So, when people ask, are you thinking of harming yourself? In a way, yes. But in a way, no. I'm not ready to act on them, but hell yes I am thinking about it. But that's not what they mean. The average person wants to know if intent and if I have set out a plan.
Like you said in your last sentence, here - "are you thinking of harming yourself" is a really loaded question. But, saying "I'll be fine" is not at all a lie, if you are not planning to act. It's sometimes the best thing to say, especially to someone you don't want to get into a deeper level of disclosure with.
You're also right, about what is really being asked (even if they don't know this is what they are actually asking). It's:
Do you have a plan?
Do you have access to means?
Do you have a timeline?
And for some people, it's also OK to answer in this level of detail.
Sometimes, part of the struggle of suicidal ideation is (for the sufferer) in getting 'caught' between not wanting to downplay or minimize how intensely bad they are feeling, but also not wanting to have their options taken away from them. I think that's what you are saying here:
Even if I said yes, I'm struggling rn..what would they do? Admit me to the hospital and pump me full of drugs. That's all.
Yes, I'm struggling - followed by nothing else - could mean intervention. And that's not a bad thing.
"Yes, I'm struggling, but I don't have any intention of putting a plan into motion, and I know I don't want to die, I'm really wishing there could be some relief. I know death isn't the answer." - this kind of statement is really effective with both clinicians and laypeople. Just offering it up, as someone who lives with this internal tug-of-war about just how suicidal is 'dangerously suicidal'. It can help to be able to be honest about how much you are hurting. You just also need to be honest about where you are at, in terms of acting on a plan. And it's also very good to articulate that thought:
I don't actually want to die. I'm not ready. That's very important.
I don't need anyone who doesn't know what they are doing messing things up anymore in the name of 'trying to help'
I hear that.
There is one person in my life who knows nearly the depth to which I struggle with suicidal thinking. They know as much as I'd trust a lay-person to know. And, I wasn't willing to talk with them about those feelings without also letting them talk to my therapist. Which was a little scary....but my therapist knows the real depth of all of it, and he's (a) very experienced/knowledgeable on suicide management, and (b) very experienced/knowledgeable about
me.
I wanted to give that person a link to my therapist, so that they can understand how disclosure works between he and I, and so they don't have that pressure sitting on them of being 'the only one who knows'. If there was ever a situation where this friend was really deeply worried, and I'm not talking, they can call my therapist. I would rather have my therapist intervene, even if it means them calling emergency services for me - because we've spent enough time navigating these thoughts, and my T isn't easily frightened.
I'm sorry you're struggling. I know it's hard.
