Justmehere
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I'm not sure where to post this.
So… I’m moving… just down the street to a new apartment. It’s a bit unexpected, but thankfully is working out. Except for this: moving is triggering and people helping me is triggering. I had a move two years ago where I was attacked in my apartment around moving boxes. So, moving boxes are a big trigger. I’m going through intense medical care for a disease and it wears me out and saps up all my extra funds… like to pay for movers. So I need to ask for help. Thankfully I have a very small place and there are people willing to help me move. I don’t know why they are so nice and willing.
I have been talking to my therapist about the triggers. Well, sort of. Two weeks ago, when I found out I had to move, I really broke down. I became very terrified and called her and she provided extra support while I searched for a new place. When I finally found a place, I settled down for about a week. Now, as I prepare to pack and arrange logistics around moving, I am getting really triggered again. (The move itself will happen around Feb 6, in just over a week.)
I have to call my landlady and confirm when I need to be out by (she sold the place, and that is why I have to move, but she is really unfriendly in general and kind of a stressful person for me to interact with as is.) I have been putting off talking with her for three days and now I need to do it.
I have friends offering to help me move. All I have done is mentioned I am moving and a bit stressed about it and they are saying “Oh, do you need help? I would be glad to help. You are already dealing with so much by having to go through (intense medical care I am going through).” I stammer and stare at my feet and say, “yeah, I could use help…” All I need to do is confirm the date and let people know.
And it is freaking me out. All of it. I have to start packing, because of being sick, I can’t do it all in a day like I have done in the past. I have to tell my friends what day so they can plan for it, and I’m a mess.
My therapist encouraged me to talk about it at my weekly session last week, but things were better and I thought that I could handle it. Now I am thinking I was in complete denial and it did not serve me well! When we first talked about how much boxes trigger me, my therapist even offered to come out and do some exposure therapy work around being able to handle boxes. (I will sadly have to move again in 6 months when this lease is up and the rent goes up higher, but I have a cheaper place I will move into then already – I live and work in a college town and this is just part of being a renter here… sigh….)
Thankfully, I will see my therapist tomorrow… but I am really dreading bringing this up. The trauma that happened around this is something I haven’t even talked through before, not any more than I am writing here. It is one thing to ask her for tools and coping skills and ways for me to go out and handle my life on my own, but it is a whole other thing to say this is overwhelming me… please walk through some of this with me… even just talking through it is very scary. It makes me hate myself, hate therapy, hate everything.
I can’t even bring myself to call my landlady…
I’m really scattered and bordering on being dissociative about this, and I haven’t been dissociative for awhile until this came up. If I could do it all on my own, I would! This is hell. I know I need to go through it to get to a better place… the people offering to help are great people but I keep thinking, “If they only knew how much I struggle and how awful I can be in relationships and how much I push people away, they would not help me.”
I feel like too much.
My therapist says I am not. One of my friends who I am a little closer with, says I am not. I don’t believe them.
I just know that physically, I can’t do this on my own. I will drown. I am beginning to fear that emotionally I can't do this and that I am going to drown and I need to ask for help. I am guessing my therapist will be asking me about it and I will have to admit to her that yes, I need help.
I don’t know what to do even do with all of this, where to go. I am used to being the girl no one wants around… now, a couple of people are offering help that I have been too scared to even ask for, and I don’t understand why they are offering help like this… The only thing I know of that has changed is who my friends are and that my PTSD symptoms in relationships are less and that they just haven’t known me for as long or don’t know me as well as people in the past… if they only knew…
I don’t know if I am making any sense. I am posting this to try and begin to sort out my thoughts and what I need. Hard to ask for help when I don’t even know what I need! Even harder to accept. It is stirring up massive fears of abandonment, which makes sense in relation to the trauma that happened round moving boxes (but I won't get into it, as it may be triggering for others and even myself to write about right now.) A lot of weird anger that doesn't seem specific to anything is coming up in the middle of everything.
I am very open to any feedback, thoughts, or suggestions on anything that would help sort this out and/or get through it.
