My youngest son, who is 30, has said the following over the last eight years: I'm selfish, I don’t love him, I don't love his sister (same father); I really f*ucked her up; I'm supposed to love my children unconditionally and support them unselfishly. I f*cked up his dad's life, his life and his sister's life. I'm a horrible person. What is wrong with me? I'm unfeminine, fat and ugly; nobody wants me; he doesn't want to be around me. Why wouldn't I ever let him be with his dad? He doesn't want anything to do with my family - they and I have never been there for him. We are crazy liars and story tellers. I'm unworthy of love. He hates me. I'm an embarrassing b*tch; a f*cking b*tch; an ugly b*tch; He has threated to hit me (justifying) because I deserve it. He can't stand to be near me.
These are all things my ex#2 (son's father) has said, and he's said worse. But the scum of the earth is something
I feel when someone makes an abusive/derogatory statement towards me. As Abstract pointed towards, that's definitely a leftover from the relationship with the ex. I didn't get PTSD from childhood abuse; I don't recall ever having the feeling like I was less, like I was scum, compared to others until the relationship with the ex.
I know a few of you already know a bit of my story; here's the backstory about me, son and ex: My youngest son's father is the source of my trauma (emotional/mental and a few physical incidents - twice choking me unconscious). We were not married. He held a political position in our community and was an elder in the religious organization that we were a part of. I had to do legal things to sever the relationship and save myself. He tried emotional blackmail, saying he'd fight me tooth and nail in court for custody of "
his" children if my family didn't give him a lot of money. I had a good attorney: we kept cool and requested court psych evals and custody recommendation. The evals diagnosed me with PTSD and ex with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). The judge relayed to ex's attorney that he would decree sole custody to me if the ex didn't agree to child support, (he didn't want to pay, once telling me, "Why should I pay? You had them") and settle without additional money from me (he had already stole $19k from me). Ex was furious.
A family member of mine called ex at work early the next morning and offered ex 1/2 of $ that ex wanted if he'd leave me alone and leave our home, which I owned. Ex said he'd agree provided we had joint custody and if he was allowed generous "visitation" according to a schedule he outlined. I agreed to what he wanted. Papers were delivered to ex and me, were signed, judge signed them that afternoon and a cashier's check was delivered to ex. Ex moved out, taking only his personal affects, the next day. Pissed and defecated on my stuff and stuff he didn't care to take with him. He moved less than five miles away.
Ex saw our children according to the "visitation" schedule he wanted for about 6 months. Then he got a girlfriend (GF) and, afterwards, he only saw the children on holidays (even on "my" holidays because I felt our children needed to see their father), and on mother's day, or when he wanted them to help him with a project. After he got the new GF ex repeatedly told our children that he couldn't be with them because I wouldn't permit it. The truth is ex NPD and a purse chaser. I was warned; I didn't listen. He's "good" - now a millionaire working on "marriage" #5 -
When our son was 17 he desperately wanted to live with his father. I told him it was fine, all his father needed to do is fill out the paperwork. Ex refused to do it, telling our son he didn't want to waste his time because he knew I wouldn't allow it. I arranged for a court appointed family counseling meeting between me, ex and our son to address the matter. We were all to be together so that our son's voice could be heard by both of us and each of us would hear the other parties' position and, preferably, my son would receive what was in his best interests (which I believed was for him to live with his father because son was mad not having father in his life). My ex refused to be in the same room together. The counselor advised the court that nothing about custody should be changed, i.e. there was no resolution because of his refusal to be involved. My ex told our son that the counselor told him that I had told the counselor that I would never permit our son to live with him. Soon after, my son sort of went berserk. He trashed our home (while I was at work) and when I got home he was yelling, saying demeaning things inches from my face, got me into a corner and threatened physical harm. I was able to slip away and into my room. I called the police. Son ran away.
I could not allow our son back in my home after his verbal abuse and threats of harm. I did not want to endorse that his behavior was an okay way to treat women. I left a message on ex's phone about what happened, that it was his turn (if he wanted it) to parent. I packed son's things and put them on the porch. They were gone by the end of the weekend - he went to his fathers. Four days later, the GF kicked him out for smoking a cig on their deck. Son called me, asked to come home (no apology). I told him "no" and suggested the names of a couple of families he could stay with. Then I called the friends, told them of the situation, and offered to pay them to help pay for his expenses (which I did, while he lived with them). During this period, my son was smart enough to keep up his first year college classes, which I also paid for. Fast forward: he flopped/floundered but finished college and got a good job in San Francisco. We talked/saw each other for dinners out during this time, but I made it clear (in the kindest way that I could) that he wasn't welcome in my home until we talked about what had happened. A few years later, his (gay) boss approached him - it freaked him out. He called, apologized and asked to come home. I allowed it and he lived with me again for nearly two years, during which time we became (or rather he allowed me, to be closer to him).
During his stay with me he went through a period of questioning his childhood - what really happened? why wouldn't I allow him to live with his dad, etc. Not wanting to get into a he said/she said thing, I stated a few facts, encouraged him to ask me and his father anything he wondered about and to use his own good sense and logic to find his own truth. He did that and learned some things about his father (at one point the ex tried gas lighting son by implying I had had an affair and that dad wasn't sure son was his!)
To sum things up, what I described in my original post is not always consistent. If it were, I would not endure any interaction with my son. After he learned some things about his father and how I've supported and loved him all my life, and the toll his father's behavior has had on him, on me and on my/my son's involvement with my side of family, he was able to connect with family on my side, saw me and my family quite differently. We've become close and have even traveled together, enjoying ourselves very much.
My son's hugs are warm and wonderful. He's been there for me during a couple of minor surgeries. Yet, he's still angry sometimes. He blames his difficulties/challenges on his childhood. He'll still act sometimes disrespectfully towards me. And when he does, it devastates me. It reminds me of the past, how his father was towards me; it makes me feel fearful - scared of my son, hyper sensitive about possible abuse from anyone. I lose any inner sense of security and serenity and I'm prone to become confused about other things people say or do as if they're a threat, when they're not.
I'm just wondering what you can do in response to this behavior in your son, in terms of communicating your point of view and setting boundaries. Both how you interpret his behavior internally, and what you can do in a practical sense.
I really don't know what else to do . . . Despite being abused, shunned and put down by their father, I know in my heart that I've been a good mother - I am good mom. I am the parent, I'm supposed to be mature and compassionate and not react. I swallow the crap because I know, either because of DNA or picking up fleas* (his father's attitudes/behaviors) that there's another side to him. And I know (or think) that telling my son all, or most, about the things his father has done would hurt him. I have a strong opinion against telling one's children about the bad parts of their other parent . . .
Sorry this is so long :(
