Asking For Help?

[Red Feather]

I have been very unstable lately and I haven't got a T. I couldn't work with the one I found for several reasons. I found another but I dissociated so bad during our session, she said I needed to go to a clinic to stabilize before I start working with her. She said I couldn't even formulate my sentences. I don't know though. I live in Germany and the germans are very cautious and overprotective.

My doctor asked if I was having suicide thoughts. I told him the truth, that I was having it. For me there is a clear distinction between suicide ideation and making plans to go through with it. I do not want to go through with it. I have two children I love dearly. I always knew it was something I wouldn't do. Maybe I am also too dissociated to ever go through with it.

But when I get overwhelmed, like I have been since things are really hard at the moment. I do have that voice that just wants to give up and die. And sometimes I am scared of getting too unstable to stay in control.

Yesterday I had a panic attack and cried severely in front of my children and exhusband (abuser). I even let him hug me. This might be called being authentic.... instead of a dissociated state....But really I didn't want my children to see me like that, let alone my ex. So sometimes I do things I don't want to do and it's scary.

I don't know what to say to my doctor now. I don't want him to send me to the closed psychiatry if I tell him. I have been so unstable lately. I have had several dissociative episodes in which I watched as I behaved quite erattically and in panic. I would be willing to go to a trauma specific clinic, or to the open crisis intervention wing, but not to the regular psychiatry ward.

When I get like this I can't even talk or use the phone so I don't know what to do about my doctor. He said I should go to his office once I get back from my trip to see my children. I thought I should write it out for him and give him a letter?

Any advice would be appreciated. I don't know what to do. I wish a doctor or somebody I trust would just tell me which clinic I should go to where I know I will be safe and not locked up.

And at the same time, I am wondering if I am just kidding myself. I don't ever want to go through with it, so there is really no problem is there? Or is having suicide ideation, enough of a warning sign to go for help. Maybe my anxiety is just getting ahead of me and my worry is baseless, and I am only trying to get attention instead of really being sincere. I do not know. I always think I am tricking myself. :cry:

 

[Jen93]

Oh Naddie. ((((hugs))))

I never wanted to see you in this section.

First off: Are you taking any medication? Anti-anxiety or anti-depressents? These could have an effect on the whole suicidal ideation thing- Go to your doctor and maybe suggest coming off of them- it worked for me, but the withdrawal can be a little "tiring" (pun intended)

Secondly: How detailed are your plans? If it's just a fleeting thought, don't be too scared, but if you find that you have a PLAN-remember that PM I sent you? I think I sent you? That type of stuff, go straight to emergency.

Thirdly: Is there anyone you can surround yourself with? For example, I needed my parents with me when I had to take the train- for about a month whenever I needed to take the train, they were with me. Having someone with you, a good friend, or something, having them with you makes you remember that you're not alone in the world, people care; and having them around makes it safer and less likely that you would attempt it... Most people have these thoughts when they are ALONE and SAD. If you're not alone and can find something to laugh at with a friend- things can get better.

((((Naddie))) Things will get better.

And now I'm getting fuzzy, so I'm just going to say we care. As long as you realize you have people who care, that can help a lot. You are not alone, and you are not looking for attention. Suicidal ideation is usually a sign that things have gotten bad- not a sign of attention seeking or a narcissist.

Hope things get better- and they CAN. Things always get better after they get worse.

 

[Red Feather]

Thank you dearest Jen. Thank you for making the effort to write the post. Please do not read this if you are feeling triggered.

When I get back from seeing the kids, I get so numb I am disorientated. I can't think straight.

I don't know what to tell my doctor tomorrow. I think I will try to be honest. I don't think the ideation is coming from the medication. I am not taking anti-depressants. Just anti-anxiety. I will ask my doctor tomorrow.

I am also not making any plans. I told this to my doctor, but he was still concerned. I don't think I would ever go through with it. My anxiety about the subject seems much bigger then necessary. I always was real scared of myself because of the thoughts I was having. I've been this way since I was a little girl.

I think I was in a way a bit retraumatized when I was in the hospital this last March. I keep on thinking how the psychologist didn't want to listen to me. I just wanted to talk to him about how unstable I was feeling, and how I felt that the world isn't real. That I was just scared of what I would do. And then I couldn't say no when he asked me if I would be able to control myself if I get the urge to hurt myself. And he sent me to the closed psychiatry. I dont want to go back there. That is clear.

The problem is that in Jen's third point, I have nobody right now. My parents live so far away. And I can't talk to my mother per skype anymore either, since she is abusive and part of the problem. I haven't got any friends here. The friends I did have stopped talking to me once I got sick with PTSD. I am making an effort to meet with my other friends who are living here. It's just my life has changed so much with the PTSD. My whole life has changed so much. And I am living in a new city on top of it all.

