At Night I Wake Up In A State Of Total Despair

[user27357]

Does this sound familiar?

During the day I have a huge arsenal of tools I can use to get through being triggered, avoiding destructive depressing thinking, and to maintain a level of control over my PTSD symptoms.

At night, my defenses are down and I don't have access to the tools I have learned and I wake up in a state of depression or panic that is equal to the states I used to get into before I started therapy. I can be fine going to bed, sleep easily, have no dreams or a "normal" dream and then wake to a state of utter despair. It is as if I have been thinking about the things that depress me or cause me to become hypervigilant and triggered for several days and am in a deep cycle of utter hopeless thought.

A few minutes or maybe an hour of meditation and relaxation techniques (tools from bio feed back training) and I can usually get some more sleep that night, Sometimes not.

It is amazing tio me how long this symptom has hung on, I am resigning myself to the idea that I will wake up with nightly reminders of how bad it can be if I don't keep my demons at bay using the tools I can learn to get the job done.

not a good way of life .Anyone able to help?

 

[tontoe]

I can be fine going to bed, sleep easily, have no dreams or a "normal" dream and then wake to a state of utter despair

This started for me too about six months ago, and is pretty unrelenting.

It's good to know we're not alone, but I'm afraid I haven't found the solution yet... Any ideas, anyone?

BTW my T says that as I heal, I get stronger, and that is often when the next thing presents itself as I have recovered enough to deal with it. Have to say I don't feel that strong at the moment! :)

 

[sun seeker]

Reading your post reminded me of how many (hundreds?) of nights I've spent just as you describe. The middle of the night can somehow make despair that is hiding just under the surface during the day come into focus all of a sudden. It's a horrible feeling.

I wish I could give you a recipe, but honestly I didn't do anything to attack this problem in particular. It rarely happens to me anymore, though. Maybe that's at least some comfort?

 

[trying2movefwd]

I just posted something similar to this. Wow, how sad to have this struggle and no relief. I wish I could help, but I am in this boat myself.

 

[SamCas]

Hey
Just woke up after having another one of these episodes and did the google search to see if there was any explanation.
How odd that I can be seemingly fine and then wake up mid sleep in complete and utter despair, almost as if the world was about to end.

I have not ever been diagnosed with any mental illness.

Like you all I am searching for answers as this is a very powerful and scary state to find myself in.
Any light on this would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks

 

[SamCas]

Just found a good article on "Night Dreads"
I can't link it here but if you google search that it is on a website called - psychologies dot co dot uk

 

[tontoe]

Just found a good article on "Night Dreads"

Interesting article with much food for thought; thank you.

I'm still experiencing this waking in despair and/or terror after over a year.

My pattern is that I usually wake with a dream - sometimes seemingly innocuous and sometimes a nightmare. I'm left in an altered state - dissociated - that sometimes lasts well into the following day. It's really wearing me out!

But this article helped me understand some things [intellectually for now - hopefully a felt sense will follow] - seems "creative" people are more prone to this and, as I am sensitised by CPTSD I guess that increases the potential.

One suggestion I am going to try is re-examining my relationship with sleep. I suspect I make it worse by worrying about waking and the terror that comes with it, and this contributes to my feeling stressed and exhausted during the day. As always with this site, it's comforting to know I am not the only one! It's easy to doubt your own sanity at 4 a.m. :)

 

[user27357]

Since I posted this I have had periods of time where I sleep normally and wake several times a night to "normal" feelings, no terror or night dread, then I have a period where it is as if it never stopped and has progressed to a deeper level.

The other night I woke to the knowledge that I had just comitted suicide and was experiencing the afterlife and it was total remorse and self loathing like I cannot describe other than paying for all of the sins comitted in my life ( I am not a religious person).

After that night, all of the awakenings started there and got into the subtleties of suicidal terauma and regret. What a horrible way to start the day, at 1,2,or 3 AM! I was suffering periods of sleep deprivation that may have bordered on hallucinations and all of that. I was really getting a bit crazy from it ,but was quite lucid when awake and in my right, conscious mind. Working effectively, not making mistakes, even making advances in anger management.

doing better again now for awhile, almost afraid to even mention it here or to a T. for fear of bringing it back

just call me a midnight basket case

 

[SamCas]

How frustrating! My day has been so disrupted by this.

Because I have experienced this before I forced myself to get out of bed at 12.30am and make a cup of tea to try and break my mind out of it, but by the time I had calmed down it was 2.30am so the next day was filled with inaccurate thoughts about the world around me just because I was exhausted.

Yikes! I hope I don't trigger anyone by posting here but if that article is correct then it is good to process and talk about these things in order to put them to ease in your mind - here's hoping.