silkleaves
Gold Member
Hello everyone, I read through some posts until I had to join to keep reading, and after taking a look around, thought this seemed like a great supportive group and decided to introduce myself. I can't really get into what led me up to this point in my life... but I can write about the aftermath. I'm a single mom, in my late 30's and I've been living with PTSD for about 20yrs now, but was only diagnosed last year, both with PTSD and MDD.
Up til this point, I was doing "wonderfully", meaning...I'd learned to cope by tossing everything in a box and pretending it didn't exist. Then, four years ago I went through a breakup that completely devastated me...sure it was a bad breakup, but still, I took it a lot harder than I should have. I completely snapped, didn't trust myself around anyone, lost my job, nearly got evicted, and completely withdrew. After 2 years of this I was online trying to find out what was wrong with me, and it took me another year after losing touch with everyone in my life before I sought help.
Through my diagnosis, and therapy, I learned that my breakup didn't start it, it broke the dam so to speak. I lost my ability to cope in the way I had taught myself to...I lost my ability to avoid and suddenly I was feeling everything that I blocked out and tried not to feel or think about all these years. I just couldn't do it anymore. I went from being the super happy totally supportive friend, to the person no one could depend on or talk to, because I kept disappearing for months at a time. Suddenly, stuff I hadn't thought about in years, that I never wanted to think about or have to deal with was in my face all the time. I became a complete wreck.
I told my best friend about my diagnosis, hoping for support and she said there's no way I could have PTSD because I've "never seen someone killed or been to war" that I'm the happiest person she knows, I'm just going through a tough time and that I'll get over it. I put up such a huge wall for so many years, the me I showed everyone isn't me at all. I've never liked myself, but now I can't even pretend to be that person everyone thinks I am anymore. I'm going on 4 years of feeling the full brute strength of this, and not only is "just get over it" not an option, I keep getting worse. And it feels horrible that the people I trusted to talk to, think it's no big deal. But then, I hide everything, so no one knows just how much this has affected my life.
I don't trust myself...I used to never get upset or offended, everything went in my box and I didn't let anything bother me but now, either I can spend *weeks* seething with anger over some random thing and my brain wont stop spinning around it, or I completely shut down, hours...a day or two even, can go by and I have no idea where that time went or what I did or if I ate or anything. I've always had insomnia and don't sleep more than 4 or 5hrs if I sleep at all, but now I have to keep busy all the time, because I cant give myself time to think about anything, or it will completely consume me.
I think too much and I cant stand it because I get so overwhelmed with the feeling that I'm completely hopeless. I've been divorced for 12 years, haven't been in a relationship in 4 years, cant hold a job, feel like the worst mother ever (with, I may add, the most supportive and understanding kid ever) but if I think about it too long, I resign myself it to that there is nothing else out there for me. And I really wish I could get my wall back to put up, and my box back to stuff everything into so that I could go back to pretending, at least I was able to face the world on some level that way.
I'm sorry, I think I went from not knowing what to say, to saying too much. I guess in short, Im one of those who dealt, by not dealing...and now its all coming back to haunt me after so many years. And its really scary to realize, that the way I coped, what helped me all these years, was actually hurting me. I'm wary about going back to therapy because I still feel horrible for missing my group sessions and getting kicked out of it, and though I was on meds that wasn't working for me...they kept telling me its not instant, but after a year on them, having my dose upped, then getting frustrated and stopping them, I feel absolutely no difference. I'm not ready right now, but I know at some point I will have to try again.
What has helped immensely is meditation...I still have a hard time recognizing my triggers, but when I realize that I'm having a moment (not sure how else to say it) I make myself do guided meditation, or do some grounding exercises, and am able to bring myself back down again. Sometimes it takes a couple hours, or a couple days...but that is a huge improvement over the times when I couldn't get off the couch for a week or two, and I actually have a couple days here and there where I can touch bases with friends just to say hi and stay connected.
