Sexual Assault Are These Things Sexual Abuse?

[EvenStrongerNow]

Are these things considered sexual abuse? I'm having a struggle determining that since I was physically there and went along with things.

Four things:

1. When I was 17, I had a boyfriend who constantly pressured me to have threesomes with him. I didn't like it at all but he wouldn't stop pressuring me. Afterward, I felt dirty and ashamed.
2. Another time at age 17, the same boyfriend pressured me into having sex with him in front of other people. He said they were going to give us money. Again, I didn't want to. I felt so dirty and ashamed.
3. Also at age 17, an older man and his prison buddies (I just went to their house because a guy I was dating was supposed to be there). They offered me a drink--one wine cooler. Next thing I know, they are pressuring me to strip for them and they promised me money. I did it, felt so dirty and ashamed. They didn't end up giving me money. That night, I remember something weird happening after drinking one wine cooler.

I don't remember much of the night except for passing out on a couch. I have memories of some guy trying to touch me and I kept saying no. I remember feeling his mouth on me, on my vagina but I don't remember. I just remember that I kept saying no and he kept trying to force himself on me. I woke up naked and I remember having clothes on when I passed out.

I think I was drugged that night or something because I did end up telling my mom about what happened. I knew she had experiences growing up and knew I could trust her. She did the opposite of what I expected. She had me at the police station. The police officer knew the guy because he had been in prison. He said, "Tell me what happened and I'll have him put back in prison." I couldn't get myself to do it. I was so ashamed, felt so humiliated. I ran out of the office.

My mom saw the guy later walking down the street. She told me she jumped on him and started hitting him. When he got her off of him, he said to her, "It's not my fault your daughter had a little ecstasy in her drink." So that leads me to believe that maybe that's what happened after having that one wine cooler. I don't know if they put anything in it or what it was.

4. When I was 22, I had a boyfriend who constantly constantly pressured me for sex (24/7), to watch pornography, touched me when I didn't want it, constantly bothered me about having threesomes or pressuring me to have sex with other people. He couldn't go to sleep unless he had an orgasm so he would bother me at night. I became so frigid and bitter about it. He would sometimes have nights where all he wanted to do was watch porn, have sex. I didn't want to but I did some things I was so ashamed of and still am. There were nights when he had porn running on both computers and the tv and he wouldn't stop masturbating. It was horrifying.

After the things that happened to me at age 17, I was really really promiscuous and I had such low self esteem. I noticed that I would come on to guys and right up until the point of sex and then I would say no. They would get mad at me so I would go through with it even though I didn't want to. When I was 22, I became a stripper for a short period of time. I felt so ashamed.

Then at age 25, I worked at a private stripper place. I did things that I'm really ashamed of.

These are all things I've been so ashamed of for so many years. I've been carrying so much shame around with me. I feel dirty.

 

[saoirserylyn]

Yes many of those situations are considered sexual abuse. Some of them are reactions to having been sexually abused.

Before I learned that I had ptsd and long before I recalled much of my trauma (there were a lot of black spots in my past), I was involved in stripping, running an adult website, having sex for money, multiple partners and multiple rapes.

I always avoided a bad situation by ending up in bad situations. It's a vicious cycle. I am unsure that I caught how old you are now, but are these long in the past or just recently being addressed?

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

Hi, thanks for your message. I will be 30 next month. I have not addressed these things, no. They are just coming up recently in a new light. They have come up before but I always pushed them back down because of the shame.

 

[Deleted member 19804]

Yes, yes, yes and yes. I am so sorry that happened to you, but you are not alone. I know how you feel and I can really relate. It must be really confusing to know you've worked as a stripper after you'd been through so much sexual abuse. Not to mention the feelings of shame. But it was NOT your fault. Please don't ever think that it was. Even if you are in a relationship with someone, forcing someone to do sexual things they don't want to do is sexual abuse. A person has to notice when their partner doesn't want it and has to respect that choice. Especially your boyfriend.

But all this doesn't mean you wanted or deserved any of what you've been through. You were hurt by people you trusted and did things under pressure that you would not have done if they hadn't forced you (and coercion is not only measured in physical pressure!). It's very possible that at some point you were so used to the abuse and had such low self-esteem that working as a stripper seemed logical to you. But it wasn't something you chose. If I may speak for myself, I know I've "let" guys do things I didn't want because I no longer believed I could or deserved to get anything better.

And I think it is a very great step that you're starting to face these memories. It's something I have yet to do, but I'm sure one day I'll get there too.

A big cyber-hug for you!

 

[Echo]

Yes, it was sexual abuse, no question. Every single person on this earth, man and woman, including all sex workers of any kind, have the right to have their personal safety respected. No-one should be raped or coerced in any way.

Please don't let shame get in the way of allowing yourself to seek help. No wonder you are utterly confused. Rape and sexual abuse goes beyond the physical; it messes with your personal sense of identity and self worth. You did nothing wrong.

As a survivor myself, I do understand how deep these feelings of self-disgust and loathing go. But they should all belong to the perpetrators.

 

[joeygn72]

It's not so much if we view them as abuse. Do YOU feel they constitute an abusive situation???

 

[billie]

Sorry those things happened to you. He took away so much from you. The answer is yes. A good step for recovery is to reconize it too. You are very brave to write this down, I admire your courage.

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

Thanks for your responses and for your support everyone.

 

[violetclouds]

You were hurt by people you trusted and did things under pressure that you would not have done if they hadn't forced you (and coercion is not only measured in physical pressure!).

I needed to hear that - thank you Snowwhite - I had someone 'pressure' me into sexual things and while the person didn't beat me, he did pressure me and he did use his own strength to kind of 'push' me. I have been disbelieved because he didn't beat the h*** out of me or something so no one believed I had been forced.