I think the fact that I am so unsure of whether or not I can keep the control, I think that is part of the problem. My anxiety just heightens so much, and I derealize so much that I feel out of control. These dissociations are strong and I might have DESNOS or DDNOS or some dissociative disorder. I would need to go to a clinic which specializes in trauma to get this diagnosed. I just have such a hard time communicating without writing. I don't know what to say tomorrow. I hope tomorrow I am more clear and can figure out what I want to tell my doctor.

 

[piratelady]

Nadia, I am so sorry to hear you are having such a hard time. I do think there is a big different between suicidal ideation and having an actual plan and intent to kill yourself. I think a lot of us go through periods where we think about suicide. I don't know what Jen PM'ed you, but I'm sure it is full of good information, so I would suggest reading through it.

It sounds like you have a lot of concern about where you receive help. I think it is very important that you get some help to become more stable. It sounds like a very good idea to write out your concerns and feelings about where you receive treatment. This way when you talk to your doctor, if you can't find your voice, you concerns are still written out and you will still be heard.

About Jen's third point - I am often in a similar situation where I don't have people here to surround myself with. Lately, I've tried to keep myself busy. If my hands and mind are focused on something not trauma related I can usually keep from dwelling too much on my situation and feelings. It sort of gives me a break from myself, if that makes sense. Do you have any hobbies or things you can do to stay occupied?

If you need to talk, I'm here. Please take care of yourself.

 

[Ice_Fire]

((((((((((Nadia))))))))))

I'm so sorry you're in so much pain. I agree that there is a huge difference between ideation and actual intent. But it pains me to know you feel this way.

Writing your concerns out to give to your doctor is probably the best way forward as if it's in writing, it's harder for them to ignore your feelings and concerns. It also means you can make yourself 'heard' even if you can't say much. Being in a closed psych wing sounds scary and intimidating, a trauma centre or something more specific for PTSD (clueless on the system here, never mind in Germany!) would be more suitable.

As for point 3, all I can offer is my support and understanding about not having people to turn to. But we care here, it's no replacement for real life support but I'm here for you. PM me if you want to talk. Xx

 

[Meadowsweet]

I'm sorry you're feeling this way Nadia and I understand the panic of feeling like I will lose normal senses. I felt that way when I was waiting for therapy. But it has changed with the reassurance I get from therapy.

I really think you need regular therapy, perhaps more so that any further diagnosis. Something my therapist does, is get me to close my eyes, breathe steadily and ask myself what would be best for me in the session.

It works, and most of all it empowers me to take control of my mental health.

Even if you can't get the best help. I think if you can go into the doctors and know what would be best, then you take back your ability to be part of the process.

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear Nadia, I am so sorry that things are so difficult right now. I hesitated to post, not because I don't relate but precisely because I have struggled with this. If anything I write doesn't make sense or apply to you, just disregard it totally, as I can only speak from my experience.

The advice and guidance the others have given is very good.

Everything you said in your initial post makes sense, except for the statement that perhaps this is attention seeking and not sincere. That reminds me of "other's words", or a belief you've internalized of 'why' it's wrong to ask for help, perhaps in response to asking for help growing up? I agree, asking is near to impossible (but it is possible). Trying to stay alive is not attention seeking, nor insincere.
In fact, it's healthy!

In my case, I think because I had attempted suicide (twice, nearly consecutively) 28 years ago, I can go very quickly into a 'planning stage'. I had to struggle horribly for about 2 years, until just this past year. The big difference is I find however- even if there is dissociation seemingly present- is doing it involves the actual energy to do it, and perhaps much self-directed anger (self-hatred, in my case).

You have said you don't know if you would harm yourself, but give yourself credit- you haven't.

I know it seems likely impossible, but you have to tell someone. Not just on the forum, but in real life.

What I find helps, because I too get those EFB's, or dissociation is say, to carry pictures, or something tactile, to tweak your memory. I too 'can't speak', and neither can I remember anything I 'should', at those times. At it's worst moments I couldn't remember one memory. I could remember people, but no past memories with or of them.
I've heard it suggested write what you need to remember down on a card, like a golf swing card.

When I first asked the only relative I have here, or that 'was' like family (we used to be very close), that I needed help and tried to discuss it, I was told to do it and that I was a waste of space. It was secondary wounding, and needless to say confirmed it even more.
So I know what it feels like to be very alone.

But I did bring it up later with one other person, fortunately- it likely saved my life. I did not know how they would react, or what they would say, and although they could not have 'forced' me to do anything (I don't think?), I would have tried to follow their advice. Personally, a hospital stay would have killed me, or ensured my going further downhill, I believe (and felt). I also had to take the risk that they would 'hate me' for saying it to them, perhaps be very negative, and perhaps treat me negatively from there on. (None of which happened).
Although I didn't specifically say I had a plan, I said how close I'd come- more than once, and I didn't white-wash it. I think they knew what I meant.

