Assistance And Understanding Needed

[Igeb]

How do you encourage someone to get help?
At what point to do you just give up.

I don't nag, I don't bitch, I don't do anything at all like that. I am not the problem. He is untreated...again. He used to get help but quit a while ago. Now we are dealing with depression. And that makes me feel very concerned. When I suggested he get help (ANY kind of help..acupuncture, anything..) I got the "I understand your concern and respect your feelings" , which was pretty much a nice, polite way for him to tell me to eff off. lol

I have learned so much about this but it is never really enough, is it?

And let us not forget about the texting with other women. wtf?

 

[Curupu]

Quite frankly, I make it entirely about me. Because giving up isn't about them, where they're at, how well they're doing or not. It's about what I can handle. When I try and shift the focus of my discontent onto their shoulders... Eh. It's just makes everything so murky.

Take abusers, just as an example. Perfectly lovely people in every way except for, you know, intolerable abuse. And that's what battered spouses focus on. 'But they're so fantastic when they're not busy smashing my head against the sink and calling me a slut." Yes. Clearly they must be amazing to make the sink v head thing seem trivial. It's not about them. It's not about how lovely or how awful they are. It's about you. If you're fine with the ER trips, and the sink thing is a bit of excitement in an otherwise dull day...more power to you. Rare sort. But if you're a sobbing disaster and feel you don't deserve to be bashed about, and are in fact frightened and unhappy about it... Well then that's what to focus on, yes? The you part. Not the them part.

180 take unimaginably wealthy & famous, sweet & loving. If you cannot abide publicity, and body guards for K&R, and are frightened day and night over abductions and invasions of privacy... Also perhaps not the marriage to be in. Again, not because they aren't lovely. But because of the sobbing disaster and living in fear and misery thing.

We love people who are right for us, but challenging. That's okay. We also love people who make us utterly miserable. At that point ... It ceases to become about them. It's about us. Are we just frustrated with the challenge? Do we need to do something different? Or are we so miserable that we need to completely reorder our lives?

Both totally reasonable & rational undertakings. Love being what it is, makes that a hard choice. We love them.

I'm not entirely sure if you're asking does one give up leading a horse to water, or if one gives up on horses altogether and catches a train. It's sort of the same thing, though. Can you be okay with the stupid horse not drinking, again, and go about your life... Or do you call a vet... Or do you take a train? How do you maintain your own integrity? No right answer.

 

[Togamuj]

Why do you stay?

 

[Zaha]

Do you feel like the person is going to hurt himself or someone else? If so, then by all means step in and get him some help. Obviously if the horse won't drink the water and he will die if he doesn't, then you call the vet and get him some help. If you don't think there is danger, then getting the person help when they don't want it really won't solve anything because they won't accept the help. Some people just need to figure things out for themselves and that may take a while. If you can just be there for the person...offering support and encouragement when he asks for it sometimes this is all a person needs to be able to move forward.

 

[Igeb]

as to the question of why do I stay?

The list of reasons is endless..

 

[Megih]

Maybe try and set boundarys. I think you are saying he is untreated through choice. Okay, that is his decision, but tell him why certain behaviour in not acceptable including texting other women.

PTSD is not an excuse for bad behaviour within a relationship.

 

[Lijem]

It does seem like you're saying he's basically refusing to care for himself and speaking with other women as a means to seek out what he may think he's missing. As a person with depression I can say it's a common tactic we sufferers use. It's a way to seek an external solution to an entirely internal problem. You're right, it isn't you at all. He'd likely be making these choices no matter what actions you take. Stand up for yourself and stick to what you know you truly deserve. You have to take care of you. Sick or not, in the end he is responsible for himself and his actions, the same as you. If he messes up a good thing and you simply cannot take being treated that way anymore or watching the train wreck unfold, it is completely okay to walk away, either for a trial period or for good. It won't be easy either way, but you need to be 'selfish' for a moment and ask yourself what you are worth and then do it.

 

[Igeb]

He's quite functional, he is just refusing to do therapy/medication since he doesn't want to feel like a zombie. His choice, I guess. The depression lately, causes him to not want to get up some days, and he completely recognizes it..wants to change it but isn't able to at this point.

I'm not going to push him to get back into therapy. As was mentioned further up, his choice. I gotta respect that.

I am starting for myself next week.

And, will work on the boundaries. Consequences of boundary breaking is where I am stuck at. I'm certain I will figure that out too.

Thank you for the great feedback.

 

[Uzumuf]

The most important lesson I've learned in my life is that boundaries are about YOU not him. As you are the only person you can control (and hell some days even that's a struggle!) you are the only person you can set boundaries for. So, for example, the boundary is not "If you hit me even once I will leave" - instead the boundary is "if he hits me even once I must leave". By all means tell your partner about the boundary but do not set it up as a boundary for him with consequences for him. That makes it look like a control issue or a threat. And as you said what are the consequences of him breaking a boundary you set for him? He's not 5 - you can't send him to the naughty corner.

 

[Waveh]

Dear Igeb.

As a sufferer who suppressed his PTSD until total meltdown after having un-diagnosed episodes every few years I totally sympathise with you. I put my now ex-wife through hell. I refused to engage with any Councillors what-so-ever each time. I could have chosen to engage more or even research why I behaved like I did for so many years.

Last may I catastrophically destroyed a happy marriage of 20 years with six wonderful children. I deeply regret my actions and now 17 months later realise just what I did and how much hurt I subjected them too.

As a sufferer he needs to be told that therapy, Counselling really need to be considered and even explored. Please make sure however that you take time to self-care and be gentle with yourself. It is only too easy for a supporter to burn themselves out when a sufferer is in a downward spiral. As previously posted above by Uzumef :-

The most important lesson I've learned in my life is that boundaries are about YOU not him. As you are the only person you can control (and hell some days even that's a struggle!) you are the only person you can set boundaries for

This simple rule applies to both sufferers and supporters alike IMHO. I am the only one who can control ME. I have been extremely lucky in my relatively short recovery period after I finally accepted that I really did need the help I was being offered, and yes for all dealing with PTSD supporter or sufferer that day to day control really can be a huge struggle.

Wishing every luck with supporting as you do.

:hug: from a sufferer if you accept it.

Kindest regards

Santa_Laurie

 

[Eza]

All of you have been extremely helpful. And, Waveh, your response caused my eyes to leak. I hope that you are doing okay and I feel so sad about your divorce. I hope there is a chance to heal that relationship.

I don't want my marriage to end in divorce. I have been there and it took me 14 years to find this man. There are so, so many wonderful qualities to him. The sad thing is, right now, he sees a monster when he looks in the mirror and he is at that point where he is saying I would be better off without him, need someone who won't hurt me, deserve so much more.. It is breaking my heart.

 

[Age]

and Waveh, thank you for the hugs. I appreciate that so much.