My spouse has discouraged me from being on the forum since he saw a high correlation between time spent on it and negative mood. The reality is having those "hard conversations" within oneself (and doing the forum "is that") does exact a certain cost when it exceeds my coping skills.
I'd like to be able to process my toxic shame and traumas in some small, digestible bits, along with perfect coping techniques, but sometimes life's a marathon.
In going through a 48 hour PTSD symptom relapse, and coming back out, I am aware of how exposed I felt in my traumas. This is something I was aware of in the past but I guess not ready to process.
Now I see my problems with clothing (getting dressed in the morning and the depression it can bring on) and having a public persona, as well as planning for these, as well as leaving the house and how I use greater stress than the inherent stress of just leaving the house.
I see how exposure, being stood Naked in front of my rapists, being photographed naked by perps, and verbally shamed, raped, and tortured, deficated on, and death threated as a very young child by adult men in authority in the community, including my dad and church leaders as perps would lead me, as an adult survivor, to fear exposure and feel over-exposed just leaving the house or going out and about.
I will need to say words of self-compassion daily to affirm my safety and value in the world when this strikes. I need support in realizing that I am having the progress and the success of overcoming these disasters on my psyche when I was too young to see that I had any value yet. I don't have to be perfect to have value.
I'd appreciate anyone's input on self-compassion phrases that work for you when faced with the terrible feeling of being exposed, naked (even when dressed) and vulnerable. Any clothes help you to feel less exposed? I know some teachers say they have a self-designed "uniform" to help them feel professional and not have to think too much about what to wear at 5 am.
Waking up to PTSD nightmares and having to get ready as a female at 5 am in the dark (a real trigger, too) is very hard for me no matter what. Any advice is appreciated.
What I have done is get coffee and spend time with my husband, as he has his routine of coffee and YouTube music videos to wake up and feel happy about it (he has Narcolepsy) instead of miserable. I don't always like his music, but I love his company and coffee.
Then I shower, do my work level hair-makeup, and get dressed, pack my lunch and drinks, and drive to work. I am always under time crunch. Sometimes this routine and the pressure to be there at 7 helps me overcome my issues. Often, I arrive feeling a ton of shame, shame, shame. My perfectionism is a real issue with self-criticism about how imperfectly I did this routine or how imperfect I feel about my work performance, punctuality (if others are there already) or how I dress. I don't like how I dress and I struggle to want to spend money, since I will feel shame no matter what about what I put on. I have no way to not feel shame. I have never not felt shame about what I put on my body, so I have no method to break out of this cycle so far. Putting on clothes or thinking about putting on clothes, or clothes in general, is a trigger. I do best after I get busy working and am no longer having to think about my body much. If my clothes are annoying or require adjustment while working, I feel shame about them. Same for my hair, if it gets in the way.
My husband says that I am stunningly beautiful, and since I feel such toxic shame about my body and appearance, I overcompensate, and end up looking like I want attention, when I really do not. I want to be like, and to not have to feel shame or think too much about how I look or am dressed. I don't do well with dress up days. Never have.
Worst Halloween was 6th grade when the boy opposite me asked if I was trying to be a "slut" for Halloween. I still cringe and feel shamed about it, and I'm 41.
In high school, while wearing loose blue jeans and a loose, dark T shirt, but also lipstick from earlier, I would earn the "slut" title at the dinner table from my Dad. This was quite triggering since I had dissociated most of the sexual trauma from him, it obviously was re-traumatizing as well as triggering. It added layers upon layers to my shame. As did the boy who molested me and told me he didn't want to date me because he only wanted my body, not my personality. (Thanks, Asshole! And his name was also Steven, like my father/abuser, which didn't help me at all. --Sorry if that's your name. I'm sure there are good ones.)
The common thread here I see is dressing to be liked, but getting sexual attention I don't want, so I don't know how to look "good" without also looking "attractive" or just how to dress for my figure.
My husband says I have like a "Jessica Rabbit" body that is hard to not look very appealing to males. Having a curvy hourglass and tall body is hard to disguise, even in business suits or jeans. He says that no matter what, the "outline of" my breasts and butt are always "on display" and too easy to notice. (Yeah, they stick out!). I know a lot of women who wish they had this and want to have surgery to get it. They can put in padding, but you can't take padding in your body out of your outfit; you're stuck with it.
Having large breasts has been proven to produce a subliminal belief within hetero males that the woman is more sexually available or interested. When this is not the case. If a woman wears heels, it pivots the chest outward, making the most of a smaller bust, and also sending the signal.
I don't wear heels, but my bust is already poppin. Also, the women in my family have small frame shoulders as frame to place the large bust, making it appear that we have implants or out of proportion, as well as hips.
I'd rather sport a more athletic build. It is really an issue. I cannot golf, as my tits are literally in the way of my swing. Running is a chore, and I have to wear two very tight sports bras for support, and this makes it hard to breathe. All this makes me lazy and out of shape. I need to get back to just long walks and running anyway. It would take me down from a D to at least a C again. I was happy as a B. It's hard to dress with a D on a 32 inch waist. I can't even find bras that fit. They can't believe a small rib cage would go with a D cup. The shoulder straps are always too long. I cannot afford it, but I really need a custom made set of bras. Is there a line for women that accommodates this? I'm still searching. I have to daily wear "Nips" as well inside my bra and even then you can still make out my aereola and sometimes nipples.
Women at work tend to dislike me, and this is part of why. I know my friends with large breasts got bullied by surfboard chest popular girls. And since then, I have read it's a common problem for girls who "develop early". Or at all. Or don't stop developing, say, from having babies.
This is all to say that our American society has a problem with big boobs, unless you work at Hooters or some such. I don't want that kind of attention. I want zero attention from males outside my bedroom with my spouse.
Is there a way to hide a large bust that isn't too hot? I live in FL.
I have a kind of tight tank top thing that sucks you in, but I cannot stand wearing it most of the year, and since it rolls and rides up at the base constantly, it triggers shame every time I have to think about clothing. It this stuff would do its job and stay put, and be comfortable, I could go about my day and not have to think about it all the time, why I'm wearing it, etc.
I should lose a lot of weight and this will help reduce the curves. I can then make clothes be more baggy and that will help. It is hard to have the energy to do the workouts. I have not been able lose weight while working my high stress job. I'm planning on leaving my profession due to the catch 22 of all this. I can't find a solution. I want to work only part time, reduce stress thereby, and spend the rest of my time starving myself and running back down to a size 8 and B/C cup range again. I feel better that way, too. No high blood pressure dizziness.
