barefoot
MyPTSD Pro
I didn't really know which section to post this in. And didn't know what to call the thread and what I've ended up calling it makes me feel a huge amount of shame and distress.
I have a recurring theme that shows up in my dreams fairly frequently. In a nutshell, in the dreams, I am forcing someone (a random person, not anyone I know in real life) to have some sort of sexual encounter with me. And it's clear that they don't want to. But I don't care about that and, somehow I make them. In the dreams, I don't feel bad about it, I don't care that they don't want to, all I care about is getting the sexual satisfaction for myself and I have a great time.
It has been a running theme in my dreams since I started therapy and, I suppose, started stirring things up about my own past experiences where did things to me that I didn't like/didn't want them to do.
So, intellectually, I get why these dreams come up and I get that they're not saying I'm a terrible person who wants to go and sexually assault people etc. And I've had a version of this dream so many times that I am sort of used to it now and the content doesn't feel quite so appalling to me as it used to. I sort of understand, I think, why my brain spews it out sometimes...and realise that it's probably some sort of processing taking place...or trying to take place...
It still bothers me though. And, on top of that, what really bothers me is my body's response. Because, when I wake up from these dreams, my body feels excited.
And then, when I'm awake, although I feel horrified and disgusted by the content of the dream and horrified and disgusted by my body's physical response...I also feel 'erotically charged' (my therapist's phrase!) and a really strong drive to act on that charge. To have some kind of sexual relief/release....and it's a really intense, almost compulsive drive to do something about it.
I try not to give in to the urge to 'do something about it' because, if I do, it just feels horrible and, afterwards, I feel more mortified and upset and disgusted with myself. But if I resist the urge and don't do anything to bring any release, it doesn't feel good either....because I just can't shake off the urge and it becomes a bit of an obsession.
I have mentioned this to my therapist before but brought it up again today because, recently, some aspects of the dreams have become more upsetting for me, and that has then made the subsequent physical responses/urges feel more horrible. We're going to pick it up again next time. She said she will think about it, so I'm not sure if that means she doesn't really know where to go with it, or whether she wants to go and do some research or whatever.
I'm wondering if anyone has this sort of thing and whether anyone has come through the other side and these dreams have stopped? Or what anyone does about the erotic charge when awake? And the intense drive to do something, even though the stimulus is something you find abhorrent?
I'm just not sure how to move forward with it. What to do in therapy that might help? (I know that's also my T's job) Whether realistically I can do something that will stop the dreams. Or stop the feelings afterwards. Or just get me to a point where I don't feel so disgusted and ashamed about the whole thing. Wondering if this is 'just' a case of revisiting those past experiences and really diving in deep and doing some processing while conscious...I haven't really done that...I wonder if that would mean the processing wouldn't fly out sideways while I'm sleeping...?
If this is my unconscious waving at me and trying to get my attention so that I actually get down to it and do the deep work around this old stuff that I've been keeping at arm's length, I get it....but it's a horrible, brutal way to go about it!
Actually feeling really vulnerable and teary about it in this moment...felt good in a way to bring it up again with T and for us to agree to pick it up again next time...because that feels like I'm trying to do something therapeutic about it (?!) But being so open with her today and then posting about it here...it feels...well, pretty awful actually :( Going to post it now before I change my mind!
I have a recurring theme that shows up in my dreams fairly frequently. In a nutshell, in the dreams, I am forcing someone (a random person, not anyone I know in real life) to have some sort of sexual encounter with me. And it's clear that they don't want to. But I don't care about that and, somehow I make them. In the dreams, I don't feel bad about it, I don't care that they don't want to, all I care about is getting the sexual satisfaction for myself and I have a great time.
It has been a running theme in my dreams since I started therapy and, I suppose, started stirring things up about my own past experiences where did things to me that I didn't like/didn't want them to do.
So, intellectually, I get why these dreams come up and I get that they're not saying I'm a terrible person who wants to go and sexually assault people etc. And I've had a version of this dream so many times that I am sort of used to it now and the content doesn't feel quite so appalling to me as it used to. I sort of understand, I think, why my brain spews it out sometimes...and realise that it's probably some sort of processing taking place...or trying to take place...
It still bothers me though. And, on top of that, what really bothers me is my body's response. Because, when I wake up from these dreams, my body feels excited.
And then, when I'm awake, although I feel horrified and disgusted by the content of the dream and horrified and disgusted by my body's physical response...I also feel 'erotically charged' (my therapist's phrase!) and a really strong drive to act on that charge. To have some kind of sexual relief/release....and it's a really intense, almost compulsive drive to do something about it.
I try not to give in to the urge to 'do something about it' because, if I do, it just feels horrible and, afterwards, I feel more mortified and upset and disgusted with myself. But if I resist the urge and don't do anything to bring any release, it doesn't feel good either....because I just can't shake off the urge and it becomes a bit of an obsession.
I have mentioned this to my therapist before but brought it up again today because, recently, some aspects of the dreams have become more upsetting for me, and that has then made the subsequent physical responses/urges feel more horrible. We're going to pick it up again next time. She said she will think about it, so I'm not sure if that means she doesn't really know where to go with it, or whether she wants to go and do some research or whatever.
I'm wondering if anyone has this sort of thing and whether anyone has come through the other side and these dreams have stopped? Or what anyone does about the erotic charge when awake? And the intense drive to do something, even though the stimulus is something you find abhorrent?
I'm just not sure how to move forward with it. What to do in therapy that might help? (I know that's also my T's job) Whether realistically I can do something that will stop the dreams. Or stop the feelings afterwards. Or just get me to a point where I don't feel so disgusted and ashamed about the whole thing. Wondering if this is 'just' a case of revisiting those past experiences and really diving in deep and doing some processing while conscious...I haven't really done that...I wonder if that would mean the processing wouldn't fly out sideways while I'm sleeping...?
If this is my unconscious waving at me and trying to get my attention so that I actually get down to it and do the deep work around this old stuff that I've been keeping at arm's length, I get it....but it's a horrible, brutal way to go about it!
Actually feeling really vulnerable and teary about it in this moment...felt good in a way to bring it up again with T and for us to agree to pick it up again next time...because that feels like I'm trying to do something therapeutic about it (?!) But being so open with her today and then posting about it here...it feels...well, pretty awful actually :( Going to post it now before I change my mind!