What they did say was this: "you're (I'm) not crazy; the important thing is you didn't take that last step; you have to tell someone; these thoughts are normal and just thoughts, and can be expected even, (and to tell them to 'Get lost')".

I think suicide involves stressors exceeding coping mechanisms. So you can know for sure that you need to give yourself a break, and recognize it's just from that, not because there is something inherently wrong with you.
And this may even be part of your healing, too, considering what's been uncovered and you are dealing with. And pain contributes too, as does illness.
But suicide isn't a treatment plan.

You've said how appalled you were to break down in front of your ex and kids, but to me I think- so what, don't beat yourself up. You are human and you felt overwhelmed. You're posting here, that's good too.
(To be honest, that's better than me, because generally speaking I'd look 'fine' on the outside, go through the motions, say nothing, and then be 'kaputz').

Along with your Dr, could you call or e-mail a crisis line, an abuse shelter, or someone else you could talk to?
And if possible get rest, eat, sleep, walk, do anything that distracts you. Go to places full of people (malls, etc), for safety.

I wish you hugs and prayers, it can and will get better- really.
(((((((Nadia))))))))

 

[^^FlyingSolo^^]

I don't know about a letter Nadia. Medical Doctors usually deal in facts and specifics. A long drawn out emotional letter probably won't get the results your looking for. However, a shorter, more specific check-list of your specific concerns might be more effective. For example, reinstating that you told him that you had suicidal thoughts but you draw distinctive line between SI and the planning to do it, and would never do it because of your kids. So as to make sure he is very clear on your view of this! Additionally, be very specific of your desire to get more help via a trauma specific clinic, an open crisis intervention wing, but you are unwilling to go to a psychiatry ward. See if he seems agreeable with you on this.

It's like you're in the eye of the storm Nadia. After you and your doctor start coming to agreements, and decisions are made as to where, who and how. You'll finally start getting the therapy you want and need. Things will start coming together as far getting the regular mental health treatment that you deserve.

You've received a lot of great feedback here. We all care about you and are supporting you.:inlove:

((((Big Hugs))))

xoxox

Solo

 

[Red Feather]

Thank you all so much for your support. I wrote out a letter. I think it is clear and concise. The one point that was made clear to me while writing was that I can wait until I find the right place to go. Knowing that efforts are being made in that direction would alraedy mean relief for me. In Germany trauma clinics are quite often the solution here as the insurance often covers the costs. However a complicated application process is required, and there is always a very long waiting list that can last a few weeks and up to a 2 years.

I am so anxious again about seeing my doctor. I froze several times this mornings so that now the morning opening times are passed. I hope I can make it this afternoon. Or I will have to wait till Thursday. I don't know if I should rush, or if it is better to rush... I don't want to make people worried.

Thank you again for all your support and kindness. It means a lot to me. Sorry I can't respond individually. All your posts are very helpful to me. I am not able to concentrate so much to respond. I am just grateful so much. Thank you again.

 

[Red Feather]

Okay, so things turned out quite unexpectedly today. I didn't make it to my doctors this morning. By midday I got a message from my ex that my son has head lice. :eek: I thought so! I've been itching all morning. I called my GP and went immediately. She gave me the prescription and then we started talking about my PTSD! I hadn't actually ever talked to her. The first time I was there there was a substitute doctor.

Well she immediately asked me the question: Why do your children live with him? Oh geez, I hate that question. Of course it is a natural question. I know, it just reminds me of all the guilt I have. Well, she said I seemed really unstable. She kept saying I shouldn't think about the diagnosis and then I told her how I was sent away from the crisis intervention wing because I didn't have the right diagnosis. So she started to understand the magnitude of the situation and that I can't call the doctor's there because I have such issues using the phone. So she told her secretary to call the crisis intervention center immediately, and tell them that I should get a space immediately as soon a possible.

So now I am on the waiting list and have to call in every morning. Geez. I guess I'll call my psychiatrist and tell him I've got head lice and that I'm on the waiting list already. Geez. Life is so extreme.

 

[Srain]

(((((((((((Nadia)))))))))))))

I surely understand those conversations and the bringing someone new up to speed on your history including the "whys" about your children. My heart goes out to you. I'm sorry you are going through such a rough time and the system is so faulty. I think you are doing well to keep one foot in front of the other.

I can't add much to what has already been said so I will say please know you are cared about and supported.

Sending peaceful and healing thoughts,
Rain

 

[Red Feather]

Thank you dear Rain. It means so much to me. It really does. ((((((Hugs back to you))))))