Argh! They Are Going To Use My Time Up! Vent

[Rennie]

I have therapy session tomorrow, much needed as I tried to commit suicide last week after my world all come tumbling down around my ears. ( spur of the moment, not suicidal anymore) and need to debrief

I had an issue at work ( I work remote for a 15 day stint) where I didn't sleep for 5 days and the medics ended up giving me valium and now they have recomended that I am too much of risk to continue the work I do and LOVE! A huge over reaction!

But anyway the way to get back there is for my boss to talk to my psychologist, GP, and psychiatrist but my boss is so chatty and she's going to end up using the whole hour and I really need that hour.

AHRG it's not fair. If the boys at work hadn't put those centrefolds up to begin with I would never have stopped sleeping.

 

[joeylittle]

Does your therapist know about your suicide attempt? And would it actually be better for you to take a short leave from work so you can focus on yourself for a bit, or is that not a reasonable option for you?

 

[Rennie]

Yeah she know, I flew home, took all the tablets expecting to die but when I didn't I when to my appointment with her the next day and mentioned it to her during our session as as I couldn't remember how many tablets I had taken she called in the Drs who put me in hospital for 5 days just to keep an eye on my heart.

No my family doesn't know about my PTSD at all so I couldn't take anytime off, and work really is calmer than here :)

 

[joeylittle]

Can you ask your therapist for an additional session, and explain to her the situation with the work review? Or maybe give yourself the first ½ hour of the session, and then let your boss get involved?

Just throwing out some ideas. But it strikes me as a really good idea to make sure you can get the debrief time you need.

 

[Rennie]

Yeah I rang and gave her a heads up and she's okay with it, it's so dam expensive! Thanks they are great ideas

 

[Cassey]

I know what your thinking is about work, I have been going through this shit for last 8 mths now and not had time of work even thou some days were very bad. You have got to talk to your boss, it maybe they let you finish early some days if need be. What therphy are you having?

 

[Rennie]

Yeah I fly out to location at work at no one can contact me and it's pure bliss I can be true to my self, crazy as that is some days. Just talk therapy at the moment.

 

[NovemberStar]

With all due respect, I don't think you not being at work for a while would be a bad idea. That your taking all your tablets when highly distressed and not sleeping, and then within a few days to be 'ok' again to me points to you being really unstable - and unpredictable - making it a lot harder for your team to know how you really are. It would almost be a better sign of your mental health if you had remained low mood or distressed because for your treatment providers, it would at least be a little more predictable.

That is was an incident at WORK that triggered your nit keeping which in turn lead to you overdosing / trying to commit suicide, can you really not see that being back at work right now would potentially risk you being triggered again and responding in an unpredictable way or overdosing again?

From what you're shared, it seems your team care for you and don't want to put you in a situation where you will be at additional risk right now.

In your OWN WORDS you say you 'tried to kill yourself' and the way you describe it it seems like you don't realise the seriousness of the situation. You tried to kill yourself - it wasn't that you nearly broke your leg or your mood dropped a little due to lack of sleep.

When your life is potentially at risk, when you have VERY RECENTLY tried to kill yourself, how the heck can ANY response by those around you, be considered "an over-reaction"????

No matter what job you (or anyone else in the same position as you in terms of a suicide attempt) are in, it would be more ABNORMAL to go straight back to work and carry on like nothing happened. At the very least, yr suicide attempt demonstrates you need a higher level of care and that you are in fact, really quite unwell and in need of more intensive help and support. To think you 'could' simply carry on like nothing happened is unrealistic.

As I said - you tried to kill yourself - it's not a broken leg. Heck, even a SPRAINED ANKLE would require more time off work and a longer delay in going back to work than an overdose and suicide attempt.

I'd really encourage you to take the time off work and work with your team to create a crisis plan, practice coping skills, and to focus on getting well and more stable.

[DOUBLEPOST=1405935354,1405935272][/DOUBLEPOST]And I said all at before realising you would be working in an extremely isolated situation....alone....

 

[Rennie]

NovemberStar...in the back of my logical brain I can hear myself agreeing with you. Please understand I am not trying undervalue my health but I live a complicated double life and work has always been my sanctuary and when they seemed to have taken that away from me I did something stupid and I was lucky.

I really don't know what is going to happen anyway.

 

[Cassey]

I wish I had taken time off work as probably would gave been further on with my recovery by now

 

[Friday]

On the flip side... Not working has pushed me over the edge on more than one occasion. Without purpose, and direction, and structure... I went completely off the reservation.

That said... There are times where work keeps me sane by providing that purpose, direction, and structure... And times where if I don't take a break, I'll crack up simply for a break.

Great. 180 degrees of "what the heck do I do now???"

I can't answer for anyone else... But the best balance I've found in my own life is to be really firm. Meaning when the crisis hits, I need to be working. That's when people "want" to help. They want to give you time off, cut slack. Etc. I've learned that I need to take them up on that... Later. To tell them I (gushing thanks) and I'm going to hold them to that in about a month or three. The firm part is when I feel myself start to crack up to say

"Hey, Joe. Remember when _____ died, my house blew up, whatever?"
"Yeah."
"I need to take those weeks off, now."

99x out of 100... They won't want to do it. (The 100th time Joe is a former cop, or whatever and gets processing in slow motion / delayed reactions). But the 99x it's "Can you wait until __________? (The project launch, Sally comes back from Vacation, Mike is off paternity leave, we get a new guy trained up. Whatever makes leaving for an 'emergency' inconvenient, because it's no longer considered an emergency in most people's minds). We really can't afford to lose you right now. Do your bit. And a whole bunch of flattery + guilt to convince me not to take compassionate or emergency leave."

So I need to be firm. As if devastating even JUST happened... And I'm told to take a few weeks off. Because if I don't, I will crack up as if it just happened to a normal person who would never be asked to work the day after tragic event happened. That's just how my brain works.

It's taken me awhile to learn this about myself.

But now that I know it? It means that I need to do what I need to do. Either keep,working, or literally leave mid shift (better, yet, phone in).

_______

I don't know what's true for you.
I would strongly recommend talking with your T so that you don't fool yourself into a disaster.
If you don't take care of yourself, you're no good to anybody.
And learning the hard way... Is a lot more difficult than erring on the side of caution.

 

[scout86]

@FridayJones , that delayed time off is a brilliant idea, I'm going to use it!