Asked T For Help But Was Dismissed

[changed]

I had EMDR on Wednesday, came out feeling angry at first, then low. Thursday I stayed in bed all day, then on Friday I was ready to kill myself. The thoughts were tormenting me all day, I knew they were wrong but they were starting to feel right. I emailed my T saying I didnt think I would be here for my next session.

After hours of torment My T's manager phoned saying my T was off today but was concerned at my email and could she do anything. I tried my best to explain that I was severly suicidal and didnt think I would make it through the weekend. She then told me that because its friday everyone was finishing so phone NHS24 (an advice line for things that are not serious, such as cold or minor injury) and she would get my T to call me next week. I know that there is a doctor on duty over the weekend, she told me before the NHS24 suggestion!

Im hurt that when I finally managed to express what was going on and ask for help, that was the help I got! It kind of made me angry and I wonder how many people have actually asked for help, did'nt get it and are not here to let people know they asked but did not recieve. Maybe im wrong but I did'nt realise you were only allowed to be suicidal Monday to Friday 9 to 5!

I struggle expressing myself and I forced myself to say what was going on and that I needed help but now I dont know if I should fight and struggle to be honest, I dont even feel like getting help now.

I was honest with my friend, but it's put a real strain on our friendship as she is constantly watching me and worried about me-I dont want that. She is my friend, not my carer.

Whats peoples thoughts on this, Im not myself this week and I dont know if im over reacting, im just annoyed and im ashamed that they know now for no reason.

Advice and suggestions would be much appriciated.
Thanks Changed xx

 

[Iam]

Wow Changed, I am so sorry. You must feel like a gutted fish tossed on a pile. I can't believe that the manager did that. First off I think you should let your T know what happened. Find out what he thinks happened. I suppose it's possible that the manager didn't take what you were saying seriously, but anyone who expresses that they are thinking about suicide should always be taken seriously. I am so glad that you didn't follow thru.

When you talk with your T maybe the two of you can set a process in place for when you feel that way. My T was actually upset that I didn't call or email him when I was feeling that way. If your T is not willing to help you set up a workable plan then maybe you should find a new T? I suspect though that he is going to be quite upset when he hears what happened.

I struggle expressing myself and I forced myself to say what was going on and that I needed help but now I dont know if I should fight and struggle to be honest, I dont even feel like getting help now.

I understand what you are saying. I have a really hard time sharing what I am truly feeling and when I do, I frequently freak out about it. YES, you need to keep fighting to be honest and sharing. It is the only way you will learn to manage your symptoms. If this T isn't empathetic with where you are at and willing to work with you then you need to look elsewhere. The fact that he was concerned and had the manager call you I think indicates that he is and that the fault lies with the manager.

Hang in there, you are doing a good job in sharing. Don't let someone who obvioulsy is not trained in handling crisis stop you from making progress.

 

[changed]

Thanks Iam.

I got through the weekend because of my friend, I owe her my life! Although its not gone away and im still thinking about it alot!

My T is great and im begining to get a good bond with her. Although now im worried that they will think im attention seeking or something, and thats one of the reasons I never wanted to tell. Now im ashamed that they know now for nothing! I scared myself how close I was and how much I set my mind on it. I see my T weekly but that isnt enough right now. Im thinking about getting checked in.

I do think the fault is in the management and am going to tell my T tommorrow.

Thanks again for your quick response and helpful advice.
Take Care
Hugs xx

 

[Jawn]

I agree with Iam. Talk to your T about it and make sure you guys are on the same page when it comes to your therapy.

If you feel like you need to check in to keep from helping yourself, then do it. That's better than the alternative and
remember, we are hear to listen to you and offer our opinion. Keep posting as that may help.

Also, keep in mind that while EMDR can help tremendously, some people get worse before they start to get better. This
is one of those times, BUT it will get better. Hang in there!

Jawn

 

[brokenchild]

And this is why I don't tell anyone when I am suicidal. I have had a hard enough time trying to get people to listen to my story without changing the subject or getting emotional. I'm not even going to go to my thoughts in therapy.

I'm so sorry that happened to you. I hope your T can straighten things out even if that seems impossible right now.

 

[changed]

Thanks for all the comments guys, its always helpful to get other peoples input!

Quick update, I saw my pshychologist and phsychiatrist on Tuesday. They made me agree to going into hospital. I was in for three days, it wasnt as bad as I thought it would be, although all I could focus on was getting out so I told them what they wanted to hear. I know it wasnt a good move to make and am regretting it now. I wish I had just stayed a few more days. I am avoiding any thoughts or emotions because im scared of them and myself.

Changed xx

 

[Iam]

They made me agree to going into hospital. I was in for three days, it wasnt as bad as I thought it would be, although all I could focus on was getting out so I told them what they wanted to hear. I know it wasnt a good move to make and am regretting it now. I wish I had just stayed a few more days. I am avoiding any thoughts or emotions because im scared of them and myself.

Boy do I understand that feeling! Are you going to be ok until your next session when you can tell your T what happened? It's obvious that you trust her, but was she one of the one's you were telling "what they wanted to hear" so you could get out? If so that is ok, but you do need to tell her at your next session.

If you are in a serious way then you should probably check yourself back in. You can let them know what happened and perhaps they will be a little more diligent at making sure you are being honest about where you are at.

Don't feel guilty for having done that, I think we all struggle with being honest about how we are feeling. It's easier here pn the forum because we don't have to face those we are sharing our honest feelings with. Well, I should say that it is easier for me to be honest here on the forum.

Anyway, having trouble expressing your feelings and thoughts is one of the reasons you are in therapy right? You are working hard at overcoming that and you are making progress! Keep forging ahead. Take care of yourself and keep posting. We are hear to listen and share with you.

 

[Tessa]

Well done for making it through a hard time. You are right many services operate on 9 - 5 and do not really care. Suicidal thoughts tend to come in waves and if you can get through the trough you usually come up again. It is important to keep yourself safe in the trough.

Please remember we are all here and listening so come and share with others who understand what it feels like.

Hugs
Tessa

 

[changed]

Thanks Iam and Tessa!

I am always very careful what I say, I dont lie to people but I have become very good at avoiding saying things, which is really only lying to myself and I know thats not good. Im going to tell my T my reasons for emphasising the good and hiding the bad to get out. My T is amazing and I do trust her, but I hate worrying her and feeling problematic. I came out because I missed my friend and she really wanted me out and I didnt want to let her down. Longterm I know thats not good, so I am going to discuss things better with my T and see what she thinks. I feel like I need to be in for a while, to feel safe and gently adapt back into normal life, university and work.

Its amazing being able to be totally open and honest on here with people who dont judge but understand and relate- THANKYOU.

Changed xx