So… I’m moving… just down the street to a new apartment. It’s a bit unexpected, but thankfully is working out. Except for this: moving is triggering and people helping me is triggering. I had a move two years ago where I was attacked in my apartment around moving boxes. So, moving boxes are a big trigger. I’m going through intense medical care for a disease and it wears me out and saps up all my extra funds… like to pay for movers. So I need to ask for help. Thankfully I have a very small place and there are people willing to help me move. I don’t know why they are so nice and willing.
I have been talking to my therapist about the triggers. Well, sort of. Two weeks ago, when I found out I had to move, I really broke down. I became very terrified and called her and she provided extra support while I searched for a new place. When I finally found a place, I settled down for about a week. Now, as I prepare to pack and arrange logistics around moving, I am getting really triggered again. (The move itself will happen around Feb 6, in just over a week.)
I have to call my landlady and confirm when I need to be out by (she sold the place, and that is why I have to move, but she is really unfriendly in general and kind of a stressful person for me to interact with as is.) I have been putting off talking with her for three days and now I need to do it.
I have friends offering to help me move. All I have done is mentioned I am moving and a bit stressed about it and they are saying “Oh, do you need help? I would be glad to help. You are already dealing with so much by having to go through (intense medical care I am going through).” I stammer and stare at my feet and say, “yeah, I could use help…” All I need to do is confirm the date and let people know.
And it is freaking me out. All of it. I have to start packing, because of being sick, I can’t do it all in a day like I have done in the past. I have to tell my friends what day so they can plan for it, and I’m a mess.
My therapist encouraged me to talk about it at my weekly session last week, but things were better and I thought that I could handle it. Now I am thinking I was in complete denial and it did not serve me well! When we first talked about how much boxes trigger me, my therapist even offered to come out and do some exposure therapy work around being able to handle boxes. (I will sadly have to move again in 6 months when this lease is up and the rent goes up higher, but I have a cheaper place I will move into then already – I live and work in a college town and this is just part of being a renter here… sigh….)
Thankfully, I will see my therapist tomorrow… but I am really dreading bringing this up. The trauma that happened around this is something I haven’t even talked through before, not any more than I am writing here. It is one thing to ask her for tools and coping skills and ways for me to go out and handle my life on my own, but it is a whole other thing to say this is overwhelming me… please walk through some of this with me… even just talking through it is very scary. It makes me hate myself, hate therapy, hate everything.
I can’t even bring myself to call my landlady…
I’m really scattered and bordering on being dissociative about this, and I haven’t been dissociative for awhile until this came up. If I could do it all on my own, I would! This is hell. I know I need to go through it to get to a better place… the people offering to help are great people but I keep thinking, “If they only knew how much I struggle and how awful I can be in relationships and how much I push people away, they would not help me.”
I feel like too much.
My therapist says I am not. One of my friends who I am a little closer with, says I am not. I don’t believe them.
I just know that physically, I can’t do this on my own. I will drown. I am beginning to fear that emotionally I can't do this and that I am going to drown and I need to ask for help. I am guessing my therapist will be asking me about it and I will have to admit to her that yes, I need help.
I don’t know what to do even do with all of this, where to go. I am used to being the girl no one wants around… now, a couple of people are offering help that I have been too scared to even ask for, and I don’t understand why they are offering help like this… The only thing I know of that has changed is who my friends are and that my PTSD symptoms in relationships are less and that they just haven’t known me for as long or don’t know me as well as people in the past… if they only knew…
I don’t know if I am making any sense. I am posting this to try and begin to sort out my thoughts and what I need. Hard to ask for help when I don’t even know what I need! Even harder to accept. It is stirring up massive fears of abandonment, which makes sense in relation to the trauma that happened round moving boxes (but I won't get into it, as it may be triggering for others and even myself to write about right now.) A lot of weird anger that doesn't seem specific to anything is coming up in the middle of everything.
I am very open to any feedback, thoughts, or suggestions on anything that would help sort this out and/or get through it.
