of labeling is dangerous and could be classed as abusive in itself.

 

[Meadowsweet]

Not everybody who has experienced abuse will develop ptsd.

Her previous experiences may well mean that she doesn't respond forcefully in a relationship and this may be something that joint therapy might help.

It is a normal process that people learn habits and behaviours from their experiences. But this doesn't justify the assumption that she has ptsd.

Coming here and speaking as if she is a ptsd sufferer can't be helpful for you or your wife, because by providing false information to ask for advice means that the advice you get may be unhelpful or even harmful to you, your wife, your daughter and your relationships.

I don't know from this side of the screen what your intentions are, and I hope that therapy will help.

But, it is a common factor in abusive relationships for the dominant partner to tell the other that they are mentally unstable, imagining things, not in control of their thoughts etc. And that is psychologically abusive, with or without violence.

So when your wife says that you remind her of her ex, she may be telling you of a genuine issue that needs addressing within your relationship.

If you ignore it and blame that issue on her having ptsd, then it isn't being addressed. And her belief that she isn't being listened to is spot on.

In the same way, if there are things that make you angry about her behaviour, then say it as it is. In that way she can address it.

 

[JohnJohn]

Everyone's perspective helps me understand things. I have not told anyone other than my wife and parents about the domestic violence being a factor. You are all correct about not labelling her as having ptsd. I am prone to everyone else in labelling things and lumping it together.

I have not, nor do I put this all on my wife. I am trying to understand things as best I can. She has never communicated in a way I previously understood. Domestic counselling is opening my eyes to her language, so I can hear her.

Bottom line is that I do not care what she does or does not have. I am trying to understand and I am alone doing it, with the exception of here and therapy. She moved out and it is just me and our daughter. So I am leaving her alone trying to let her find her voice and empower herself.

I am only looking to better myself and not be hurt or hurt anyone. My wife is not here, just me and my thoughts trying to piece all of this together.

Everything here is similar, does it have to be the same, or clinically defined for it to help? I hope not, because it has helped me. I am not here to hurt, but to heal and everyone, regardless of blame deserves that.

 

[JohnJohn]

I am sorry if my words or position upsets anyone. I see your point in labelling something it maybe not and did not think of it from the perspective of controlling, but do now. I have a lot to think about from a personal perspective and good or bad, I have to accept my faults.

Thank you for everyone's wisdom, experience and perspective. I do not take lightly my responsibilities toward family, even if it means I am the one who needs to correct my faults.

 

[Pale Warrior]

JJ, we all, as supporters, make mistakes - we are human and falible.

I commend you for your efforts to understand and support your wife and, in acknowledging your humanity, you are moving forward.

While we are all here because of a lable, PTSD, the real reason is that we love and care for someone who is in a bad place and I, for one, want to support him better, to vent my frustrations and to link with others in shared experiences.

Some of our responses may seen hard, but we are saying what we see.

You need to focus on you and your daughter, the only two people you can do anything about. Your wife is an adult and will resolve her issues with or without you.

 

[Meadowsweet]

I see your point in labelling something it maybe not and did not think of it from the perspective of controlling, but do now. I have a lot to think about from a personal perspective and good or bad, I have to accept my faults.

Thank you for everyone's wisdom, experience and perspective. I do not take lightly my responsibilities toward family, even if it means I am the one who needs to correct my faults

I think it would be positive to put this into practise. On the success board of the ptsd section, there is a recommendation that a success should be something that is maintained over a period of time.

This is because in any self improvement there is a point where we find a new way of seeing things, but the hard work is learning to apply that new understanding to how we act and react to people and situations.

Everything here is similar, does it have to be the same, or clinically defined for it to help? I hope not, because it has helped me. I am not here to hurt, but to heal and everyone, regardless of blame deserves that.

The point of a clinical definition is to benefit the person who is asking for help and enable them to be prescribed the correct treatment.

With more research into ptsd, I hope you will realise that everything here is not similar. It may make you feel better to think of your relationship breakdown in terms of ptsd. But feeling better about something is not necessarily the way to heal the root cause of problems.

I understand your need to talk, but I think there are many more suitable forums where you may find people who are experiencing or have experienced relationship breakdowns. There are also website dealing directly with domestic abuse. I think understanding domestic abuse and relationships might be more beneficial that understanding ptsd at the moment.

 

[JohnJohn]

Meadowsweet,

I hear your strong feelings on this subject and I feel that your position is adversarial to me having a right to be here. I have said nothing factually wrong and have not misrepresented myself or situation. I am sure I am not the only person here that has not had some clinical diagnosis of their situation either. A label's origin may give it weight, but doesn't make it accurate or it any less real to those affected.

I am here only to learn, heal and do the best I can. Emotional pain is the root cause for being here. Now, if I everyone needs a permission slip to verify their case is ptsd, then aren't we being too restrictive especially when loved ones don't seek psychological help? People can and do circumvent mental health professionals by getting psychotropic drugs from their gynochologists.

Medowsweet, you have a very good point with ptsd labelling being over used and controlling against potential sufferers. I will remember that wisdom and perspective.

But, I do get something from being here and I plan on giving more than I take for what that its worth.

 

[amethist]

Hi JohnJohn

It is difficult to support a sufferer when they are not actively seeking help, it is also not a good idea for anyone other than a professional to diagnose PTSD.

Maybe the following thread will help you a bit more with this.

[DLMURL]https://www.ptsdforum.org/c/threads/self-diagnosis-is-not-an-option.13882/[/DLMURL]

No one here is saying your wife is not suffering, what they are saying is, please do not give her the diagnosis yourself.

There is also the other issue of your marriage, whether she does get the full PTSD diagnosis or not, she could be finding that the whole relationship is just too much for her to deal with, on top of her suffering. This is common too, as the Stress Cup thread also explains how good stress as well as bad can cause problems for sufferers.

[DLMURL]https://www.ptsdforum.org/c/threads/the-ptsd-cup-explanation.13737/[/DLMURL]

In the end you can only do what you think is best for yourself and your daughter, as your wife will only do what she thinks/knows is best for herself just now.

Taking care of your daughters and your own needs first, maybe all that is possible for now.

Amethist

 

[Meadowsweet]

Johnjohn, I mentioned more problem specific sites as a resource you might find useful. I'm not interested in the membership of the site.