human007
Policy Enforcement
Most of the time i get attached so fast with someone after just few days of talking. The feeling is so strong but comes with a big abandonment fear as well. Even when i'm actively avoid falling for a relationship. And usually people that i get attached too fast are always people that are too good to be true for me. I mean, it's like almost impossible for them to want me the way i want them. It's like these people are smart, caring, kind, popular, extroverts, have a lot of friends, etc., and i'm nothing like that.
And i know that this attachment feeling aren't real love. This is not love. I don't think love feels this way. Well i don't even know how "real" love feels like but i don't think i can love someone only by talking to them for few days. I feel like i just need this person. I need their attention, their kindness, their presence, because it makes me happy...? i think so.
And even when they are not showing any hint that they are interested with me that way, my brain can't help to make vivid scenarios of my future with them. I don't even know them so well but my brain just make those scenarios in my head. But they are just so kind, so nice, so gentle, very caring and even if they do bare minimum as a human to me, my brain can't help to get attached with them even only with their slightest gesture.
Like it's not so hard for people to make me attached with them. Just being a kind person that understand my fragile heart and that's it .-.
The minute someone opening their arms to hug me and pat my head, that's when my intense idealization of them grow. I will think about them all day long. Waiting for their message anxiously. Wondering why they haven't replied?. And it just so ridiculous. Because i know just because they are being nice, doesn't mean they want to be with me. They have their own life.
And usually, these kind people that i idolize don't even stay long in my life. They'd stay in my life, 1-2 month until they leave. Other case they only stay for few weeks and i realized that their kindness to me is only pure as a stranger wanting to help another stranger and that they would never date me or even become a bestfriend because maybe i'm too much to handle, or they just simply not interested to know me more, or the age gap, the distance, i don't know.
And then another person would just leave me out of nowhere after 1-2 months, like ghosting? For whatever reason is even though i thought the feeling was mutual and even though they were kind and understanding to me.
And then another person would be kind and caring to me for a short period of time and all of sudden deciding not wanting to talk to me anymore, not finding me interesting anymore, not worrying about me anymore. And i will never understand the reason why.
And then i will be super sad and cry for few weeks until the feeling gone and i'm okay again. But then i met someone else showing a kindness to me again and then the pattern will repeat again.
Sometimes i wonder if some people only talk to me only because they pity me. Like, only because they know i have physical and mental illnesses and that i have been through some bad things. And then when they think they have done enough helping me or when i become unbearable, they'd leave me out of nowhere?
I don't even think i do anything that make myself become unbearable. All i do is just texting them and being nice...
I am now just started talking to a new person who is fun to talk to, kind, and caring. But then big possibility we willn't be able to talk for a long time since this person is planning to delete the app where we talk. And the person probably not interested to be closer with me and maybe they already have a partner and maybe they dont care about me and they have their own priority and then i will be sad again once they leave...
I know i shouldn't feel this way and maybe i'm annoying for them
This feeling is so frustating and i can't seem to find the answer how to handle it.
And i know that this attachment feeling aren't real love. This is not love. I don't think love feels this way. Well i don't even know how "real" love feels like but i don't think i can love someone only by talking to them for few days. I feel like i just need this person. I need their attention, their kindness, their presence, because it makes me happy...? i think so.
And even when they are not showing any hint that they are interested with me that way, my brain can't help to make vivid scenarios of my future with them. I don't even know them so well but my brain just make those scenarios in my head. But they are just so kind, so nice, so gentle, very caring and even if they do bare minimum as a human to me, my brain can't help to get attached with them even only with their slightest gesture.
Like it's not so hard for people to make me attached with them. Just being a kind person that understand my fragile heart and that's it .-.
The minute someone opening their arms to hug me and pat my head, that's when my intense idealization of them grow. I will think about them all day long. Waiting for their message anxiously. Wondering why they haven't replied?. And it just so ridiculous. Because i know just because they are being nice, doesn't mean they want to be with me. They have their own life.
And usually, these kind people that i idolize don't even stay long in my life. They'd stay in my life, 1-2 month until they leave. Other case they only stay for few weeks and i realized that their kindness to me is only pure as a stranger wanting to help another stranger and that they would never date me or even become a bestfriend because maybe i'm too much to handle, or they just simply not interested to know me more, or the age gap, the distance, i don't know.
And then another person would just leave me out of nowhere after 1-2 months, like ghosting? For whatever reason is even though i thought the feeling was mutual and even though they were kind and understanding to me.
And then another person would be kind and caring to me for a short period of time and all of sudden deciding not wanting to talk to me anymore, not finding me interesting anymore, not worrying about me anymore. And i will never understand the reason why.
And then i will be super sad and cry for few weeks until the feeling gone and i'm okay again. But then i met someone else showing a kindness to me again and then the pattern will repeat again.
Sometimes i wonder if some people only talk to me only because they pity me. Like, only because they know i have physical and mental illnesses and that i have been through some bad things. And then when they think they have done enough helping me or when i become unbearable, they'd leave me out of nowhere?
I don't even think i do anything that make myself become unbearable. All i do is just texting them and being nice...
I am now just started talking to a new person who is fun to talk to, kind, and caring. But then big possibility we willn't be able to talk for a long time since this person is planning to delete the app where we talk. And the person probably not interested to be closer with me and maybe they already have a partner and maybe they dont care about me and they have their own priority and then i will be sad again once they leave...
I know i shouldn't feel this way and maybe i'm annoying for them
This feeling is so frustating and i can't seem to find the answer how to handle it.