But I still feel so alone. My sister, a friend of mine, and another friend who tosses me work so I can stay afloat here know, but are not comfortable with it, so it's not something we ever talk about. I feel really alone in this... and yeah, I do hope that being here will help me on some level. Thank you for reading this.
Up til this point, I was doing "wonderfully", meaning...I'd learned to cope by tossing everything in a box and pretending it didn't exist. Then, four years ago I went through a breakup that completely devastated me...sure it was a bad breakup, but still, I took it a lot harder than I should have. I completely snapped, didn't trust myself around anyone, lost my job, nearly got evicted, and completely withdrew. After 2 years of this I was online trying to find out what was wrong with me, and it took me another year after losing touch with everyone in my life before I sought help.
Through my diagnosis, and therapy, I learned that my breakup didn't start it, it broke the dam so to speak. I lost my ability to cope in the way I had taught myself to...I lost my ability to avoid and suddenly I was feeling everything that I blocked out and tried not to feel or think about all these years. I just couldn't do it anymore. I went from being the super happy totally supportive friend, to the person no one could depend on or talk to, because I kept disappearing for months at a time. Suddenly, stuff I hadn't thought about in years, that I never wanted to think about or have to deal with was in my face all the time. I became a complete wreck.
I told my best friend about my diagnosis, hoping for support and she said there's no way I could have PTSD because I've "never seen someone killed or been to war" that I'm the happiest person she knows, I'm just going through a tough time and that I'll get over it. I put up such a huge wall for so many years, the me I showed everyone isn't me at all. I've never liked myself, but now I can't even pretend to be that person everyone thinks I am anymore. I'm going on 4 years of feeling the full brute strength of this, and not only is "just get over it" not an option, I keep getting worse. And it feels horrible that the people I trusted to talk to, think it's no big deal. But then, I hide everything, so no one knows just how much this has affected my life.
I don't trust myself...I used to never get upset or offended, everything went in my box and I didn't let anything bother me but now, either I can spend *weeks* seething with anger over some random thing and my brain wont stop spinning around it, or I completely shut down, hours...a day or two even, can go by and I have no idea where that time went or what I did or if I ate or anything. I've always had insomnia and don't sleep more than 4 or 5hrs if I sleep at all, but now I have to keep busy all the time, because I cant give myself time to think about anything, or it will completely consume me.
I think too much and I cant stand it because I get so overwhelmed with the feeling that I'm completely hopeless. I've been divorced for 12 years, haven't been in a relationship in 4 years, cant hold a job, feel like the worst mother ever (with, I may add, the most supportive and understanding kid ever) but if I think about it too long, I resign myself it to that there is nothing else out there for me. And I really wish I could get my wall back to put up, and my box back to stuff everything into so that I could go back to pretending, at least I was able to face the world on some level that way.
I'm sorry, I think I went from not knowing what to say, to saying too much. I guess in short, Im one of those who dealt, by not dealing...and now its all coming back to haunt me after so many years. And its really scary to realize, that the way I coped, what helped me all these years, was actually hurting me. I'm wary about going back to therapy because I still feel horrible for missing my group sessions and getting kicked out of it, and though I was on meds that wasn't working for me...they kept telling me its not instant, but after a year on them, having my dose upped, then getting frustrated and stopping them, I feel absolutely no difference. I'm not ready right now, but I know at some point I will have to try again.
What has helped immensely is meditation...I still have a hard time recognizing my triggers, but when I realize that I'm having a moment (not sure how else to say it) I make myself do guided meditation, or do some grounding exercises, and am able to bring myself back down again. Sometimes it takes a couple hours, or a couple days...but that is a huge improvement over the times when I couldn't get off the couch for a week or two, and I actually have a couple days here and there where I can touch bases with friends just to say hi and stay connected.
But I still feel so alone. My sister, a friend of mine, and another friend who tosses me work so I can stay afloat here know, but are not comfortable with it, so it's not something we ever talk about. I feel really alone in this... and yeah, I do hope that being here will help me on some level. Thank you for reading this.
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