Arguing As A Trigger?

[Middle of Nowhere]

Thank you one and all for sharing on this topic. Again I feel so less alone, and I have hope I can learn how to deal with arguments on any level.

 

[MouseWedger]

I find that arguments with my husband are a trigger for me as well. (Possibly it's just a sufferers experience that arguments can get out of control that makes them so triggering, not the act itself?) We are from very different backgrounds so arguments are pretty common between us while we learn to change our views for the other. I find that as soon as I am triggered, if I try to acknowledge the situation instead of pushing it away it seems to help.

For example, one night we were arguing about something, I can't even remember what, and he slammed his fist on the counter to make a point about noise or something, and I started to dissociate. He never even realized that he had triggered me, but when I felt myself slipping and the rocking back and forth started, I had to force myself to acknowledge that he had triggered something. I made myself mentally say "Yes. This is a real argument, but he isn't her. This is my husband not Devil Lady." Then I made myself look at him and not the floor, focused in on his eyes to prove to myself who he really was, and to know he meant me no harm.

By forcing myself to acknowledge a trigger, to accept the past in that moment, and to realize that I am not in that place anymore but am now in a safe environment, I was able to pull myself back into reality and gain the ability to say to him "Penguins. We've got Penguins" and he knew to change the subject. ("Penguins" is my safe word for him, a word to let him know I've been triggered and to change the topic.)

 

[AngelaMarie]

Mouse, you handled the situation with your husband perfect!:tup: I will remember that!

 

[chrys]

I also hate arguing. They made me nervous. Especially between close family members.

 

[heidi]

I feel very bad for people on this forum who have to put up with bs from their partners. Oh I'm glad he never raises his voice or gets disrespectful. That's very good. You're probably just afraid that he will so you're understandably protecting yourself. Being in heightened state where you feel like you have to protect yourself is very stressful.

 

[Anna]

Mine will also often use my illness against me, calling me crazy etc... It is really enough tbh. I am not sure how much longer I will put up with the bs.

 

[heidi]

Mine will also often use my illness against me, calling me crazy etc... It is really enough tbh. I am not sure how much longer I will put up with the bs.

I don't know your entire situation, but I think when people try to deny your reality that's a really bad situation.

 

[Gina C.]

I can completely relate. The best thing I do which I don't know if it'll help is try to distract yourself with something else until you have calmed down enough to talk with him. That's what I do and it helps, I usually clean, cook or bake. I hope this helped

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Arguing is a hugh trigger for me. I get tense and hypervigilant. I try to remain calm. It is very hard for me to listen and hear the other person in the arguement. I have to work very hard on being calm and standing my own ground. I am having success tho. I would always give in before, because I couldn't deal with the stress of the arguement. But people are going to have a difference of opinion. I have a hard time with the below the belt comments. I have a hard time with sarcasm. I have a hard time with anger.

It is very difficult to stand my own ground. I have learned that by standing my own ground, and remaining calm helps me to find a compromise or if it is really important refuse to be pushed away from what I need or want. i have allowed myself to be bullied and buried because I was so afraid of someones anger. Now I know that I am worth fighting for. And If I don't stand up for myself no one else is going to. It took me years to get to this place.

Before it used to completely level me. I was devastated. I speculated and assumed two dangerous things to do. I do not know if this helps or not. Take what you like and leave the rest.

I am sorry you are going thru this but it does eventually get better. depending on how strong you are it may not take you as long as it took me. You are worth fighting for.