Arguing As A Trigger?

[Anna]

Happens to me too, but my partner shouts and screams at me. Sometimes to the point of me becoming hysterical and breaking down, they would not stop shouting even if I was crying. Was like living with a drill sgt.

I learned to cope with it by emotional numbing. Trying to control how I feel and thinking logically. It was the only way to survive for me.
The best thing to do, is walk away. Go for a walk somewhere, when you feel like it is getting too much. Tell them it is enough, to stop and you need some fresh air.

 

[unalaa]

My ex-husband loves to argue. I don't. He is a very angry person. He used his anger at the world to try and control every aspect of his life including me and our children. We've been divorced for 13 years, but the arguing and directed anger didn't stop after that.

We've moved away from him and in many ways things have gotten better, but now I've noticed that I'm still very easily triggered in that anyone's anger feels directed at me, even if it isn't and I respond accordingly by either shutting down or fighting back. I do recognize this and have been working on reducing my emotional responses.

Like Anna, I learned to cope by numbing myself and trying to think logically and in a problem-solving manner. Getting away from it by walking away or spending time in a favorite quiet spot really helps me regroup and get perspective. This may not be the best way to deal with it, but it works for me.

 

[Meadowsweet]

Arguing is a trigger for me. Also anger (even if its between other people)

But, quiet remarks and hints that I'm doing something wrong are even more triggering.

 

[unalaa]

... I thought of another kind of argumentative trigger that makes me go numb and that is my ex used to make jokes about women being subservient to men. Like when Archie Bunker would yell from the living room for Edith, his wife, to get him a beer (for those of you old enough to remember that)? He thought he was hilarious when he'd do something like that and he did it to provoke an argument with me and he really did expect me to do whatever it was he demanded, although he would laugh it off if I would refuse. There was always that underlying tension, like you do it because I said so... not to mention he usually said stuff like that in front of his friends and I would feel so humiliated.

 

[maddog]

Funny thing, aggression and overt conflict is very triggering for me, but as MeadowSweet said, it is the quiet, subtle, biting, manipulative kind of criticism and psychological attack that really tips me over the cliff. I fear the smiling assassin every bit as much as I fear the dog fighter.

Maddog

 

[shell]

For me it's one of my worst triggers, my mother and father would often argue before she would belt the shit out of me.

My husband and son were arguing about his homework tonight, and I had to walk out of the room because I was overloaded.

I ended up crying, in the bedroom, because I can't stand anger, even when justified, the loud voices just overwhelm me. Even though they weren't being nasty, they were each really determined to get their point across. Really need to work on that!

<Edited for paragraph breaks>

 

[PTSD sufferer]

Happens to me too, but my partner shouts and screams at me. Sometimes to the point of me becoming hysterical and breaking down, they would not stop shouting even if I was crying. Was like living with a drill sgt.

I know this one too well Anna. Sometimes people get into fits of rage, and can't even see you. I remember crying my heart out begging him to stop calling me names and just leave me alone. I would grab his hands and put them on my face and say look at me, I'm crying, you have achieved what you set out to achieve. You can stop now. He looked shocked for a second then, just kept calling me names and putting me down. It is something I will never forget, and when he starts dominating me and lashing out at me, well I want to curl into a ball and just disappear. He is in therapy how to deal with his rage and the source of his rage (his family).

Arguing is a trigger for me. Also anger (even if its between other people)

But, quiet remarks and hints that I'm doing something wrong are even more triggering.

I understand all too well Meadowsweet, its much worse than arguing. My father always made quite remarks, and this subtle abuse was well designed to get at me but be seen from outsiders as him being quite pleasant. My hubby's father is an overt abuser (calls it a talent) but my father, well he is much, much worse, because it is so subtle. We need to readjust the subtle negative things people say as being their own insecurities, and counter all of these comments with the many proofs we have internally that what they are saying is untrue. Its not easy to do, but we need to keep practising providing counter argument to these snide little negative comments. It is their problem and their insecurities, not ours that make them that way.

... I thought of another kind of argumentative trigger that makes me go numb and that is my ex used to make jokes about women being subservient to men... not to mention he usually said stuff like that in front of his friends and I would feel so humiliated.

I hear you. I was completely humiliated and still am when people do this. This sort of degrading, humiliating, dominating behaviour used to have me in self-degrading, confidence sapping mode, now I fight response it. I turn it back on them now, with logical argument they can be seen to be the fool they are.

PS xxoo

 

[Srain]

Arguing is a trigger for me too, depending on who it is coming from. I am working on it. It does not trigger me to get scared though, it makes me aggressive. I get very aggressive and that is something I have struggled with for a long time.

