Attachment Difficulties From Early Years Trauma Or Developmental Trauma

[ladee]

Did my post have anything to do with the topic..??? If it's about trust, I trust today... because I trust myself... IF I read something,(not the written word) in someones body language, their eyes, how they listen... I know who I can trust today...
If this wasn't the topic either.. well, I am going to bed now... I'll read y'alls post about where I SHOULD have posted, tomorrow... it's been a f&cked up day....:hilarious::hilarious::hilarious::hilarious::hilarious::hilarious::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh:

 

[Nevermore]

Yes @ladee - it's all about trust!! Knowing who and when to trust. I was never good at either but these days I don't seem to ever be able to trust anyone!
I really hate it )-:

 

[ladee]

I'm sorry @jojo88, I just know for me, the more trauma I healed, or accepted, or what ever we do with it, I got a little more confident each time... the better I knew myself, the better I knew others... not always spot on, but enough to build my confidence in who I could trust...
It does get better as you get better. The first T I went to said, ' You don't trust any one do you?". Well Duh !!!
Sending you gentle hugs for your healing journey.

 

[Kaluki1]

Hi all. I'm away from home for my NFB first session and forgot to bring laptop charger so laboriously typing on my phone. Will respond more when home and laptop is back on. Wonderful to see so many responses. I have books to suggest that I found helpful.and thoughts too. I am further along on healing the attachment than I was six years ago. My T has helped. I do the yoga, Qi Gong, meditation, mindfulness, gentle exercise ( I've CFS/ME) self compassion and enjoying the moment and relishing the good things. Also hypnotherapy and NLP and acupuncture and EMDR and even some brain spotting. My little me feels loved by Me on the good days. On the bad days I'm very little and hopeless and distraught. But at least now I truly know it both passes AND isn't as bad as it used to be and doesn't last as long. I don't know how I shall weather the anguish of losing my T but I'm putting lots of support in place now so that I have other options when it comes to it.
I forgot to say I've been seriously bullied on two other forum sites (not here) for talking about attachment trauma. Mainly by people who say 'suck it up!' Or 'get over it' And don't understand how complex it is and that it requires careful sensitive long term therapy and how hard it is to 'demolish' the strong but maladaptive coping mechanisms in order to access the fragile terrified traumatised child and love her back to 'real'. No one would do this for fun as it is the stuff of my worst nightmares but I was at the cliff edge so had no choice...

 

[Ronin]

I don't have attachment issues.

I just love humanity & hate most humans. ;)

(Cough, yeah, that was for, thanks for the thread.)

 

[ladee]

Well there ya have it.... @Cashew... you are always so to the point.... my sentiments exactly...

 

[Deleted member 33880]

I wrote the 'Kaluki1' post above, as me Kaluki the survivor - as for some reason my phone wouldn't let me get into the site as me. Sorry about that. I am now home with laptop working again.

 

[ladee]

You won't be 'bullied' here !!!! Thanks for sharing this. sending gentle hugs to you today.

 

[mrsmegan]

I am so thankful for this thread - @Snowflake I relate so much to what you said. This seemingly constant tension of pushing away, yet desperation to hold on for dear life.

Just this morning I told my T how much I hate our relationship - because it is so important to me and that terrifies me. I hate the vulnerability of it and the fear it brings out in me. It is good and healing, but hard at the same time.

 

[Deleted member 33880]

Mrs Megan, glad you like that we have this thread going.
I was trying to work out HOW my relationship with my T has changed since five years ago or so.
I used to
1. think about him all the time. Like 95% of my mind space was taken up with him (like a baby is towards their mom or dad)
2. Whereever I went, I missed him so much I would spend ages looking for a trinket or present to take back to him. I was pining for him - like a kid away from their beloved daddy
3.I wanted to tell him every single thing that happened IMMEDIATELY. I hated that I had to wait a week.
4. I couldn't wait a week between sessions. AT all. (ooops that is still a bit the same)
5. I felt little towards him as the BIG daddy figure. All the time.
6. I just wanted to be with him ALL THE TIME
7. no body else was important to me like him
8. I put up with time away from him like a small kid in a melt down - ie I didn't manage to put up with it at all really.
9. I would want to follow him home ( I never did, you will be relieved to hear.)
10. I adored him like a small kid would adore her daddy that is beloved to her.
11. I NEEDED him.

Now, five years or so in the future from all that - how are things?

It took a few years to have me feel secure with him. About six months ago I started noticing that I was coming to therapy without too much urgency. I started to trawl over some old issues to get his attention back. (shame LOL)
I started talking about ending in a couple of years.
He then landed on me the bombshell that he is retiring early next year. That was a bombshell. I have spent about six months fighting him, hating him, crying, sobbing, loathing him, raging, going under, everything. Like a small child would if her daddy told her he was going to leave her all on her own for evermore.

but interestingly I was so terrified of the thought of the last session with him happening next year, and me being bereft and having no support - that I have rushed into acupuncture, hypnotherapy, NLP, EMDR, spinal manipulation, NFB, life coaching, e- therapy. i have a team of about 6 people that I can lean on in one way or another. 'So there! Mr therapist smarty pants!" i feel I might be able to ditch him first.

I don't think about him constantly when I am away. I don't spend ages trying to find him the perfect present. I don't pine so much. I feel a bit bored by therapy even. I even think he is becoming BLAH to me. A bit.

I am not sure this is good news or bad news. My little child self originally had to make all the adults in her life 'BLAH' in order to survive. She had to make them people she didn't care about since they weren't there for her. So I could be just reverting to old habits.

I would LIKE to end well with this T. He SAYS I could phone and email him in the future if I need to but we won't be having formal therapy. I don't know what that means. It might mean i get to have lunch with him one day. It might mean some years in the future I come by his place and have a cuppa. I just don't know. Scary.

Anyway, my fuzzy point here is that I am hoping all this shows I have moved on and have attached and still love him even though I will lose him = rather than I am doing my usual cut off thing, where I convince Myself that I don't care about him really and he isn't important to me.

 

[UnKnown-Self]

She had to make them people she didn't care about since they weren't there for her.

This really hit home. It is still sinking in. I / a younger part/ maybe many parts do this. It is easier to find reasons to pull away and say Blah! Who needs you anyway, not me, I don't need anybody. I Got This! So There!
Sometimes it's empowering and motivating like moving all the stuff I had in storage myself.
But it is also easier to put my chin and nose in the air and turn away than to feel the hurt. It is an effort to strip them of their power to hurt me. Can't hurt me if I could care less anyway.
Secreted away is the smallest wish that they come and say something, do something to show they actually do care and I am wrong. Fairy tales .

 

[Deleted member 33880]

Yes, all through my life I have pretended that I didn't care if they didn't care about me. I have even walked away. Inside I want them to care. I do. I do. But it hurts to acknowledge this, especially if I actually feel this want, because then they have the power to hurt me. If you are three years old this becomes all or nothing and very life threatening. When people do things that show how they don't care about me, I often don't like them anymore and move away but in fact I might have misinterpreted the situation due to being overly sensitive in this area. sound familiar?