At What Age Did Dissociation Start?

[xena21]

At times it is automatic and the switch for it can be turned on pretty easily with the PTSD as bad as it is. But I know that it is no longer serving me in the way that it did when I was younger

That sounds like my therapy session today. I kept going out and disconnecting. My therapist was trying to explain why that was happening so I could at least figure out the reason behind it. I understand the reason now...it was every time she asked me questions directly about my past. I guess I just left the room. She said what you explained...that it served me very well earlier in my life, but it wasn't serving me anymore, at least in a good way.

I get all that. It's just that disconnecting is so automatic for me now that I don't seem to have control over it. My eyes glaze over and my brain focuses on something else far away from where I am at that time. I know I should be stronger than that but it's fighting a battle with my own head.

 

[Ronin]

I remember that sort of disconnect fairly early on. I learned only later I just sometimes linger in the land of sights for too long, that I'm picturing different outcomes, that it's creativity that's useful for something. I didn't know much about that as a child. I just knew of times I'm beaten for 'not being quite there', for having scarce sense of passing time, for just sitting in the sun and drawing in the dust too long.

Then I just deliberately compartmentalized parts of my life that I didn't want to think about, that I needed to stop feelings for, and all of the sensations I couldn't have lingered on bc it would have cost me too much. Came back to bite years later. Makes life sort of hellish past a few years I've had relative peace. But I'm hopeful. Being able to talk even this much is moving somewhere, so I'll try to keep rolling.

 

[xena21]

I remember that sort of disconnect fairly early on. I learned only later I just sometimes linger in the land of sights for too long, that I'm picturing different outcomes, that it's creativity that's useful for something.

You are so right on when it comes to me too. I can relate so well. I feel like I had this disconnect early in my life that continued through my early adulthood. I knew it was different form other people but it was only a feeling. I felt outside of myself, like I was viewing things from different perspectives. I knew saying this stuff to people would be a definite shut down in every area of my life.

It's weird because now my therapists want to discuss my dissociation, but I don't think they will understand. I hope people know that dissociation is helpful in some circumstances. It prevents unneeded suffering. I just know that it depends on the circumstance whether it is helpful or not.

 

[Valer]

This is a really thought provoking thread. Dissociation as a coping skill became a problem around 15 years old but, i think it must have started when i was younger. Can it be worsened by other instances of abuse?

 

[Disquieted]

I never knew what it was...I called it pretending and thought all kids did it. I was probably about 10 years old. I pretended that characters from tv shows were my parents. I talked to them and felt loved. They were more "real" than my biological parents. I knew it wasn't real but it felt safe and good.

 

[Ronin]

To @Valer , definitely.

You have more on your plate and more recent incidents to process 'fter all. Makes sense for fresh injuries to drag back the old, and then run from it altogether for time's sake.

 

[afuneralinmybrain]

Well, I have bad, bad derealization/depersonalization. It started when I was 8.

 

[Ice_Fire]

Similar story here, the abuse began when I was very young (pre-7) so I must have learnt how to do it, probably before I started school even. I used to drift off, as if my mind and body weren't connected. I also had a lot of 'imaginary friends', but sometimes I'd get annoyed at my gran (not an abuser, she's amazing) for saying I should get some real friends instead and that my friends weren't real. I'd get annoyed and cry but I didn't really know why what she was saying upset me so much. Sometimes I'd get accused of not listening in school and would startle when asked a question but I always managed to answer it which seemed to irritate my teachers. I guess they must've seen I was daydreaming as it appeared to them but actually looking back, it was dissociation. It could well have been an alter that was listening and aware of the class enough to answer.

Turns out I have DID...

 

[circe47]

I don't know when I began to dissociate as my earlier years are a blur. I don't remember much other than all of the painful traumas. My dissociation now is much different and more pronounced. Probably because I am aware of what it is now as opposed to not knowing when I was young.

A big tell for me is when others start reminicsing and wanting me to remember as well. I have no clue what they're talking about. One thing that stands out in my mind is when I was probably about 11 years old or so. My neighbor's mom said she saw me go into their apartment and lock their cat in the laundry room. I had no recollection of doing so at the time and just thought the lady was crazy. I recognize now that she would have no reason to lie, and that I probably did it, I just wasn't myself doing it. There are a lot of episodes like that for me.

 

[Seagreen]

I still disassociate a fair bit when there is a trigger. The first time I remember it happening was around age 20. I didnt have any traumas before the age of 7 as far as I know.

 

[Friday]

I remember that sort of disconnect fairly early on. I learned only later I just sometimes linger in the land of sights for too long, that I'm picturing different outcomes, that it's creativity that's useful for something.

Then I just deliberately compartmentalized parts of my life that I didn't want to think about, that I needed to stop feelings for, and all of the sensations I couldn't have lingered on bc it would have cost me too much. Came back to bite years later. Makes life sort of hellish past a few years I've had relative peace. But I'm hopeful. Being able to talk even this much is moving somewhere, so I'll try to keep rolling.

This is exactly me, right here. Right down to the compartmentalization / shifting gears... And what happens when those compartments start leaking.

 

[Ronin]

For all the leaking times, there's booze. ;D

Well, not that I'm proud of that one. I mean, I'm proud for finding something that helps. Shortly but does.