This is me, despite what's happened to me. This is what I'm working on. It is workable and doable. I'm working on not checking out into Rage Land and taking my whole life out on who's in front of me. It takes looking at what I feel threatened by and most likely, for me, it's not feeling heard, feeling invisible, that what I have to say or what I think doesn't count.

Those little digging remarks or back-handed compliments (my mother's specialty) are slow burn pain.

 

[Meadowsweet]

I understand all too well Meadowsweet, its much worse than arguing. My father always made quite remarks, and this subtle abuse was well designed to get at me but be seen from outsiders as him being quite pleasant. My hubby's father is an overt abuser (calls it a talent) but my father, well he is much, much worse, because it is so subtle. We need to readjust the subtle negative things people say as being their own insecurities, and counter all of these comments with the many proofs we have internally that what they are saying is untrue. Its not easy to do, but we need to keep practising providing counter argument to these snide little negative comments. It is their problem and their insecurities, not ours that make them that way.

I think for me, it's not so much what is said in the remarks. But the feeling behind the remarks is like an unseen threat. It triggers the anticipation of something awful about to happen and puts me on high alert.

 

[AngelaMarie]

Arguing is a huge stressor for me. I had an argument with H yesterday because he was talking down to me. A behaviour from the past. I got so tense I had back and shoulder pain so bad I was miserable. Today I am sick. So, it definately does cause problems.

 

[PTSD sufferer]

I think for me, it's not so much what is said in the remarks. But the feeling behind the remarks is like an unseen threat. It triggers the anticipation of something awful about to happen and puts me on high alert.

Sorry I misunderstood Meadowseet. What are you worried about happening? Is it rational?

There is a thing we sometimes do called 'predictive worry cycles'? It is when we get into a cycle of worrying so much that we remember all the things that went wrong and that increases our anxiety. When we increase our anxiety, we become unwell. So we need to keep these worry cycles in check to stay well. I am very, very good at this, and although I am getting better with it, I have a long way to go.

Arguing is a huge stressor for me. I had an argument with H yesterday because he was talking down to me. A behaviour from the past. I got so tense I had back and shoulder pain so bad I was miserable. Today I am sick. So, it definately does cause problems.

I am sorry you are feeling unwell AngelaMarie. Take care of you xxoo

 

[Philippa]

It's interesting that I found this thread tonight.

Just yesterday, I had a couple of interactions, with a total stranger whom I applied to a job he advertised...and from the very beginning he was aggro. My phone credit ran out half way through the conversation, and I hate it when that happens. I ran out and bought new credit, even though I don't have the money to spend on that stuff right now, just so I could call him back so he wouldn't think I deliberately hung up on him.

He texted me asking if I hung up on him? I said "No, my credit ran out"...and after a few more interactions, where he was giving me the attitude where he was a very busy man and had too much to do so could I just send him an email with pics, and not call. The prideful part of me replied that I too had things to do and was busy, to assert that my time is also important, and I got a very aggressive reply from him telling me to F off!

I said that there was no need for that, and it was undeserved and called him names back in return. I realize this wasn't the best way to do things, but it felt satisfying at the time. Later he emailed me trying to get me to engage with him, by asking me strange questions like "Wanna know what I'm scared of?" and I would reply, "Not really, I just want an apology", and he would go on to say "Polar Bears because they run faster, are bigger and can tear him apart when they catch him?"

It was a most unusual interaction, mainly because I didn't know him. He is a total stranger...and I wondered why I continued to engage with him...but it was the work I was after. I said to him that the way he spoke ot me was unnacceptable and that I wouldn't work for him if he paid twice what he was offering...which seemed to only make him more determined to win my favor back by making humorous stories up about polar bears and visits to the north pole???

He also proceeded to say he could see me for an interview, and it appeared that he had calmed down at that point. He also asked me if I drank wine...which I thought was really weird?? I said it wasn't a date, it was a job interview...but it felt like he was trying to pick me up after that? I think he was totally psychopathic now?:eek:

I realized how much I was triggered by the argument between us previously, and it was very hard for me to walk away...but I did after he said some other stuff which really put me down...but not before I took another piece out of him. He provoked me so much, and part of me felt good letting off steam that way, but later I felt disappointed in myself for not just walking away...for giving him my precious time.

I get so easily roped into conflict it seems. I used to hate it so much...but then I started to view it in a different way, and could see the growth it can bring...and that it's natural for there to be conflict in life, and to avoid it is impossible. It's better to learn how to face it and deal with it head on, to improve the way I communicate in those situations.

Obviously I have a way to go before I master it, but it always provides me with lessons. Shame I had to create such bad energy in the process, and let some shmuck get the better of me, and pollute my world with his own vitriol.